How to Have Hot, Kinky (and Quiet) Sex When You’re Home for the Holidays

Firstly, congratulations are in order. If you’re here, we assume you got it up/are attempting to get aroused at your parents’ house. That’s no small feat, Skyler, given that most of our visits home during the holidays easily turn into bubbling Jurassic cesspools of generational trauma, or (yet another) opportunity for that one that one uncle who smells like a wet carpet to give you the “Ronald Reagan deserves to be on money” lecture again. [Boner deflates.]

But your fight to bone while sleeping in your childhood bedroom is a valiant and horny one. Maybe you’re bringing your partner home for Thanksgiving, or just planning on swiping right on some people you went to high school with while you’re home for the holidays. Whatever the case, it’s crucial to know how to have quiet sex, or at least more discreet sex, when you’re in the same house as your relatives. This isn’t Game of Thrones; we don’t want them to be even remotely aware of any aspect of our intimate relations.

Do bring quiet sex toys. Maybe don’t play the Cum Face Duel Pump Action Penis Game (keep that NSFW game night classic in your own haus); start to invest in remote-controlled sex toys, travel-sized vibrators, and BDSM staples that can turn up the heat and restrain your partner from making too much noise.

Bust out your carry-on, and let’s drive you—and the big Os—home for the holidays.

The best discreet sex toys to take on vacation

TSA has seen weirder stuff than your G-spot dildo, mate. We can’t predict what your agents will/won’t pull out of your carry-on, but we can confidently say that we’ve never once had airport security take out our vibrator, and hold it up like a prized fish in front of everyone else. That being said, there are some sex toys we love to travel with for their size and discretion, such as Dame’s versatile Fin finger vibrator, which has a 4.5-star average rating on the site from over 500 reviews. As one fan writes, “[It has a] beautiful design & just the right amount of rumbliness/vibration. Appreciate that the finger hold is removable.” Use Fin for stimulation of the nipples, clitoris, shaft, and for all your E.T. roleplay needs.

Don’t underestimate the power of the small but mighty cock ring. Not only will an adjustable loop C-ring take up about as much space as a hair tie in your luggage, but it will make zero noise.

Lovehoney has also started slinging early Black Friday deals with up to 60% off sex toys, including this best-selling vibrating C-ring that has extra texture for even more heightened clitoral stimulation.

Bullet vibrators are another compact sex toy staple to have in your carry-on or in your nightstand drawer (your electric toothbrush will take up way more space). This rechargeable vibrator is 60% off, and selling fast thanks to a ​​slightly tapered tip that provides broader clitoral stimulation.

Do you have nosy in-laws/parents who will rifle through your stuff when you smell like pot after going for a smoke sesh walk with the cousins on Thanksgiving? (Same.) Try investing in sex toys that don’t look like sex toys, such as this necklace vibrator that will leave them none the wiser.

The best quiet sex toys

Does your childhood bedroom share a wall with the guest room where aunt Betty will be crashing? If so, you’re going to need some extra quiet sex toys and foreplay ideas to keep the ‘gasms flowing without waking up the whole house. The motor on LELO’s Gigi 2 wand vibrator—which has a curved, slightly bulbous tip for targeting your G-spot—was described by one Amazon reviewer as being no louder than “a teasing murmur.” Cop it while it’s 25% off at LELO for the brand’s Black Friday sale.

Hats off to this highly rated male masturbator, which is a true multitasker; not only does it have seven modes for thrusting, stroking, and “sucking” action, but it boasts an über quiet motor that produces a noise lower than 50 decibels and has earned many happy Amazon reviewers. In the words of one fan, “Usually you would need to pay $100+ for a toy of this quality.”

Go remote

You could be in the kitchen, wrapping up the dishes, while your partner claims to be sleeping off all that pumpkin pie they just pounded—but in reality, y’all are doing some remote-controlled hanky panky with Lovense’s app-controlled Lush 3 vibrator, which is a wearable vaginal vibrator designed to stimulate the G-spot and clitoris with deep and extra-quiet vibrations.

Have some restraint

This might not be the time to start playing with E-stim toys and cow prods, but there are plenty of other BDSM staples that are easy to travel with/won’t make your partner howl at the moon, such as a pair of bed restraints. Amazon is slinging a best-selling BDSM bundle with a tickler, blindfold, and faux fur-lined Velcro cuffs for about $26, while Lovehoney’s classic, satin black ties are an even more discreet accessory to have floating around your luggage or room.

Lean into the “no one can know” energy

Hush hush roleplay is top-tier Virgo/control freak behavior, and very hot when done right in the bedroom. So here’s an idea: Take this jolly red ball gag like a champ, and pretend to be the T-giving turkey while you get silently basted from behind.

Make clean-up easy

There’s a chance you may be sharing a bathroom when you’re home for the holidays, which means you might not be able to casually stroll over to the bathroom with your sex toys in hand; Meemaw is pretty progressive for 86, but that doesn’t mean she needs to see your stainless steel dildo in the dishwasher. Promescent’s hypoallergenic intimacy wipes will leave you and your toys feeling fresh and clean, and they come in handy individual packets for traveling.

Now go forth, and spank the bank in peace.

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