Dear Jacinda Ardern, our undisputed and fearless leader (currently eating for two!),
Good day, Prime Minister. I will keep this brief as I realise that time is of the essence given that you could go into labour any second. I am no stranger to the knife’s-edge pressure that is being at full term in a pregnancy; my accountant’s wife Anna Martin is currently 10 days overdue with their first son, Ricky. Every second is precious at this point, for both you, and for Ricky Martin.
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So I thought I could help with some suggestions for handover notes to the incoming Acting Prime Minister, Winston AKA ‘Stinny’ Peters. You probably will have thought of most of these already, but feel free to use any which you—and your special counsel—may have overlooked.
NOTES FOR THE RIGHT HONOURABLE WINSTON PETERS
Stay Relevant
All meetings in your absence must be closed with the phrase ‘MEETING ARDERNED’ instead of ‘Meeting Adjourned’ to keep you front of mind. *Please note, I stole this idea from someone else on the Internet, but what goes around comes around. I am almost certain that Google Maps stole their idea from the original mapping system I invented entitled ‘One Direction’. This was an advanced digital map network to help people navigate the one way streets in Wellington. Which are a dog’s breakfast at the best of times.
Earn The Respect
Ensure that Mr. Peters’ security detail walk ahead of him into every room carrying a boombox playing ‘Firestarter’ by The Prodigy. This will ultimately regain him any respect that he may have lost from wayward MPs who only serve at the pleasure of the Prime Minister, as opposed to that of the ACTING Prime Minister.
Capture The Moose
Tell him to pour every resource at his disposal into the controversial New Zealand Southland Moose Hunt. If the Moose is found under Winston’s watch, his legacy as a great New Zealand hero will be firmly cemented! Leave no stone unturned, Winston.
Protect State Secrets
Keep him out of your top drawer. No matter how much you trust him, I would lock your top drawer in the Beehive and take the key away with you. Might I suggest attaching it to a bracelet or even a necklace? Store any confidential documents or ‘Redactions’ in that top drawer and DO NOT leave any robust looking letter openers around, as that’s what people in the movies always use to break into a locked top drawer.
Destroy The Opposition
Instruct Winston’s chief of staff to superglue a champagne cork to the bottom of one of Simon Bridges business shoes. This will make him walk lopsided, which would throw out his balance and undoubtedly put him on the defensive. This would lessen the chance of him throwing out any cheap shots in Parliament in your absence, and also should keep a lid on him climbing in the polls.
Protect Our Borders
There have been a few instances of late which show the vulnerabilities or ‘the chinks in the armour’ of our national security:
A) The Russian Spies that we do or don’t have living in New Zealand. We should clarify this.
B) All Black Jordie Barrett turning up to eat McDonalds with his friend in the wrong flat in Dunedin. Admittedly, it was only 5AM and he had only had “a couple of beers” but could this have been avoided?
C) A recent incident I had at the Auckland Airport Shell Station which may not have occurred if our national security had been more robust: I came out of the petrol station after buying an apricot Cookie Time and there was an elderly woman sitting in the front seat of Ray Purchase (my 1998 Nissan Primera). She was eating a chicken cordon bleu, and I told her to get out immediately as she was in the wrong car. She did, but left the C.D.B wrapper on the ground. Although her actions were not malicious, they were a bit annoying.
Stay On The Darts
Do you know if Mr. Peters is ON or OFF the darts at the moment? Everyone seems to be giving up and I wasn’t sure if Winston has turned his back on the smokers too. Would be a shame if he had. I realise it is a health concern, but Winston is known as one of the great New Zealand smokers of all time. My friend Hamish once smoked a Dunhill Blue with him in Auckland and when I pressed him for further detail he said: ‘He was a smooth, silver fox in a double breasted suit smoking a Dunnie Blue and drinking whiskey. You would be hard pressed to find a more compelling New Zealander.’ I wholeheartedly agree, so please ensure he stays on the darts for the time being. At least while you are away.
That is all for now, Prime Minister. We are all very excited for you and Clarke, and look forward to the arrival of The Chosen One! I thought a great name for your child would be Laverne Ardern if it was a girl! But no pressure as I’m sure you will have a few other options up your sleeve, and the baby may take Clarke’s last name, so I’ll stay out of it!
Yours sincerely
Reuben P. Bonner (Budding political strategist and renowned Cookie Time enthusiast)
