How to Treat Drug Dealers, According to Drug Dealers

The illegal narcotics trade is a thriving economy, with spending on drugs in the US alone nearly hitting $150bn a year, according to a 2019 report. There are many cogs to the business, but none turn without a street dealer meeting bleary-eyed stoners or waffling coke fiends in the passenger seats of cars worldwide.

For such a vast marketplace, there are no written statutes for users on how to engage smoothly in the transaction process without getting anyone arrested and/or being a total liability. Thus any guidance remains anecdotal or common sense-driven, whilst our planet’s purveyors of psychoactive substances suffer in silence at the behaviour of their clientele. Well, no longer. I spoke to pan-continental dealers – whose names have been anonymised to protect their identities – about how to buy drugs and not be a dick. 

Nick, UK: ‘All it takes is for one Karen neighbour to see something suspicious’

Sells: Cocaine, ecstasy and ketamine
One thing that absolutely does my nut is when sales [customers] move sloppy. They will miss my call because they’re drunk in the pub. When they eventually pick up, they’ll come stumbling down the street, shouting down the phone and waving money about in their hand. This hots me up. 

The correct procedure is to come to the driver’s seat rather than the window – you’d be surprised how many people don’t know this. All it takes is for one Karen neighbour to see something suspicious and make a police report with my number plate. I get that drunk people are my main customers, but if you take the piss I’m just going to long you out next time and go to other sales first. Or I’ll just swerve your call. £80 isn’t worth me going to jail for. 

People need to learn the correct etiquette when picking up. One thing that winds me up is when people send bait text messages like, “Hi mate, can I get five grams of coke please?” Or new customers that I don’t know who message me with something like, “Hey mate do you do pills?” Think about it from my position. You could literally be anyone. Just ask, “Hey mate, I got your number from X. Wanted to see if we could meet?” I’ll then call you. If they’re a dealer you already have a relationship with, just initially say, “Hey mate, you around?” and mention your location. Or give them a call – especially if it’s a larger order.

Joel, Australia: ‘First-timers buying during festival season are amateurs’

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Sells: Weed and MDMA
The biggest thing for me is the people that expect you to sit there and have a game of 20 questions about what you’re selling. I’m like, “This is a AUD$20 (£11) or $50 (£28) bag of weed, bro. Just buy it and come see me again if you like it. If you don’t, that’s cool too. There’s plenty of other dealers out there.” It’s always first-time customers that have been referred from somewhere. Go ask your referrer. Don’t waste my time because it’s not worth it for a $20 sale.

MDMA brought different irks, the biggest around summer festival season. A lot of first-timers buying then are just flat-out amateurs. They’ll be asking me to split a gram four ways because they’re too lazy to figure out how to do it. These sorts of people would also ask me if it was “pure”. If you know anything about drugs, then you’ll know there’s no such thing as “pure” on street level. Obviously I’m going to tell you it’s good stuff, but if you’re concerned – which is totally fair enough – then get it tested.

Lucia, UK: ‘Everyone expects everything in two clicks’

Sells: Instagram edibles
In the days of Amazon, everyone expects everything in two clicks and comes the next day. But Amazon has an endless supply of labour and infrastructure. We’re a small team running a hustle on the side of full-time jobs with, believe it or not, normal lives. We have set postal days and cut-off times. If you miss the cut-off, you’re in the next postal run. We try to deliver the best possible service but there’s only so many hours in the day.

The most annoying customers are ones who claim they don’t understand processes and just won’t try because of Bitcoin – despite there being hundreds of online guides to setting it up, including one we’ve created. We couldn’t make it simpler. Also: customers who start a new email chain every time they want to ask a question or place a new order. Why? It’s so much easier to keep all details in one place.

One final thing: QUESTIONS! We’re happy to help and our reputation speaks for itself. But if we’re on our sixth email, covering all bases and you’ve still not ordered, then please don’t get offended if our response time is dedicated to those eager to get through the process before the cut-off.

‘The Prophet’, Italy: ‘Don’t spam me with calls’

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Sells: ‘Basically all drugs’
Some people love giving you their life stories. Customers will get into the car and we’ll get stuck with them for ages, listening to how their parties are going or moaning about what’s happening in their lives. I’m an easy-going guy but I’m busy. Let’s keep it quick and move on.

I hate it when I turn up and someone only has half the money and the other half they want to bank transfer. Or they don’t have any money at all. I have to pay bills and rent and always set fair prices for customers, so I find it pretty disrespectful.

Don’t spam me with calls. I work in a party town and my standard reply to anyone pinging me is that I’ll be there in 15 minutes, but it’s rare that I will actually be there then. Let’s say I get four pings and I tell them all 15 minutes. One will get theirs five minutes earlier – the last drop will be ten or 15 minutes late. That’s just how it goes and it’s okay to text me if I’m five-to-ten minutes late. But don’t spam me with calls.

People buying white [cocaine] are probably the worst. It’s an expensive drug and quite a lot will try to get leverage so they can save money. Maybe they will complain, or pressure me into coming faster or they’ll go elsewhere. I used to take a lot but it never made me start fucking people over or losing my principles. We are normal people and as long as people behave calmly and friendly, there’s never going to be an issue. We have friendships through chill customers and even hang out sometimes. If you’re easy-going and we hang out, all the treats are on the house anyway.

@dhillierwrites