Liveblogging the New Beyoncé Album with Kitty Pryde

Because Beyoncé is the queen of the universe, I spent money on this album on iTunes. It is 12:41 am on a Friday night and I am actually currently typing my iTunes password into iTunes because I’m paying money for this music on iTunes. Oh, now it’s done. Here we go. I’m gonna pee my pants.

PRETTY HURTS

Oh goddamnit this title makes me feel like this shit’s going to be inspiring. Oh, there’s a soundbite happening. This is going to be mad inspirational right now. I don’t want this. Yep, it’s getting inspirational as fuck, she’s talking about some emotional mom shit. I really want to skip this. Yeah, I feel like I’m supposed to believe in myself right now. WOW CAN YOU PLEASE STOP BEING INSIGHTFUL I DON’T WANNA FEEL BETTER ABOUT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. SHE’S WAILING “IT’S THE SOUL THAT NEEDS A SURGERY” IS THIS PANIC AT THE DISCO RIGHT NOW? WHAT THE FUCK? I’M SKIPPING THIS ONE. SORRY.

HAUNTED

Great, starting with another soundbite. Dude, it’s from a Beyonce home video. This is a bad time for me to be listening to this. Whoaaaaaaa she’s rapping. No, I think this is actually spoken word. What’s the difference between spoken word and rapping? I started to get mad because she just repeated “All the shit I do is boring” for like 20 hours but now it’s starting to sound like Skrillex remix bait, and I’m down. Aw man this is straight up trap music. Beyonce is on to us, guys. Oh wait no she just said “Probably not gonna make any money off of this” HAHA SHE JUST SAID THAT. Is this the opposite of Kanye? I don’t know if this song is supposed to be sexy but it’s getting sexy in my room right now. God, I am so alone.

DRUNK IN LOVE (FEAT. JAY Z)

Whoa, this is starting out like the sickest of Future songs. Did Mike Will make it? Dude, I didn’t know Beyonce drank. Actually, I didn’t know she required sustenance. Wait oh my god this means Beyonce also POOPS. Wait she’s going IN right now. My Jay Z senses are tingling, I’m pretty sure he’s about to rap and I really hope it’s EXACTLY like his verse in Suit & Tie. Yes, it definitely is. Is this the same exact verse? I’m pretty sure it is. WAAAAAIT HE JUST SAID “I EAT THE CAKE, ANIME”. JAY Z JUST FUCKING USED THE WORD ‘ANIME’ AS A PUNCHLINE. THIS IS THE BEST SONG I’VE EVER HEARD. Am I supposed to be like explaining what these songs are like? I don’t know what kind of music this is.

BLOW

Oh my god she’s cooing. Beyonce is cooing about sex things and it’s so hot in my room and oh shit she keeps moaning I CAN’T DO THIS I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS. Alright, it’s a Daft Punk song now. False alarm, I’m fine. Why do sexy candy songs always talk about Skittles? Skittles are number one on the Buzzfeed list of Top 300 Least Sexy Candies. She just WARNED ME that she was about to get into it AAAAAND SHE WASN’T EVEN KIDDING, DUDE THIS IS LITERALLY A JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SONG EXCEPT BEYONCE IS SINGING IT AND THERE ARE SPANKING SOUNDS IN THE BACKGROUND. THIS IS THE SEXIEST SONG OF ALL TIME. IS THAT TIMBALAND BEATBOXING OUT HERE? HAVE WE MADE IT BACK TO THAT PLACE? I’M SO STOKED. Aw man it’s getting kinda weird. There’s panting. Dude I can’t handle this anymore

NO ANGEL

Oh my god this song is so cute because first of all I love when Beyonce sings like a tiny bird in a Disney movie and second of all the cutest synth sound of all time is in this beat somewhere, okay yeah it happens when she’s panting “YAR…. NO …. AN… GEL…EEEE….EEHHH…” (I don’t know what she’s saying actually don’t listen to any of this. It’s late.) Ooh, she’s getting sexy again. I need to stop this I feel like Bob the Burger guy’s teenage daughter I wanna touch butts to this song. Dang this is beautiful.

PARTITION

Maaaaan I hate this soundbite thing I thought we were past it. Oh shit, this is like a scream-it-while-you’re-driving banger. She’s rapping and I’m not even laughing. LOL NEVER MIND SHE JUST SAID “I SNEEZED ON THE BEAT AND THE BEAT GOT SICKER” I WANNA TATTOO THAT ACROSS MY CHEST IN SCRIPT THAT WAS SO AWESOME. Wait, the entire song just changed entirely what the fuck I knew this would be some art shit when I heard that verse. This half of the song is WAAAAY better. This sounds like the Ying Yang Twins are bout to start shouting. Fuck, now I’m expecting it. I can’t wait to move my butt around awkwardly to this song. Ughhhhhh random boring parts keep happening. I guess this is what happens when you hang out with Kanye.

