This Mattress Will Tell You if Your Partner Is Cheating

For all of history, the mattress has been forced to suffer in silence. The sole observer of our most intimate moments, it has never been able to report on our pitiful attempts at doggy style or poorly-planned threesomes.

That is, until now.

Last Wednesday, Spanish mattress maker Durmet unveiled a new high-tech spring mattress that can tell its owner, via an app, both if people are fucking on it and how well the session is going. Naturally, the bed, or “Smarttress,” is being marketed as a way to catch cheating spouses in the act, though it could just as easily provide a whole range of intriguing data to curious customers and sex researchers.

Read More: People Explain Their Reasons for Cheating

According to Damien Lucas, a spokesperson for Durmet, the idea for the 1500 EUR ($1800) bed came about after the Ashley Madison data dump, which indicated Spain was the least faithful country in the European Union. Lucas saw this dubious honor as golden opportunity to position Durmet as a mattress company that not only provided customers with a restful night but could also “put them at ease throughout the rest of the day.”

Broadly talked to Lucas about how the mattress works—and why it’s better than actually, you know, communicating with your partner about possible infidelity.

Image courtesy of Durmet

BROADLY: You’ve been getting press all over, but some reporters are still wondering: Is this a joke?
Damien Lucas: No, it’s not a joke. We did a press event last Wednesday in Madrid where the media could have a look at it and test it. You can pre-order it confidentially on the web, and you will soon be able to pick it up in stores, too.

Tell me more about how the mattress’s “lover detection system” works. How can it tell if someone is fucking on it?
The lover detection system uses 24 sensors spread throughout the mattress to measure the echo traveling from the center of the mattress to the edge and the speed with which the sound comes back. We use 24 sensors because it allows us to spread them out six by four, making the whole mattress like a net. The net sends a signal to the server, which analyzes it to make sure people are actually having sex on it.

And it’s not just your dog jumping on it.
Or yourself just hanging out. It has to have a certain rhythm, speed, and pressure, and it has to be two bodies. Or at least two bodies.

So people have to actually be humping each other for it to notify you.
Yes, you have to be humping, basically—otherwise the mattress won’t recognize it as a sexual act and it won’t react.

If the mattress does think something is happening, it will send you a push notification via Wifi or 4G, which you can open via an accompanying app. There, you can also see a clock ticking, which will tell you how long the activity has lasted—you know, whether it’s ten minutes or 15 minutes. Then if you slide to another screen, you can also see the pressure, the rhythm, and velocity of the activity. You also get a 3D image in real time, which is a bit of a quirky feature, but it allows you to see from the side and the front how the mattress is being used.

You can see if the fuckboy is a better lover than you are.
Exactly…

Are there any plans to integrate the mattress with other devices so that the humping could trigger a speaker to play a very unsexy song? Maybe something by John Mayer?
There are no plans at the moment to integrate that kind of feature. Durmet is already swamped with queries and ideas, and they just want to focus on getting this mattress properly in the market.

In all seriousness, why not just talk to your partner rather than snooping behind their back?
You’re right, but you know, some people need the kind of reassurance we provide. Maybe they’re away, maybe they travel a lot, or maybe they’re in a shitty relationship and looking to get out. Truthfully, we hope the bed will never have to send you a notification.

So it’s more geared towards rich spouses who might not even be on the same continent half of the week.
Yes, well, you know, the price point is not for your standard mattress. But I must also say, it is, appearance-wise, identical to any normal mattress. Nothing on it reveals what’s inside. Even the people who transport the mattress from the factory to the client’s home don’t know that there’s anything special about it. Obviously this won’t solve all the problems in the world, but we’re just trying to give people some assurance that they’ll be notified about what’s happening at home.