I Tried to Get Horny with Weed Aphrodisiacs

Valentine’s Day is upon us once again, like some ancient anxiety demon surfacing from the Mariana Trench in need of its annual blood sacrifice. Fortunately, the stresses of finding gifts, securing dinner reservations, and smoke-screening side pieces might soon dissipate thanks to the multibillion dollar (and growing) legal cannabis industry.

Looking to make their THC and CBD-infused products as synonymous with romance as chocolates and flowers, everyone from mom-and-pop growers all the way up to Big Cannabis corps has begun to dip their toes into the aphrodisiac market. As someone who enjoys both sex and being high, I decided to try out a variety of these products to see if any could get me in the mood for Valentine’s romance and finally offer an alternative to the sketchy truck-stop libido pills I’ve become so dependent on.

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Foria Pleasure

As the copy explains it, “Foria pleasure brings the power of ancient plant medicine to your fingertips. Inspire healing and unlock pleasure with an all-natural sensual enhancement oil designed specifically for women.”

As I am not a woman, I was entirely dependent on my partner’s feedback for this product. The instructions told her to spray the cannabis oil-based product “directly onto the clitoris, inner and outer labia, and inside the vagina.” Then, as it takes about 15 minutes or so to hit, we were encouraged to engage in foreplay while it got to work. Once the effects were felt, she was free to pleasure herself alone or with a partner.

The whole notion of telling someone to rub something on their genitals and then attempting to take credit when—lo and behold—all that rubbing gets them aroused certainly gave me pause and made me harken back to Steve Martin’s “Penis Beauty Cream” sketch on SNL, but the Fioria pleasure seemed to deliver on its promise.

For the sake of all parties, including you, the reader, I’ll spare the gory details of what came after the absorption period. Suffice to say, the spray undoubtedly enhanced my partner’s pleasure and even gave me a bit of a contact high.

Foria Explore

Foria also offers a product optimized for anal play. The “Explore” suppository promised to give a non-psychotropic high to whomever inserted it into his or her anus and, although neither of us were prepared to receive any organs or organ-size toys in that orifice, we gave the suppositories the old college try to see if they could help bring about any topical horniness.

I opened the first suppository and a glob of gel oozed out. “How is that supposed to go up my butt?” I wondered aloud. Turns out, I hadn’t kept the Explore pack properly stored, and anywhere north of room temperature melts the little buggers. A few minutes in the freezer firmed up the remaining products, and my girl and I put these now chilly pen-cap-size slugs up our bums and waited for them to dissolve.

After the tingly effects kicked in, we poked, prodded, and licked around a little to find that, indeed, our nerves had been “modulated” by the THC and “more pleasant signals” were hitting our brains. That said, our messing around with numb buttholes was more akin to when you self-experiment on your post-dentist Novocained tongue than an erotic endeavor.

Suicide Girls Chill

With a site launched in 2001, around the time of my own pubescence, the alt pinup Suicide Girls can claim responsibility for quite a few of my erections over the years, so earning one more didn’t seem like it’d be too laborious a challenge for them. With scores of free-agent tattooed Instagram hotties encroaching on the digital territory SG has carved out for itself, the brand has now chosen to pivot and stake a claim in the weed game, licensing its name to a line of cannabis vape cartridges.

I was informed by the brand’s PR team that the relaxing and connection-encouraging “Chill” line of cartridges would be best for getting me revved up. After a few deep hits of the electronic pen, I was feeling relaxed but, maybe, a bit too relaxed. The Chill cartridge was so powerful that I found myself in that intensely stoned state where you involuntarily squint so fiercely that it feels like you’re a boxer with two swollen shut eyes. Though undeniably relaxed, my romantic partner and I spent the next few hours couch-locked, barely able to formulate sentences, let alone conceive of the idea of sex stuff.

Canndescent Connect 402

Sure, there are heaps of lab-concocted cartridges, oils, and balms out there, but why gild the lily? Sometimes you can’t beat just grinding up some green for a bowl.

Canndescent is a company that’s attempted to distance itself from the puerile strain name game by sorting its batches of flower into simple, self-explanatory categories like “Calm,” “Create,” or “Charge.” Its Love Potion No. 9, as it were, goes by the name “Connect,” which I smoked with my partner on a Saturday afternoon.

The Connect product description said the strain “imparts an effervescent feeling to both mind and body, stimulating intimate conversation and whatever comes next.” The feeling was effervescent, indeed, but as we’d just watched an action movie, the conversation was less intimate cooing and more a giddy dialogue about hyper-violence as a vehicle for comedy.

As for the “whatever comes next,” despite all the hand holding and locked eyes during the conversation, we were both too high and lazy to be bothered with the hassle of removing clothing and writhing around, so a vegged-out cuddle was about as torrid as things got.

Papa & Barkley Releaf Massage

Though I was loath to include the word “Papa” into my bedroom activities—despite having the same meaning, the word hits a lot weirder than “Daddy”—the Papa & Barkley massage oil presented an opportunity for me to sensually reward my partner for her participation in this project.

Marketed primarily as a pain relieving treatment, I was told that the relaxing aspects of it, coupled with the intimacy of a lover’s caress could turn the Releaf Massage Oil into a sensual product. After laying down a towel so as to not permanently blemish my sheets, I got to work on delivering a massage straight out of a harlequin romance novel. In typical guy fashion, I may have made a beeline for the inner thighs a bit too early, but the topical effects began to kick in after a few minutes, and she got a slight body high going.

Neither I nor my hands were high, but, as we were both naked and slippery, we decided to have sex anyway. Afterward, my partner noted that post-massage fuck had just felt like normal sex with me, which I chose to interpret as “transcendent and Earth-shattering.”

Going into this project, I already knew that sex while high can often be a more intense, pleasurable experience than going in clear-headed, so no new info was really gleaned on that front. But the ever-widening range of sensations derived from this one plant is truly remarkable, and my hat goes off to all the weed Willy Wonkas out there tinkering away, refining their products down to laser-targeted experiences.

Still, they’ve a ways to go before the idea of a weed aphrodisiac will feel like anything more than a novelty impulse purchase to me. To each his own, but I’m more of a “heat of the moment” guy and buying something with the explicit intention of using it for a planned sexual encounter takes some of the magic out of it for me. These products were all fun to try and will certainly be nice to have on hand. For now, though, I’ll stick to simply getting stoned with my partner and fucking if we feel like it.

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