The Worst Things We’ve Witnessed at After-Parties

Parties, famously, are fun – but often not as fun as the after-party. It’s in those strange, semi-lucid hours that the weirdest stuff happens: someone does an eye shot of cinnamon After Shock and temporarily blinds themselves; someone decides that 5AM is the right time to have sex in front of their seven closest friends; someone intentionally tattoos themselves while in a K-hole, for a laugh.

Also for a laugh, we solicited after-party stories from our friends and published them all below.

– “Lindsay Lohan and her lover got into a big fight in this flat we were in, and were screaming at each other in front of everyone. Lohan ran into the room and just sort of flounced onto the sofa next to me. I asked if she was OK and she said she needed to make a phone call, to Jack. Jack Nicholson. I always thought it was funny that she called the world’s most famous psychopath to calm her down.”

– “This is fairly tame, but personally was the one thing that’s annoyed me most at any after-party I’ve ever been to. About ten of us went back to a friend’s after a night out, and we’d bought five grams of coke between us, which we dumped out onto a CD case. As my friend was leaning down to do the first line, my other friend made him laugh and blew all five grams – £250 – onto the shag carpet under the table. We spent ten minutes trying to snort coke out of the carpet, then gave up.”

– “I used to live in a flat that overlooked a sort of garden square thing. I had a load of people back to mine after the pub, and a guy I worked with met a girl at mine, they started making out, went outside to get some ‘space’, obviously thought they’d found somewhere private in that garden square, and started fucking doggy-style in front of the entire party.”

– “Someone pissed on my sofa.”

– “Someone shit on my floor, directly next to the toilet.”

– “Someone more senior than me from work passed out in my flatmate’s bed, then pissed the bed. A real dark orange, dehydrated piss.”

– “Three couples fucked in my bed over the course of a day-and-a-half-long after-party.”

– “I’d written a bad review of a band, whose manager I ran into on a night out. He started on me and we got into a fight, which ended in him breaking my finger – grabbing it and just popping it out of place at the top joint. I then went to a party around the corner and spent most of the evening with my hand in the freezer, talking to anyone who walked by. This girl I’d never met took my ring off – which was fucking painful, but thank god she did, because I’d have never got it off otherwise – and sent me to A&E. When I arrived, three members of Vampire Weekend were there. I sort of knew them from interviewing them before, so asked them what was going on. Turned out their drummer had walked out of the same party and been hit by a car, which sent him into the path of another car. I popped my head in to see him and he went, ‘Hey, I heard we made the front page of your website!’ before screaming loudly, and for a long time, in pain.”

– “All amateur rapping is bad, but I witnessed some profoundly bad amateur rapping. We’d been at the pub and I had a few friends back to mine to do some lines. A friend of a friend brought his girlfriend, who was fucked and insisted on rapping literally everything she said. Dictionary definition literally. Absolute nightmare. It got to the point where the boyfriend – either embarrassed or just exhausted – tried to get them to leave, but she wasn’t having it (she rapped about how she wasn’t going to leave), so he walked out by himself. Five minutes later we got a call saying he’d somehow locked himself in the block of flats’ bin room, whose door is right next to two other flats. I had to go downstairs and try to break him out with a knife, while his girlfriend continued to loudly rap, at 4AM, outside my neighbours’ front doors.”

– “Three guys and a girl K-holing, and the guys trying to maintain a conversation about how they’re all male feminists. That was fucking painful to watch.”

– “A guy desperately trying to get an orgy going. He kept asking people if they were down to fuck, and got rebuffed by absolutely everyone.”

– “I went to a party at some fancy boarding school – the guy whose party it was is the son of a house-master there, so he lived on the school’s land during uni holidays. It got stupid rowdy, like people just wrecking the place for no reason, and the police were called so everyone ran away. We were trying to regroup and got a text about an ‘after-party’ nearby. Someone dropped a pin, so we walked the 15 minutes over and found out this ‘after-party’ was actually a garden shed – which was like two metres by two metres – that had four fully dressed people stood with their backs against the wall, and two fully naked people fucking in the dirt. Very bizarre.”

– “My friend went for a piss on his roof, and that piss dribbled down onto the balcony we were standing on, directly onto the head of the girl standing next to me.”