There is nothing more delicious than taking a big swig of Cristiano Ronaldo’s tears. He is a walking smirk, that smug-ass bastard. His emotional pain is scrumptious—and if there’s anyone to deliver that sweet, sweet pain, it’s a thriving Juventus team in this year’s Champions League Final. Thankfully, Mario Mandžukić has the plan to extract those tears.
At first, things looked like they’d be a shirtless party for Ronaldo for the next few months—with Ronaldo slapping in a speedy worm burner in the 20th minute.
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But it certainly would not be the final tally of the first half, as Mandžukić cooked up one of the most beautiful goals you could possibly have asked for in the Champions League Final. Just take a look:
Please conjure some more magic, Mandžukić, I want a gallon of salty liquid Ronaldo sadness.
UPDATE (4:41pm ET)
Real Madrid ended up having the last, smarmy fucking laugh on the day, as Ronaldo and crew gutted Juventus with a resounding 4-1 Champions League title victory—their second in a row.
Heck, HandsomePants even scored a second on the day in the 64th minute, just to let you know that he wasn’t going to deny himself the sweet feeling of looking at himself in the mirror, holding the Champions League trophy. Here’s what it looked like:
Marco Asensio later capitalized on some tidy end line work from Marcelo Vieira by tapping in the nail in the coffin in the 90th minute. It was a brutal.
The saddest part is thinking about this potentially being the last shot that the legendary, immortal 39-year-old Juventus keeper Gianluigi Buffon has at a a title. Sigh. Now prepare yourself for some JR Smith-level nudity from the man from Portugal.
