Kiwi Congregation

Now, before I continue let’s get one thing clear, this is NOT a beat up on religion. Let’s work on this premise; you don’t shove your shit down my throat and I’ll agree not to tell you to fuck off. It’s really that simple.

So, with that open frame of mind, we decided to check out what is quite possibly the most militant, fundamentalist Christian church in New Zealand. I think the perception that most people have of Destiny Church is that it’s one big, brown, fag hating cult that preys on the lower socio economic parts of New Zealand and manages to extract a shit-load of cash out of these poor people, all in the name of their leader, “Bishop” Tamaki. And I’d have to say that from where I was sitting, the majority of that is true.

Not to say that, as a whole, it’s an evil and abhorrent congregation. I just found that while they promoted an overall feeling of community and support amongst their followers, it was all motivated by the wrong reasons. In fact, it was so blatantly obvious that all they were after was money and political power that they even had the audacity to write in huge six-foot-text on the main wall, “Eventually Everything Will Come Under Our Influence” as a not so subtle sign of their intentions.

So, we turned up around 10am with open minds and open hearts. I was still drunk from the night before which was something of a blessing because it really paid to have a bit of a shine on when walking into one big gang HQ uninvited.

I took a Maori with me for a bit of credibility, and made sure to say “Kia Ora” & “Ka Pai” a lot. This seemed to work well.

The thing that initially struck me was how overtly happy everyone was, like, waaay too happy. In the space of 20 minutes, we would’ve been approached by at least ten of the most enthusiastic individuals I’ve ever met. It was almost like they were in a hurry to claim us as their new friends, sign us up to the church and collect a commission bonus at the end of the month.

So the sermon started off with a kick ass medley of gospel songs. It was awesome—full choir, a band with two drummers and three lead singers belting out some badass vocals.

From there it was all downhill. Brian Tamaki was away in the States spending up large on the Destiny credit card, which brought me down in a huge way. I was only really there to see that fucking guy and I got stuck with his right hand man and henchman Richard Lewis. He’s a pretty scary dude and head of the Tamaki goon squad. He dribbled on for the first half an hour preaching about tithes and offerings. I’ve been hearing some figures about how much of a contribution Destiny Church requires of its members and it’s anywhere from 10%–25% of their total incomes. After that he was pressuring them to preorder Brian Tamaki’s autobiography More Than Meets The Eye, which was like something straight out of an infomerical and a touch embarrassing.

But let me be honest with you, from there on in it was like any other church service on any other Sunday at any church for any religion anywhere in the world. Fucking mind-numbingly boring. Even worse was the fact I’d gone from happy semi drunk to full-blown hungover in a matter of 45 minutes, sweats and all. Choice.

On the whole, Destiny Church doesn’t seem like such a bad bunch. Sure, they might have a few misguided ideas about morals and the rights of gay people but we gave up listening to them ages ago anyway. If people are getting peace of mind by turning up each week and handing over a small portion of their hard earned cash, then more power to them and at the end of the day I guess it beats the TAB.

HARLAND CRISP