Ladies, Stop Being So Desperate on the Internet

How are you undermining your chances at “traditional happiness”? What desperate, pathetic actions are you unwittingly taking online, causing men to flee from your neediness? The authors of The Rules have written a new book, Not Your Mother’s Rules, a lady’s etiquette handbook for the Twitter, Facebook, and text message generation. Many men and women wake up one day and realize they’re interested in meeting someone. But we can’t always will a willing partner into our lives at any given moment using the more traditional methods of bars and friends of friends, so many people go online to increase their odds of meeting someone special.

Authors Ellen Fein and Sherie Schnieder gave an interview that is definitely not a joke with Jdate.com, an online dating site for Jewish singles. Ellen and Sherie helpfully offer advice on the phenomenon of modern women chasing men like they’ve chased their careers: “Men have a type/look and love a challenge, so it is a waste of time and doesn’t work whether you are in 1950, 1990, or 2012.” This stance presupposes that essentially nothing about relationship gender roles has changed since 1950.

Online dating sites are a place where men and women can view one another’s profiles, search for the faintest glimmers of compatibility, and then decide whether or not to contact each other, right? No. A woman cannot contact a man online: “No exceptions. A woman cannot email, or even wink at a guy’s profile, without becoming the aggressor and possibly getting hurt down the line when the guy dumps her for the woman whose profile he really likes. The only way to be sure that a guy is interested is to let him make the first move.”

Women, you are not signing up for an online dating site so that you can find compatible men to interact with on your own terms. You are there to act like a puppy in an animal shelter, making cute puppy eyes at passersby and waiting to be chosen.

Just writing in my book. Not looking desperate.

These two dynamos of relationship advice also counsel against admitting that you’ve read a man’s profile or have formed any opinions about his interests: “Do not refer to it by saying something like, “oh, you said you like the Knicks, so do I!” I find this especially puzzling because isn’t the point of having an online dating profile to showcase your interests and personality? Isn’t the actual purpose of listing things that you like to find others with similar interests?

I thought back on my own dating history and I’m pretty sure I’ve been the “aggressor” in almost every single romantic relationship I’ve ever had. I have called first, messaged first, or given my number to someone first almost every time. And here I thought I was doing just fine. Though I haven’t tricked a man into marrying me yet, so maybe I fail?

Follow Kelly Bourdet on Twitter: @kellybourdet

Connections:

• Here’s a Guy Who Posts Ugly Dating Photos to Tumblr
• Psychology Agrees, Serial Daters Wind Up With Crappy People
• Online Post-Dates Focus on What’s Wrong With You