Meet the Nieratkos: World’s Nicest Skatepark Bathroom

On Tuesday, February 15th the long-standing World’s Highest Ollie Record was broken by a ½ inch by Aldrin Garcia in Las Vegas. The new record stands at 45″. That is nearly a seven foot tall ollie for those of you who don’t know your conversion charts.

This record-setting got me thinking just how silly some records are, and how easy it is to create new record categories. With this in mind, I decided to nominate the bathroom at the new Below the Bridge Skatepark in Bayonne, NJ for World’s Nicest Skatepark Bathroom.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever been in a skatepark bathroom, but they’re disgusting. I believe the toilet scene in Trainspotting was filmed in a skatepark. I have been to skateparks all around the world and have never, ever come across a bathroom as clean and well built as the one in Bayonne. In Japan I saw a dead baby floating in the toilet at a park (female, of course). Using a skatepark bathroom in Brazil can give you AIDS. In Germany, the skatepark bathrooms have fake shower heads installed and vents in the ceiling that pump in poisonous gas whenever Jewish skaters go pee pee or poo poo. As a result, the Jewish skate community in Germany have some of the biggest bladders in the world (Another possible World’s Record? Just not sure how you’d measure that… CAT scan?).

I think the reason skatepark shitters are so vile is that skaters are confused by cleanliness. The Sayreville Skatepark in my hometown used to have really nice bathrooms, which baffled kids. They didn’t know what to do with them so they ripped the sinks off the walls and smashed them in the urinals, smeared poo all over the walls, and pushed the metal stall door through the frame so it would neither open nor close. Now those bathrooms are permanently locked and the skaters couldn’t be happier; one less thing to think about.

The owner of Below The Bridge Skatepark, Victor Lucciola, is a contractor with a construction company; he doesn’t know how to make anything half-assed. You can tell by the craftsmanship of the park. Just check out this video:

I have to admit, when I used Victor’s bathroom, I freaked out. My childhood instincts took over momentarily and I grabbed a handful of my poo and began to plot a smear. I’m a grown man, with a child. I can’t be writing my name in poo anymore. So, I put the poo in my pocket and sat down. I was overcome with sadness. I still very much wanted to rub my poo on something…

Then I got consumed with jealousy. Not only was I in the World’s Nicest Skatepark Bathroom but it was nicer and bigger than my bathroom at home.

Have I ever told you about my basement bathroom? It’s fantastic: 10′ x 10′ with a Japanese toilet, multi-head shower, and three-person Jacuzzi tub. I hate it. I paid for it with money I was awarded after getting hit by a cab on South Street in Philly, so every time I crap I think of that pain. My plumber was smoking crack and snorting heroin while doing the plumbing and, as a result, set the pipes for the tub on the wrong side of the room. I had to jackhammer the floor to move them, so I think of that every time my wife and I try to relax in the tub.

Also, my brother-in-law was hopped up on goofballs at the time of the framing and put the wall in the wrong place. To fix that, I had to sawzall the nails that were shot into the cement floor and slide the wall over four inches so the toilet would fit, so I think about that whenever I’m pissing. He also used the weather-treated 2″x4″s meant for the floor as the wall studs, so the framing had to be yanked down and re-done. Now I can’t help but think of that and cry whenever I’m washing my loins in the shower.

Between my nightmare home bathroom and my 15 years experience with/honorary degree in skatepark restrooms, I like to think I know a few things about lavatories. Authority established, it is my great pleasure to award Below The Bridge Skatepark the World’s Record of Nicest Skatepark Bathroom ever!

Don’t believe me? The 5 Boro Skateboard team will be doing a demo there this Sunday at 4 PM. Go check it and have a look at the shitter for yourself. Just don’t rub feces on anything. It’s not cool, bro.

CHRIS NIERATKO

For more stupid, go to http://www.chrisnieratko.com/