My Relationship Is Great – So Why Am I Questioning It?

This article originally appeared on VICE Italy.

When I think about my relationship, there is nothing really wrong with it. I’m attracted to the other person, they respect me, support me, we have common interests and values. However, sometimes, doubt creeps in. It’s a thought that is kind of scary to articulate: What if I'm missing out on something? If I were single, would my life be more interesting? More fun? More sexually exciting? Would I live somewhere else, maybe abroad? 

“It is quite normal to ask yourself these questions,” said Chiara Simonelli, psychotherapist, sexologist and professor of psychology at the Sapienza University in Rome. Humans are prompted to want what they don’t have, it’s part of the nature of desire and something that’s always existed,” Simonelli said. The problem arises when the thought becomes obsessive. “If you wake up every morning wondering what you’re missing, then that’s a bad sign,” she continued.

A key component to any relationship lies in regularly evaluating your level of connection, balance and satisfaction in regards to your individual and couple goals. Over time, you begin to see each other’s defects and the differences between you become more clear. You are then met with a reality that is sometimes very different from the idealised and euphoric version of the beginning of the relationship. 

The end of the honeymoon phase is typically when these sorts of doubts begin to arise, Simonelli said. Being in a relationship means prioritising imagining a future together rather than on your own, and enjoying the pleasures of sharing – “which doesn't mean living in symbiosis, for God's sake!” Simonelli said. But if you find yourself often doing too many things you don't like or stopping things that are important to you, then you’ll likely experience frustration, unease and a desire to escape.

“Everything has changed within a few generations,” Simonelli said. The roles and expectations of couples have changed, which also means women are more free to decide their fate. Life trajectories have changed, with young people facing socio-economic instability which inevitably leads to postponing of goals such as marriage and children which, in turn, have become devalued. 

“[Society is] increasingly characterised by individualism,” Simonelli continued. “Our main goal has become the pursuit of our own happiness.” But your partner is as just imperfect as you are. If your imperfections fit together well, then you can be content. Among the various possibilities out there, you chose one that makes the most sense.

At the same time, there’s a “disconnect we sometimes perceive between the idea of ​​what a working relationship should be like and what it actually is in practice,” Simonelli continued. “That’s a collective problem, and it makes it even more difficult to value what you have.”

For instance, even in the happiest couple, you never fully stop feeling attracted to other people. To think otherwise is to live in a fantastical version of reality. “Not only that,” Simonelli continued, “but there is no proverbial other half of the apple that is a perfect fit. In theory, every individual could form one half of many different couples, with different outcomes depending on compatibility.”

If you find yourself frequently wondering if there is someone better for you out there, the first thing to do is to have a little patience. It can be useful to reflect on your expectations for the relationship in the beginning and ask yourself whether they were met – and if not, whether you had idealised things too much. You should also consider what your own role is in how things developed, and what is your partner’s.

“Being able to understand what we put into the relationship is very interesting because things tend to repeat themselves,” Simonelli said. Taking note of patterns and seeing if they’ve also come up in other relationships is crucial in this phase. Sometimes, what we say we want and what we actually go for are very different. Finding what’s right is a continuous process of self-discovery and trying to figure out how much you’re getting of what you really like, within the limits of what's possible. 

“As humans, we are limited, we cannot do everything,” Simonelli said. “Nobody can fulfil all the needs, even the important ones, of another person.” What we must keep doing, however, is continue making choices – hopefully informed ones. Although appealing in theory, not committing to a long-term partner can really limit your personal development and ability to grow in your love.

“Serial hesitators know that every choice comes with a price and don't want to pay it,” Simonelli said. “It's a trick that doesn't work. It's another kind of choice, but with that approach, you’ll always lose."