How to Deal with Your Partner Making More (Or Less) Than You

This article originally appeared on VICE Italy.

Balance is key to every relationship – and like it or not, money often plays a fairly important part in maintaining that balance. It’s normal for couples to have issues when there’s a clear income disparity between each partner, and since most people find budget chat deeply uncomfortable, resentments can quietly build up.

“In general, people are more willing to talk about physical intimacy than be open about their finances,” said Matteo Radavelli, a couples therapist from Italy. This isn’t helped by the fact that, in the early stages of a relationship, we tend to hide our weaknesses and exaggerate our strengths. Rather than a frank and honest chat about their salary on your first date, you’ll likely just get some clues about your partner’s financial situation at first – they might avoid going on expensive dates, or turn up wearing fancy clothes.

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The key, according to Radavelli, is (as always) showing some compassion. “The partner with less money should never feel like they need to explain themselves,” he said, while “the partner who earns more should not use theirs to make life harder for the other.”

If you’re the one with more money, you should always try to look for a solution that makes your significant other comfortable. Depending on your relationship, that could mean not bringing up potential expenses you know your partner can’t afford. It could also mean devising a set of financial rules within your relationship. For example, only going out for dinner on weekends, or dividing big expenses like vacations according to your proportional income, instead of 50/50. 

If that’s not what you want, you can still split big expenses equally with enough planning. Financial advisor Manuela Romeo pointed out that the partner with more money will likely have had more opportunities to save, and can pay expenses up front, while the lower-income partner can pitch in if they “save a little each month, make the goal a high priority and start well in advance”. That means knowing when a larger expense is going to come up, and making the lesser-earning partner aware of it as soon as possible.

Romeo said financial planning is crucial to successfully managing money in a couple. Lots of people just spend without thinking, then put aside whatever they have left at the end of the month. But having a set plan “allows you to consciously reach your goals and react to unexpected events with less stress”, she said. Romeo recommends transferring whatever you want to save for the month to a different account as soon as you get your salary. That way, if an important expense comes up, it won’t feel like it’s as much of a sacrifice, since you’ll have consciously saved up for it. 

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If you live with your significant other and are planning a future together, Radavelli suggests using three separate accounts: two for each individual and one joint account for monthly shared expenses. “That gives you a dedicated economic space as a couple,” he said. If you’re still early in your relationship, however, Romeo suggests sticking to individual bank accounts, and using budgeting apps for splitting shared expenses. Of course, budgeting apps “can offer support, but they don’t replace deciding what lifestyle you want to lead and identifying your priorities”, she said.

Lastly, don’t go overboard and make money the third member of your relationship. “It’s dysfunctional to track things down to the last cent,” Radavelli said. Obsessing about who makes more can quickly become unhealthy and affect a relationship. For example, he argued that women who make more in a heterosexual couple often end up feeling guilty, or avoid talking about their success because “the man will perceive it as his own personal weakness”. Radavelli said we still have some way to go in deconstructing these misplaced ideas.

But the biggest decisions in your relationship aren’t just about money. Couples work best when they see eye to eye on values, priorities and projects – and managing money is just one thing to consider within all that.