I Interviewed Myself About Why I Actually Like the New Miley Cyrus Album

To say that Miley Cyrus’ surprise album, Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz, was released to tepid reviews would be a bit generous. “Confused” would be the word to describe most critics’ reaction to it. It’s certainly not a critical darling, and with good reason. It’s more of a vanity project for Cyrus than it is a commercial release. Through 23 songs, she drifts and meanders from trippy chill-odes for her dead blowfish to Mike Will Made It-produced raunch-jams about getting her bergina banged real good. It’s like an undiagnosed case of severe ADHD in album form.

In the interest of fairness, I wanted to interview someone who would defend Dead Petz. Surely, there would be someone out there who would stand up for this scattershot hodgepodge of a release. I searched high and low for someone positive, eloquent, and physically handsome enough before finding the perfect candidate: myself. Who better to explain to myself the merits of this misunderstood Miley release than myself? So here is an interview I conducted with myself about Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz. It has been edited for clarity length, and content.

Dan: So, you think the new Miley Cyrus album is good?
Dan: I wouldn’t say “good.” I think it’s interesting.

What’s interesting about it?
The fact that it’s a fucking wreck and her label told her not to release it like this so she just released it independently the way she wanted to, fuck-ups and all.

What’s fucked up about it?
It’s too long, for starters. It’s something like 4,000 songs long. And it’s straight-up obnoxious in parts—there’s a song called “Milky Milky Milk” that makes me want to tear my own skin off and throw it in a fire.

Do you like the single, “Dooo It!”?
I think that song is dogshit. Probably the worst song on the entire album and I can’t believe she led with it.

OK, this is not the way I expected this interview to go. I thought you liked the album.
I do.

Well what do you like about it?
There are a few listenable stretches that make it worthwhile—the parts that sound like Miley Cyrus fronting The Flaming Lips. I even like that one song where she goes on a long spoken word rant about dumping someone for sending her the wrong emojis. We’ve all been there, am I right?

No, not really.
OK well just me then. But man, look, this album is not a masterpiece. If you’re looking for our generation’s Sgt. Pepper’s here, you won’t find it. And she knows this. This is an album made by a rich 22-year-old, fucking around for her own amusement. Maybe it will be a stepping stone for something else for her, but we’re not going to look back at her catalog years from now and have strong memories of this one.

Does it influence your opinion at all that the album only got a 3.0 on Pitchf—
No.

So you don’t care that it was critically panned?
Why, in an age where you can stream an album for free and judge it for yourself in the amount of time it would take to read reviews of it, would someone… it just [inaudible] boggles my fucking mind why anyone would let a review influence their opinion.

How do you think it compares to her last album, Bangerz?
It’s funny because people are pissed that there’s no “We Can’t Stop” on Dead Petz. There’s no “Wrecking Ball.” But when Bangerz came out, people were upset that she wasn’t “Party in the USA” Miley anymore. You can’t please people with your art so why bother trying?

Two years ago, you wrote a divisive article about her called “Miley Cyrus Is Punk as Fuck.”
[Laughs] Yeah, “divisive” is one way to put it. I got actual death threats.

Do you think the article holds up?
I do. People laughed off the idea at the time because it was when she was swinging naked from a wrecking ball with her tongue out and twerking on Alan Thicke’s son, whatever his name is.

Robin.
Yeah whatever. But at the time, there was general Miley hate. Well, fast forward to 2015 and while most of our A-list musicians spent the year shamelessly promoting their TIDAL launch, turning their profile photos teal and using #TIDALforAll like they were curing some fucking disease or funding tsunami relief, Miley started an organization for homeless LGBTQ youth and played with Joan Jett and Laura Jane Grace to raise money. So yeah, I think history’s on my side here. But you know, TIDAL for all!

I read recently that you said you don’t like the new Carly Rae Jepsen album.
Wow, you’ve really done your research on me. Yes, that’s true. I didn’t like that sound in the 80s and I fucking hate it now.

Do you think Jepsen’s album is worse than this one?
Actually, I think that’s an offensive question to ask.

Why?
Because what you’re doing right now—like a typical male music journalist—is pitting female pop stars against each other. Why can’t we just judge these artists independently of one another? Why do we have to turn them against each other and celebrate when female artists are feuding?

I didn’t mean to say—
[Interrupts] You didn’t mean to, but that’s how you’re framing it, which is very problematic. You probably loved Nicki Minaj and Miley’s spat at the VMAs.

Wow, now you’re assuming a lot and are projecting your own biases onto me.
Excuse me? You asked me to do this interview! If you can’t handle some hard truths about you promoting the patriarchal nature of the music industry, I can end it right now.

OK fine. Switching topics, I understand you’re a grown-ass man and own a Miley Cyrus shirt?
Yes, I do. I’ve got to say, I disagree with your questions and your general attitude but I respect the amount of research you’ve done on me.

Thank you. Where did you get the shirt?
You know those stores on the boardwalk that will print anything you want on a shirt? I saw that and was like, “YUP, here is my money, please take it.” And they said, “Oh very nice, is this a gift for your little sister?” And I was like, “WTF are you talking about? I need this in an adult Large.” They also had a tank top that said “Obama Can’t Ban These Guns” which pointed to my arms. I didn’t have enough money for that and funnel cake. It was like Sophie’s Choice but I stand by my decision.

Any final thoughts?
This interview was a complete waste of time and you should get a real job.

Dan Ozzi is an editor at Noisey. Follow him on Twitter – @danozzi
Dan Ozzi is a known Miley Cyrus advocate. Follow him on Twitter – @danozzi