Does Closure Actually Exist After a Break-Up?

The sense of failure, confusion, and pain is a familiar one for anyone that’s gone through a break-up.

Whether you’re the one being broken up with, or the instigator, the sudden absence of your partner can cause intense confusion. Why did the relationship fail? When did I fall out of love with them? Can I ever love someone again? Are they happier without me?

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This anguishing for a resolution is why so many suggest finding closure, and why we most likely reach for it ourselves. We need a clear narrative to help us understand the messiness of what we went through.

Does that mean closure is vital to moving on from a relationship? If so, what does it even look like? Is it finally getting to execute the perfect shower argument you’ve practised in your head for months?

The answer as in all things relationships: depends on you.

Here’s a healthy checklist to keep note of when considering what closure for a break-up could be for you.

Consider what closure might be for you.

Closure is a catch-all term for what people say you should look for, but what does it actually look like?

I think about this piece often by Miriam Johnson for the New York Times. She writes that, after her break-up, she quickly discovered her passion for sea wildlife and started working in documentaries shortly afterwards.

After starting her new role, she went back to her therapist, telling her that it had been a year since the break-up. She had her dream job and had been exercising, thinking it would heal her. It hadn’t. She still thought about her ex every day. She didn’t know what more could be done to let go.

The therapist recounted a story about a man she loved in her 20s, almost 50 years ago, that she still thought of to this day. She told Miri: “You’re asking the wrong question. It’s not about letting go. It’s about honouring what happened. You met a person who awoke something in you. A fire ignited. The work is to be grateful. Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and left a mark on you”.

Realise where you are at with the break-up.

We all process grief in different ways, and yes, break-ups are grief. Whether we feel it all after the break-up or in the relationship, everyone grieves.

Understanding and accepting a break-up are two different steps, but before you can reach those you need to realise where you’re at with it.

The five stages of grief are a great way of understanding where you might be with those feelings. Thinking about your attachment to that person and considering what is fuelling that can be immense therapy.

Are you still angry at your partner for ending things? Or for not doing enough to keep you?

Do you still think you can get them back? Is that what they would want?

A study in 2017 determined that young adults that had a greater understanding of why their break-up occurred experienced less inner turmoil and felt better about the relationship in general.

Learn your attachment style.

We love doing quizzes, especially about our personalities. Whether it’s Meyers Briggs, what sandwich you are, your secret kinks, or your love language, the results from these help us communicate to others who we are and what we need.

Our personal attachment styles are also helpful definitions to understand how we connect to people, and why we may struggle to form attachments, or stand up for ourselves and set boundaries in our relationships.

How we process our feelings after a break-up can depend on our attachment styles: Anxious, avoidant, disorganised and secure.

We can be one of many things (I personally found out I’m fearful disorganised avoidant, which felt like getting a fail on relationships).

While these theories aren’t firm within the realms of psychology, they can be a good starting point for your self-therapy journey and recognising your reactions to grief, trauma and conflict that you can start to work on.

Figure out if you’re still re-opening wounds.

Texting your ex, keeping souvenirs from the relationship, maybe even staying friends on social media. We’ve all done it. There isn’t inherently anything bad about doing any of these, but it does depend on how these things affect you and impact your healing process.

Reaching out to your ex can also extend those feelings of pain, and potentially halts them from moving on also.

In 2015, a study concluded that when people accepted a friend request from their ex on social media they experienced more anxiety and depression compared to those who didn’t.

Discover your self-worth.

We’ve all seen the meme: Block their number, delete FaceBook, hit the gym. That’s how you get over a break-up. If only it were so easy.

Break-ups can shatter our self-worth. Small accusations or negative remarks get heightened in our heads, especially if you’re still struggling to understand how the relationship fell apart.

These can impact your own internal dialogue with yourself.

This can be a sign that your mind is trying to process what happened so you can find some semblance of closure. But it’s important to remember that a loving relationship failing is almost never the fault of one individual. Sometimes it’s no one’s fault. Depending on the circumstances, forgiving yourself for your actions, even in areas you fell short, will heal you in the long run.

A fantastic Esther Perrel quote came from a podcast on cheating. She said that rationalising doesn’t have to be excusing. But it’s contextualising. Once we know the proper context behind our actions, we can start improving ourselves and healing from the relationship.

This is, perhaps, a sign that your mind actually is trying to make sense of what happened so you can find closure. However, the blame seldom falls squarely on one person and isn’t likely a reflection of you or your actions.

By not forgiving yourself for areas you think you may have fell short, you can bring emotional baggage to your next relationship.

If you’re struggling with a break-up or know someone who is, VICE has been running a “Love Better” campaign, providing resources to young people in helping them embrace their feelings of loss, love and regret. Click here to read more.

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