Little Caesars, We Need to Talk About Your Mascot’s Throat

You’ve got to admit that the Little Caesars mascot seems like a swell guy. “Pizza, pizza!” he drones in the famous tagline for the third-largest pizza chain in the world. How could you not love him? He’s the Caesar… but little!

Just look at him. What a chap.

That crazy rascal is clad in a tangerine toga and remarkably hideous sandals. Leaves from laurel wreaths poke out from behind his bald head. Sure, he’s somewhat anatomically perplexing, with his eyebrows floating above his actual head and his eyeballs intersecting with one another. Why hold that against him? He’s just here to stuff his mouth with some pizza.

But, boy, he’s got an awfully large mouth for such a small guy. And his mouth is open wide, revealing… what’s that?

Oh my.

No, this isn’t an illusion. That’s right, folks—there’s no way around it—the “Little Caesar” does, indeed, have an aggressively striated esophagus.

So, how have the inexplicable stripes in this mascot’s throat not been a constant topic of discussion? I couldn’t tell you, but I’m grateful to Ryan Pequin for using his Twitter platform on Wednesday to plead that “We need to talk about what’s going on in Little Caesar’s throat.” Mr. Pequin, do we ever…

We need to talk about what's going on in Little Caesar's throat pic.twitter.com/z7QEQ5ilQg

— Ryan Pequin (@ryanpequin) February 15, 2018

Does Little Caesar have a condition? Is he suffering? Who decided he should be drawn this way? Little Caesar… are you okay? Is there any way I can help?

I have so many questions, and I’ve reached out to Little Caesars for clarity regarding this character’s design. Astonishingly, I have yet to receive a response.

I refuse to buy in to the rumors bandied about by some imaginative Twitter users. He’s drawn comparisons to the belly of Elliott from Pete’s Dragon (1977); Zac Efron’s horrific facial hair on the set of Harmony Korine’s The Beach Bum, with grooves resembling those you’d find on a panini; the nose of a dog named Dukey from Cartoon Network’s Johnny Test; and a Pez dispenser composed entirely of pizza slices.

pic.twitter.com/CRduCJHe7T

— chocobomoshpit (@chocobomoshpit) February 15, 2018

It’s obviously @ZacEfron’s hair. pic.twitter.com/2FWVPGMxzE

— Jenna Bolmgren (@jennabolmgren) February 15, 2018

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Its like a pez machine but pizza slices https://t.co/lEWRe1fUmW

— hooderman’s back (@Hooderman) February 15, 2018

Nonsense.

What’s more suspicious is that his ruled esophageal tract is all but invisible in the chain’s more recent marketing collateral. He’s now drawn in profile, such that his throat isn’t even visible.

Something fishy’s going on here.I demand to know the truth about this pizza mascot’s striped throat. Little Caesars, have you seen our request for clarity? Please, it’s urgent.