DEA Nabs $1 Million-Worth of Meth Disguised as Dick Candles

A DEA sting operation nabbed five people who were allegedly trying to sneak meth into New York and New Jersey hidden inside penis-shaped novelty candles, the New York Post reports.

Police pounced on the drug smugglers—who NBC News reports are allegedly part of a Mexican cartel—after they dropped off more than 1,300 pounds of meth-laced candles at a Paterson, New Jersey, warehouse Tuesday night. A source told the New York Post that the candles would have yielded an estimated 60 kilos of crystal meth once they were melted down or whatever.

An undercover DEA agent initially arranged the delivery after meeting with one of the attempted smugglers, Agustin Zamora-Vega, at a hotel, posing as a potential buyer and promising to find a safe spot to store the goods.

The men first looked at a place in Yonkers, New York, to use to melt the dicks down, but Zamora-Vega apparently thought the spot was a little too stuffy and that proper meth-schlong melting required more reasonable ventilation. They finally settled on the New Jersey warehouse and put the plan in motion.

“DEA has seen drugs smuggled in numerous ways: concealed in puppies, lollipops, furniture, and produce,” James J. Hunt, DEA special agent-in-charge, said of the arrest. “But secreting a million dollars’ worth of methamphetamine in wax candles of various shapes is shocking.”

By “various shapes,” Special Agent Hunt likely meant the numerous waxen cocks and balls the DEA uncovered in the smugglers’ 27-box haul. But there were also some religious crank candles in the batch, and at least one shaped like the Sphinx, for good measure.

Agustin Zamora-Vega and his four creative candle-smuggling pals—Orlando Alcantara, Cindy Carrillo, Santos Minjarez, and Jose Luis Gonzalez-Solis—are now facing charges of ten years to life in prison. Maybe they should just build a giant catapult to get drugs into the country next time.