Christchurch, New Zealand, is under bombardment. It’s being shelled by an overwhelming enemy force. Gulls. Flocks of gulls have descended upon New Regent Street in Christchurch and have shat upon storefronts en masse. The citizens of Christchurch are helpless amidst the onslaught. No one knows what to do other than take cover and invest in some good rags and a powerful spray cleaner, maybe even a good scraper to knock off the dried poop.
The gull population has surged recently in Christchurch and local businesses are feeling the might of the red and black-billed gulls, both a nationally protected species so it’s not like people can blow them out of the air like a giant game of Duck Hunt. This isn’t even the first time they’ve invaded. They started breeding in earnest after an earthquake in 2019 damaged a building that the gulls then turned into a big nest. Their numbers exploded from there.
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One local by the name of Casey Alderson was quoted as saying, “It is definitely safe to go out, but I would almost recommend an umbrella or a napkin or something just in case. Their extra protective now that they are nesting. They are actively swooping down and taking food and scraps off everyone’s plates.”
The gulls are stealing people’s food and then shitting it out all over them. That’s the kind of disrespect you only see from an occupying force that wants to let its oppressed underclass feel the humiliation of their rule.
It’s all made worse by the fact that the birds are in their nesting season, so they are a little bit more aggressive than usual. The citizens and storefronts of New Regent Street will have to endure at least a few more months of enemy occupation before the torment levels off a little. The residents have tried everything, from scarecrows to noisy devices designed to ward off animals to statues of fake birds, but so far nothing has worked. The gulls’ determination to shit on everything is resolute.
Godspeed, citizens of Christchurch. May the bird menace plaguing your lives stop shitting on you.
