Well, kiddos, it’s the holiday season and you know what that means!
Friends, family, terrible dairy-based alcoholic drinks, and me answering your most Googled questions and becoming incredibly annoyed at the profound ignorance of my fellow Canadians.
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Based on Google’s year-end data, we can see Canada had one heck of a sports-focused year. The top five people searched were Kawhi Leonard, Bianca Andreescu, Don Cherry, Kevin Durant, and Antonio Brown. We also cared more about NBA finals than the election; the top two searches were the Raptors and Kawhi, while the election came in a paltry third. In music searches, somehow, Freddy Mercury was top and was followed by R. Kelly (for I’m guessing his non-music related activities), Billie Eilish, Mötley Crüe (?), and 21 Savage. Based on search, we wanted to watch Stranger Things, Game of Thrones, and Chernobyl, and we wanted to cook up some beef stroganoff, brussel sprouts, and coleslaw.
How fun.
More than anything though, y’all turned to Google to answer your questions—but who needs that when you have me, an insufferable millennial who can answer those questions for you?
Who won the Raptors game?
Well, kids, I’m going to need you to be more specific on this, but the way last year went and how this year is going, probably the Raptors.
Why is Fortnite not working?
OK, boomer. I don’t fucking know. You didn’t pay the internet bill? The game is free to play; stop complaining.
How old is Canada in 2019?
Well, Canada is weird, and we have several ways of telling how old the country is. If you ask Indigenous peoples, they would say this land is far older than, say, a fan of the elder Trudeau. Canada’s Confederation happened in 1867 so the country would be 152 going off that. In 1982, the country formally signed into power its own constitution independent from the United Kingdom, so if you go off that the country is 37. I like to think of it as the latter, that the country isn’t as old as the first Mötley Crüe album.
Who killed Jimmy Hoffa?
Oh good. OH GOOD. You decided to ask Google ONE OF THE MOST ENDURING WHODUNIT QUESTIONS OF THE MODERN DAY. No one knows who killed Jimmy Hoffa; that’s why the question is so famous. I’m going to assume this question is here because of The Irishman and blame this question on Martin Scorsese and Netflix.
Why is Toronto called the 6?
Well, first of all, dear friends, it’s called the 6ix, not the 6 (something my more Toronto-centric co-workers corrected me on upon moving here). The answer you’re looking for is Drake. Drake is the reason it is called the 6ix. It comes from the fact there are 6s in both area codes in the city (647 and 416) but the reason you know of the 6ix is Drake. You know who he is.
(Hogtown is a better nickname; fight me.)
Who should I vote for?
It’s too late to answer this but not too late to declare they all sucked.
Who owns Greenland?
This is one of those questions that hammers home how warped our perception of time has become in the last year. While I recall vaguely there was a Greenland/Trump thing about him wanting to buy it, I have no idea when it was. It could have been last week, it could have been in February…Reader, I have no idea. What if this never goes back to normal? What if we’re stuck like this until our eventual demise? We’re all getting closer and closer to death and life is nothing but jumping from one insane news story to another. Time is meaningless and existence is a pain.
Denmark. It is Denmark who “owns” Greenland.
Who won the Super Bowl?
A bunch of assholes.
Who won the Stanley Cup?
A bunch of beauties.
Why do we have daylight savings?
Because politicians are too lazy/fearful to change a useless policy. Also farmers.
Who is Greta Thunberg?
Thunberg is a teenage climate activist whose global drive for addressing climate change inspired people across the world to demand action and old male columnists to get their Depends in a bunch. She was also Time magazine’s Person of the Year.
Why was Don Cherry fired?
Don Cherry used the term “you people” when negatively referring to immigrants and was axed. It was a whole dang thing that kicked off hockey’s journey of examining its toxic underbelly.
Why is celery so expensive?
Lol, what? Was there like some celery shortage I experienced or something like that? What is this question?
So, it turns out, there indeed was a massive hike in celery prices this winter and I just did not hear about it. At some points, celery was selling for six bucks—which is way too expensive for one of the worst vegetables. Canada has to import celery and California was having a bad season for the crop. Let’s get real here; celery is like 90 percent water and I don’t understand how it’s a foundation of French cooking.
How many fouls to foul out in an NBA game?
I know exactly where this question comes from. It was Game 3 of the NBA Eastern Conference finals, Raptors vs. Bucks, and things were tight and we were all keeping an eye on Lowry who was at four fouls early in the fourth. It takes six to foul out and eventually he did. The Raptors would win this one in double overtime but they desperately could have used their fouled-out point guard.
