If everything’s going well in the hustling and bustling system of blood and organs going on inside you right now, on any given day, you’re bound to drool, shit, piss, cry, cum, produce ear wax, get crusy stuff in your eye, and find jagged boogers in your nose. But what if one day you were given the opportunity to remove one of those dribbly, gross, smelly secretions from your day-to-day life. Which one would you eliminate? We sent our intern, Sam, out onto the streets of Toronto to ask people which bodily function they would get rid of.
Rose: I would eliminate hiccups.
Why hiccups?
They are really annoying.
You wouldn’t eliminate something gross like pooping?
Using the washroom doesn’t annoy me, gross things don’t annoy me nearly as much as hiccups.
Graham, 21, plays basketball: Thats really tough because there’s just so many of them. I wouldn’t eliminate something like pooping, I like to show off big poops to friends. I’ve had people take pictures of my shits.
That’s really disgusting, but I’m also somewhat impressed. Pooping aside, what are you going to put on the chopping block?
Vomiting. It really grosses me out.
Vomit grosses you out, but you enjoy poop?
Man, you can poop and pee on things. Girls are always jealous when guys can pee on things.
You can vomit on things too, dude.
Beau, musician: Growing hair.
You want to be completely hairless, why?
OK forget that, I actually really like my hair, and having hair. If I had to stop my body from doing something, it would be growing fingernails.
So you would have fingers with no nails?
I would have fingernails, but they never grow or change, always short. It would help alot with playing guitar.
Martina: Phlegm. Coughing up loogies in the morning is totally gross.
Is that from smoking a lot?
Yeah, you know, weed, alcohol. Anytime I’m sick, I just get grossed out by phlegm. If you didn’t have phlegm, or other bodily functions, you would be like some kind of Star Trek character.
Yeah, robots don’t have to worry about phlegm.
No, or farting. Maybe I’m single because I fart a lot. I would also eliminate farting. They are smelly. You try farting in a wooden loft.
Is that because the wood absorbs the fart and then it always smells?
No, they just kinda squeak out and echo a bunch.
Bill, drinks beer: Sweating.
Why?
Its gross, smelly, and happens way too often. Never having B.O. would be great.
The world would certainly smell cleaner.
Would you eliminate poop and diapers?
Lindsay, mother with baby in stroller: No, but snot is pretty gross. Having a runny nose can be terrible. I also say that now, because I have a cold.
Is snot worse than poop?
Most of the “gross” functions are quite enjoyable and relieving. These functions serve purposes.
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Gary, musician: Sneezing.
What would happen to all the snot, would you be all clogged up?
I’m not sure.
What is it about sneezing?
It’s the anticipation of the sneeze I can’t stand. That feeling right before.
Do you know any tricks to holding in a sneeze?
Sometimes if you rub the bridge of your nose with your finger, the sneezing sensation goes away.
Scott, filmmaker: Crying.
Thats so sad, why?
Because its sad. I would want to internalize all my emotions. This is also speaking generally. Ideally, everyone would stop crying.
There would be such a backlog of emotion, how would you release it?
Ejaculation. More of it. Male and Female.
So instead of being sad everyone would just be squirting everywhere?
Ya, I think everyone would be more happy.
We could all have massive orgies instead of funerals.
