Welcome to the Noisey Power Rankings, where we take a look back at this week in music-ish news and try to figure out who came out on top and who took the Ls. Let’s dig in…
Method Man
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Method Man goes up this week. The Wu-Tang Clan performed “C.R.E.A.M.” on Jimmy Kimmel sponsored by Google Pixel 3™ and Meth sat in the back eating a bag of Cheetos. A hero to all us bloggers everywhere. Cheetos Rule Everything Around Me.
Monster Energy Drink
Speaking of blogger fuel, Cheetos’ beverage counterpart, Monster Energy Drink, goes up this week after this video resurfaced of an insane Christian fundamentalist spending like five minutes making the drink sound cool as hell:
Mo Bamba
The 76ers’ arena played “Mo Bamba” after Mo Bamba got dunked on. Nothing like getting figuratively dunked on after being literally dunked on. So, Mo Bamba, the person, goes down in the rankings, but “Mo Mamba,” the song, remains where it is. We’re sorry if this is confusing.
Liam Gallagher
Liam Gallagher seemingly livetweeted his experience of listening to Radiohead’s OK Computer this week. Not sure “Liam Gallagher livetweeting about Radiohead” needs any further justification.
Liam Neeson
It was a very good week for Liams because Liam Neeson went up in the rankings for killing a mother fucker with a tree in the trailer for his new snow plow death movie. Looks like this guy was [puts on sunglasses and looks directly into camera] barking up the wrong Liam. 😎
Charlie Kirk
Kanye West’s BFF and human shark tooth necklace Charlie Kirk must’ve had one too many Capri Suns before his panel at Politicon over the weekend because the boy snapped in the middle of it, screaming “I live like a capitalist every single day.”
Burger UrWay
Burger UrWay on Manhattan Avenue in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, goes up this week for getting a Seamless order delivered to us in 13 MINUTES after placing it. How did they do this??? We have so many questions but at the same time, that’s time and effort we could be using to eat burgers.
Ed Sheeran
Who comes out on top when Ed Sheeran hangs out with Korn? We had a restless night trying to decide and we’re not sure. We’re gonna call this a wash.
Bongs
Bongs go up this week after this guy warded off robbers with a bong. He didn’t really even have to use force, he just used it as an instrument of intimidation. Bongs, is there anything they can’t do?
Escalators
Is there any way to say “elevators go down” without sounding like we’re making a bad pun? Probly not, so we’ll just say eeesh, this looks like our literal nightmares. Hope everyone is OK.
Ice-T
Ice-T, who we have very real suspicions might actually be Dril, blew a toll and got arrested for it. Good for Ice and also, fuck tolls. “Tolls” are just one letter away from “trolls” and you know how Ice handles those:
Mygynyn Kyllyy
On the one hand, it’s extremely hilarious that Megyn Kelly is gonna lose her NBC show for the kind of racism that would’ve gotten her a raise on Fox News. On the other hand, she’ll probably be given an eight-figure buyout and will soon be co-hosting a show with the college gun girl on www.patriotwars.maga or whatever the fuck.
Florida
Florida had a good week for possibly the first time in the state’s history after gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum murdered his opponent so badly in a debate that you can actually see the guy’s soul leave his body in real time. Usually most people have abandoned their souls long before entering politics so this was a nice treat for viewers. Congrats to Florida who went five minutes without embarrassing themsel—oh goddammit.
Greta Van Fleet
Greta Van Fleet always seemed pretty lame to us but their new album got a bad review on Pitchfork so they might be worth checking out after all! We’ll keep you posted.
Waves
There is a flood of waves in this video and we are drowning. We spent a long time discussing whether or not there’s a white people equivalent of this until we realized there is: gender reveal parties.
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Screenshot: SEGA
