All the Worst Things You Can Do During Sex

As if you needed another source of bedroom-neurosis, a new survey has revealed the biggest turn-offs during heterosexual sex for both men and women.

A website called Forktip – which appears to sell diamonds, and I guess did this survey to persuade people to look at their diamond website? Because not sure why else they’d be doing a big sex survey? – spoke to 5,000 people about a range of relationship and sex-related stuff.

They discovered, for instance, that almost 20 percent of people would participate in an orgy with their current partner if the “other couples were hot”, while 24.1 percent said it would take “a few drinks” to loosen them up enough (the remaining 56 percent said they would absolutely not get involved under any circumstances). They also found that 30 percent of women and 40 percent of men have cheated on their current partner, and that the top reasons for cheating are: “lack of enjoyment and fun”, “not having enough sex”, “partner cheated first” and “partner not leaving sexually satisfied”.

Re: that last point, here are those turn-offs:

THINGS WOMEN DON’T LIKE ABOUT MALE PARTNERS (WHILE HAVING SEX WITH THEM)

– Weird noises
– Penis too small
– Ejaculates too quick
– Changes position too frequently

Obviously all of these are subjective, and at least one is very difficult to change without a major operation, but good news! The first and last one can be addressed by just not doing either of those things!

THINGS MEN DON’T LIKE ABOUT FEMALE PARTNERS (WHILE HAVING SEX WITH THEM)

– Too loose
– Makes too much noise
– Breasts too small
– Lack of booty

Again, fairly subjective stuff here – how small is “too small”? how much noise is “too much” noise? – but some stuff to ruminate on, I guess?

Or not, actually, because – by their very nature – surveys of 5,000 people tend to leave you with pretty generalised answers, rather than genuinely useful information. You know the best thing to do if you’re unsatisfied with your sex life, or feel like you have an issue you want to address with your partner? Talk to them about it. It might be a bit awkward at first, but also: at some point, you’ve smushed your face directly and sensually into their genitalia; you have to hope that, by now, you’re able to discuss the ins and outs of all that smushing.

More on VICE:

Women Talk About the First Time They Watched Porn

What Your Favourite Sex Position Says About You

WATCH – 10 Questions You Always Wanted To Ask: Tantric Sex Guru