The other night, at the US Open, some lady dipped her chicken finger in her Pepsi/Coke/whatever and the internet lost its dang mind.
After ESPN tweeted out a video of the incident, people got in on it tweeting stuff like “legit psychopath status,” or “call the cops right now.” There have also been numerous articles written about how the internet is just straight fucking aghast with this lady.
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Well, friends, I’m here to get up on my high horse, look down on you all, and tell you this is stupid and we should stop this shit. Let thee who doesn’t do weird shit with food cast the first stone.
We all eat weird things that we think are delicious. Most of us have something in our snack or cooking repertoire that we keep to ourselves. There are a lot of reasons for how we discovered these—we were high as hell, out of groceries, inherited them from our weird-ass parents, or whatever—but we like them and that’s fine.
I, for one, enjoy pita wraps with cream cheese and pickles—it’s delicious. To prove my point I decided to bug those in the near vicinity of me into telling me what weird food combinations they adore. Here’s what I heard:
- One time I got really high and put peanut butter in my Kraft Dinner. It was pretty solid. – Dan
- My brother used to eat Nutella and saucisson. – Julia
- Tuna casserole and applesauce. It started out as tuna casserole, with applesauce as a side. Over the years it turned into mixing some bites of tuna casserole with the applesauce. Things eventually graduated to me heaping applesauce right on top of the tuna casserole and mowing it down. Delicious! Direct all hate mail to my mom. Also, fuck you. – Chris
- I feel that mayo is the lubricant of the food world, so I put it on things that are too dry, which is why I have put it on steak before. – Manisha
- I once mixed leftover creamy garlic dipping sauce from Pizza Pizza with fresh homemade tomato sauce for a weird garlicy rosé. – Sasha
Just in case this isn’t good enough for you I decided to check into that hell website Reddit to see if those little freaks who post there are into weird food combinations and… of course they are. There are countless threads on odd combos.
The postings range from relative normie shit like “mustard on a grilled cheese” (oh, you devil!) to high-end-galaxy-brain-shit like “mixing cottage cheese and peanut butter,” to the that-poster-was-definitely-high combo of “Twizzlers dipped in Ruffles Buffalo Ranch dip.” Here’s a couple of my favourites :
- Bacon, mustard and peanut butter sandwiches. Because the salty bacon, tangy mustard and sweet peanut butter just work. – OdinUSMC
- I dip Oreos in orange juice. – i_ate_hippie_gumbo
- My favourite post-workout snack is white bread in chocolate milk. Big ol’ glass of chocolate milk with two slices of ripped up bread soaking in it. – JRnDtown
- Dad’s oatmeal cookies and garlic sausage. My grandfather introduced it to me and called it ‘the bachelor’s treat.’ – is_this_exercise
See. Look. We’re all freaks. Let’s stop judging and start chugging more chocolate milk with soggy bread in it, OK?
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