Why is the Amazon burning?
It was an overactive season for fires in the Amazon with, at one point, 40,000 fires burning in the rainforest. These fires all had different origins, with some speculating they were caused by climate change, seasonal weather events, others saying accidents, and some even speculating arson. I’m assuming the latter is the reason many people searched for this question. There are no concrete answers at this point but it’s an important topic. With Jair Bolsonaro in charge of Brazil, we’re seeing a surge in deforestation in the Amazon. Needless to say, this isn’t good because that rainforest is pretty damn important for the environment. Here’s some further reading.
How do I register to vote?
Ask me in four years.
How many seats are needed to win a majority?
You need to win 170 seats. No one did this year meaning there is a minority government. You know what? You may be asking me the above question again sooner rather than later.
Why is it called Good Friday?
Cause that’s when Jesus died. Hail Satan.
Jokes aside, this one is actually debated. Some say it comes from how languages and names evolve, and in the past it was once referred to as “sacred Friday” or something of that nature. Others say it’s good because it kicks off the whole Jesus dying, being resurrected, and forgiving us for our sins thing. Others say it’s just for good tidings. No matter what, it relates to Jesus dying.
How do you pronounce Psalm?
Hey, two questions in a row where I can flex the knowledge and deep shame that 12 years of Catholic school beat into me! You pronounce is with the p silent, so “salm” (like “calm” but with an s not a c). That said, why is this here? What kind of sinning were you heathens doing? (It’s here because of Kim and Kanye’s new son, born in May.)
How tall is Kyle Lowry?
I googled this exact question during the playoffs. Buddy is 6 feet tall but plays like a 7-footer.
Who invented basketball?
I assume everyone searching this had an annoying Canadian looking over their shoulder who just spouted off, “Did you know a Canadian invented basketball? Yeah really! Look it up. Check out the heritage minute!” It was Jim Naismith of Almonte, Ontario, who invented basketball. So, yes, while he invented it in the States where he called home and would eventually die, it was invented by a Canadian. The bragging rights are ours.
How many games are in the NBA Finals?
You only need six, bay-bay!! (Actual answer: Can go up to seven but you only need four.)
Who is the whistleblower?
Well, there have been plenty of whistleblowers this year but I assume you mean the one connected to the impeachment fiasco going on down south. While there has been plenty of speculation on who brought up the Ukraine quid pro quo stuff, nobody has stepped forward. If you instead were asking about the Nixon impeachment, well, then your answer is Deep Throat. Yes, I just wanted to write Deep Throat.
Why am I always tired?
Did my subconscious write this question? I don’t know what your situation is but make sure you don’t ignore this feeling. Take some time to address it and to see if there are any mental or physical reasons causing it. Ignoring it will just cause it to compound until it feels like you’re staring up from the bottom of a chasm and it will start to affect other parts of your life… Trust me; I know.
How many episodes are in Game of Thrones season 8?
I never watched the show but from how the people surrounding me during the spring were acting I can tell you there were only six episodes. Six deeply disappointing episodes.
Why did the Jonas Brothers break up?
I hope you’re all happy with yourselves. Y’all made me look up the Jonas Brothers timeline. I don’t recall what my grandmother’s voice sounds like but now I know that the Jonas Brothers initially broke up in 2013 citing creative differences and just recently got back together. They dropped a new album in the summer and it went to No. 1. Good for the brothers, I guess.
How old is Dolly Parton?
HOW IS THIS HERE AGAIN? AGAIN! IT WAS THE SECOND MOST SEARCHED “HOW” QUESTION!!! LAST YEAR IT WAS NO. 3! WHAT IS GOING ON!!??!! Is the mystery of Dolly Parton’s age so enticing that year after year Canadians crawl to their computers and desperately search for how many years Ms. Parton has been on this earth? Jesus Christ guys, write this down: Dolly Parton was born in January 1946, making her 73 years old.
Next year she’ll be 74. The year after she’ll be 75. The year after that one, 76. Then it’ll be 77. Then, guess what? The year after that she’ll be 78. Moving on from that one she’ll be 79. The year after, doot-doo-doo, she’ll hit the big 80. Moving on from there, do you know what comes after? That’s right, Dolly Parton will be 81. Then, a year to the dang date after she turned 81 she’ll turn 82 (what are the odds?!?!). Incredibly, the year after she’ll be 83. DO YOU GET HOW THIS WORKS?!?!
DO. NOT. MAKE. ME. DO. THIS. AGAIN.
I’m done with y’all.
