I shared my thoughts in a self-reflection essay that I wrote a few months ago, arguing that filial piety should be done out of love instead of obligation and tradition. At the very least, it certainly shouldn’t be guilted out of children as a way to “test” their love and dedication. The comments on the article sparked heavy debate and divided opinions.The comments made me question myself. Was I wrong for feeling so conflicted toward my parents? Should I love them unconditionally, mould myself into the daughter that my parents want, and sacrifice my own happiness—especially since they sacrificed so much for me? Is this Asian culture the way of life and should I just accept it? Is it unfair for me to bring my Westernized values to my family?I’ve always felt the immense pressure to please my parents growing up, so much so that I’ve suppressed my own identity, voice and dreams in order to keep my parents happy. Whether it’s diminishing my views on a topic I’m passionate about, or giving up a boyfriend due to my parents’ disapproval of non-Chinese partners— my subconscious kept a tally each time I betrayed myself, leading to a series of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I’m still trying to undo.
As I reached my teens, I hadn’t learned about mental health, nor had I learned that mine was quickly deteriorating. According to Earnshaw, impacts of damaged mental health can come out anywhere in your life: in relationships, at work, or a general lack of motivation or self-confidence. More seriously, it can manifest itself as thoughts of unworthiness or self-harm.“If anybody is having thoughts of ‘I can’t live up to what I’m supposed to live up to', 'I might as well not be alive anymore because I’ve shamed my family', or 'I’ve let them down’, that’s a huge sign that you’ve been impacted by this, and has gone to a point that it’s unhealthy,” she explained. “When there’s no balance anymore— when there’s no self and you’re only operating on honouring of parents, I think that’s when the line gets crossed.”To those with a similar relationship with their parents, Earnshaw suggests to ask the following questions: Do I have any say in my life at all? When I make choices to honour my parents, is it at my own free will? Is it because it feels good to me, because I have gratitude and because I love them, or is it because if I don’t do it, I feel like I’m going to be shamed, guilted or cut out of my family?In its purest form, filial piety is a method of honouring and thanking elders for the sacrifices they have made. It is a value passed from generation to generation to respect those that came before. At the heart of it all, healthy practices of filial piety can greatly deepen the relationship and respect children have for their parents. Oftentimes, however, it takes the form of a poison apple, used to excuse damaging parenting behaviour and held above a child as a warning or reminder to make them behave.It is crucial to differentiate between the two.I allowed my desire to please my parents cloud my vision and excuse my parents’ hurtful behaviour because of filial piety. As a young adult, I wish I could go back in time to console 14-year-old me, telling her that my parents’ parenting tactics are flawed and to not let their words get into her head.