Lesbian Parmagian-Off

A few months ago, someone came to us with a theory so radical, so revolutionary, that, if proven true, would change the way we looked at chicken parmesans forever. The hypothesis was this: All of the truly great chicken parmesans in the world are cooked by lesbians. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Maybe even border-line offensive. But get this, over the following weeks, we noticed that many of the more highly-regarded parmas around town were in fact orchestrated by women who like women.

So what gives? Does their inherent blend of masculine and feminine give lesbian sisters an edge in parma preparation? Would the theory also hold true with gay guys? And what the fuck do breeders find so hard about melting cheese onto a bit of pan-fried chicken? We rounded up four friends, gave them $17.50 each, free run of a kitchen, and told them to do their sexual orientations proud. Our taste testers where parmaficionados Tattoo Tim and Tim the Bike Guy.

Petra – The straight girl
Not only was Petra the youngest of our cookers, she was also a vegetarian student with no idea what was in a parma. This hurt her at the supermarket, where Doug had to take her under his wing. She received a second boost when her mother brought around a bunch of home grown organic vegetables, which intimidated the other contestants.

Tim and Tim’s verdict: “This tastes really fresh and wholesome. The layered tomatoes on top are a good touch as well. It’s a solid home-made tasting parma.”

Presentation: 7.75, Taste: 8

Darcy – The gay guy
This bad boy rode to my house straight from overnight lock-up. Nevertheless, he was as dapper and excited as ever. Darcy seemed pretty confident from the beginning, and was the only contestant to have ever cooked a parma in the past. Considering he had come from prison, he was still the perkiest one of the group; let’s see if his good vibes permeated his cooking.

Tim and Tim’s verdict: “Well, you had me at hello with this dish. It’s like a show parma. It tastes like…. Candy! This tastes exactly like what you expect from a pub pot’n’parma meal. The gay pride candles are a nice touch.”

Presentation: 10, Taste: 7.5

Douglas – The straight guy
Doug is a multimedia artist from London. While admitting he did “enjoy the odd parma now and then” he had not previously cooked one. Doug’s supreme confidence gave us the sense he was going believe his way to the head of the field.

Tim and Tim’s verdict: “Fucking hell Doug, you had it and lost it buddy. Too much food. By the time you get around the sides, you lose too much of the parma. Looks like pride came before the fall on this one.”

Presentation: 7.5, Taste: 7.5

Alex – The gay girl
Alex is a literature student who only found out about the challenge a few minutes earlier when we called her to fill in for a previous lesbian who went AWOL. Of all of our contestants, she was most chef-like, freaking out lots and needing a bunch of cigarette breaks to get through a task which, in terms of stress factor, is hardly like diffusing a warhead.

Tim and Tim’s verdict: “Yep. This is definitely the one. Shiiiit, without a doubt; the chicken is perfectly proportioned, the ham is cooked just right, the cheese is a perfect melt and the sauce is rich and consistent but not overpowering. This is awesome. You’ve done it, you dark horse lesbian you.”

Presentation: 9, Taste: 9.5

VICE: What did you think your chances were before the competition?
Alex: Actually pretty good. Even though I’ve never cooked one I thought I could win. I thought I was only up against Doug at first, and I’ve lived with him and I know he can only cook Chilli Con Carne. As soon as we started though I thought I was fucked, it was quite stressful.

Who did you think was your biggest threat?
Definitely Petra. Organic food scares me. It’s in a different league. Also, I knew she as doing quite well when we were cooking because I kept on looking over to check her out. (Babe.)

What made you the better cook?
I think my hangover helped by slowing me down; slow and steady wins the race.

So it had nothing to do with being a lesbian?
No. But it could have something to do with being Italian.