Federal ‘Teen Footworshipper’ Retires With Honors

Every few months, I file a bunch of Freedom of Information Act requests with the Inspectors General at various federal agencies for their recently closed reports. As the name suggests, Inspectors General do investigations into government impropriety, fraud, or crimes having to do with a specific agency, write investigation reports about these crimes, suspected crimes, or general fuckery, then send them on to people who can levy fines or fix corruption or press charges.

These reports are endlessly fascinating to me—a few years ago a NASA OIG report showed me that NASA lost a priceless lunar rover prototype to a scrapyard, which I was then able to find—and so I always ask for them because all kinds of crazy stuff is happening all the time. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that more government officials than you’d think (as in, more than zero) look at porn on their federal computers, which can lead to them being written up in OIG reports. 

This brings me to the tale of a worshipper of “teen” feet at the Federal Communications Commission. According to a memorandum from the FCC Office of Inspector General, in late 2019, the FCC’s Chief Human Capital Officer reported a federal employee (whose name is redacted in the document) who made a habit of watching porn on their government computer in their government office on the FCC’s network. The FCC analyzed this person’s computer, email, and web-browsing history, and confirmed that they were indeed watching porn at work.

“The OIG investigator identified two (2) unique Google searches that return pornographic images,” the “REPORT OF INVESTIGATION” states. “The Google search ‘teen footworship gifs’ was identified six (6) times and the Google search [REDACTED] was identified three (3) times.” 

The investigator found that the person was regularly visiting porn sites in addition to Googling. The person was then told that it was inappropriate to worship teen feet during taxpayers’ time and that they could possibly get malware if they worshiped the wrong teen feet on the wrong teen feet worshipping website, according to the broad strokes of the investigation, and apparently did not look at any more teen feet on your or my dime ever again. 

What ultimately happened to this teen foot worshipper? 

Turns out they retired while they were still being investigated, and their colleagues threw them a party: “We received an email message from [redacted] announcing [redacted’s] retirement and farewell celebration scheduled for [redacted],” the OIG wrote. “Based on the announcement of [redacted’s] retirement, we would recommend no further investigation into this issue at this time.”