JEALOUS

It’s starting out exactly like one of those songs from the Prince of Egypt movie. Never mind, that stopped. Aw, now this is a ballad. I’m gonna sing this shit in the shower later for sure. I don’t know if I’m down for this production tho I honestly feel like they got Weezy on the electric guitar for this joint. Good thing Beyonce pulls off simpin so well because this song could’ve definitely been a disaster.

ROCKET

Oh my god the sex is back I cannot handle this “LET ME SIT THIS ASS ON YA AND SHOW YOU HOW I FEEL” I just had to throw my phone across the room because I don’t know anybody I can text that to that wouldn’t think it was creepy. She just said “reach right into the bottom of my fountain” dude this nature metaphor is getting really intense this is some “Wherever, Whenever” shit. I’m still down. Dude this is the best song I’ve ever heard. Wow get ready for me to be slurring these words at you at 3:30 am from the floor of a cab, buddy. You know who you are. Damn, now it’s getting romantic. Even better!

MINE (FEAT. DRAKE)

Goddamnit as soon as I saw (feat. Drake) this pretty ass piano started and I don’t know if I wanna feel any feelings right now I actually don’t think I’m in the mood at all. Holy SHIT this is getting very intensely personal and I do NOT like it at all, I don’t wanna know about this stuff. Dude, this is like accidentally hearing my parents discuss whether or not they should get divorced. Okay cool, it’s turning into a banger. It’s literally banging. Drake is rapping with the voicemail-sounding filter. Okay yeah it’s getting boring, I’m gonna skip this one. Waaaay too “Marvin’s Room” for me.

XO

Oh man this one’s pretty already, there’s actually applause in this beat building it up to what I assume will be an anthem. Yep, as I suspected, Beyonce’s voice has begun to soar and this is indeed an anthem. Goddamn whoever put the little build-up sounds in this song knew exactly what they were doing. This also feels a little too emotional for me. I’m starting to feel inspired. I’m going to very much enjoy this song at a moment when I’m feeling particularly content with myself. Right now I’m too tired for this one. So tired that it’s starting to sound like she’s singing in Polish. What is happening?

***FLAWLESS (FEAT. CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHE)

Uh oh, I already feel like Miley Cyrus is about to happen to me. Wait, I think I’ve heard this one. If Miley Cyrus is in it this time I’m gonna be so fucking mad. If that name is a Miley Cyrus pseudonym I’m going to bed. Dang, it’s getting feminist up in this track. No spoilers though. Damn, I’m so down. This just changed the entire album. YOOOOOO BEYONCE JUST PULLED A SERIOUS KENDRICK MOVE RIGHT NOW AAAAND NOW SHE’S GOING IN. SHE’S GOING THE FUCK IN. “Ladies, tell him ‘I woke up like this’. Say ‘I look so good tonight’ ” THIS IS WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. THIS IS THE SONG I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Minus the soundbites oh my god make them stop.

SUPERPOWER (FEAT. FRANK OCEAN)

Wow I hate this beat. This beat is reminding me of a level in Super Mario Sunshine that used to make me cry because I couldn’t beat it. All I can think about is crying over Mario right now, I hear Frank Ocean introducing himself in this track and OH EW THERE HE IS AND HE SOUNDS LIKE A CARTOON FROG RIGHT NOW HE’S CROAKING CMON MAN STOP IT. Is this supposed to be a 50s throwback? It’s so slow I can’t do this. I’m gonna try to listen to this entire song but it feels like a lullaby. Really? Violins? Now he’s croaking again. Bey, you didn’t need him. I know he seems so perfect but this was a terrible decision. You shoulda just Tyler-the-Creatored your own voice for this croaking shit. Good call on blaming someone else for it though I guess.

HEAVEN

Awwwwwwwww yeah Beyonce is warming up over a single piano track. This song is going to be full of power and feeling. Ooh, I hear angels singing. Aw man, I’m feeling it. So much longing. Oh my god. The longing. It’s not getting as musically intense as I thought it would. This is very disarming. Every note is resonating within my soul. I need soul surgery ASAP. Here go the crescendo. The wailing will soon begin. She’s about to belt it. Never mind, it got soft again. Holy shit that was a very powerful song.

BLUE (FEAT. BLUE IVY)

This is really adorable. Oh my god, it’s so cute I can’t handle it. This is actually the best song ever. This is the perfect clincher to this fucking album dude. Not only can I belt this shit in the shower, but I can also try to sing it from the floors of cabs in the middle of the night and I can also show it to my mom and get her to sing it to me sometimes and it’ll be the perfect song in any circumstance. That was some feel-good shit right there. I’m gonna listen to it like seven more times. Damn, there’s some little trap drums sprinkled in there. They just saved 72,000 “SoundCloud producers” a LOT of time on their remix.

OK, I’m pretty sure I was annoyed by like a good 36% of that but it definitely improved my mood so I’m gonna give it a solid 8. This is my first numerical score. I just quantified my opinion on a numerical scale. I need to listen to that really sexy one a few more times and go to bed.

Kitty Pryde is a musician and writer living in Brooklyn. Listen to her newest song here, and follow her on Twitter – @kittaveli