Dogs ain’t humans, buddy. I watched my father learn this seemingly intuitive lesson the hard way once, when he went vegan and decided his dog should be vegan as well (based on no dog science whatsoever). He started cooking up these bullshit sweet potato and brown rice and veggie meals for his Labrador, Homer. Homer seemed fine with it (because dogs will eat anything), but his vet was distressed when it came time for a check-up.
Just because dogs will eat anything, that doesn’t mean that they should. But if you have a vague feeling that your dog ought to be eating healthier… you’re probably right. Obviously, in today’s tech-obsessed, app-administrated world, the only logical alternative to the garbage available at the grocery store is [checks notes] a concierge custom dog food company—aka Nom Nom—that sends your dog food based on recipes “formulated and scientifically evaluated for nutritional balance by board-certified veterinary nutritionists.” OK, nobody gives a rat’s ass if I have Whole Foods pizza and a beer for lunch, but apparently my dog should have a panel of scientists on call to mail him a perfect and healthy feast. (IDK, let’s be real—your dog is a king and probably should be eating better than you.)
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Nom Nom promises “meat that looks like meat and veggies that look like veggies,” which is to say no gross, processed sludge like you get at fast food restaurants other dog food companies. Basically, you have to fill out this quiz—because the dog can’t do it—where you give your little homie’s breed, age, weight, and body condition. You even share their dietary “preferences.” For instance, if your pet will eat anything, including inanimate objects and poop, you can input the option “No issues.” From there, you select from options like “beef mash,” “turkey fare,” “chicken cuisine,” and “pork potluck,” which do sound healthy even if the branding could use a little work. You can also get beef jerky treats, which I have yet to hear any dog reject in the name of dietary preferences. Then, the robots vets at Nom Nom put together a portioned-out plan for your dog, and shipments are sent once a month. Nom Nom claims that the benefits of its very fancy food include more energy, better breath, less shedding, weight goals reached, and increased stamina. [Rodney Dangerfield voice] And your dog’ll love it, too!
See, films and literature (and, you know, actual science) have made us scared that AI or humanoid monkeys are going to rule the world soon… but no, it’s probably the dogs we need to worry about. For now, though, I hope dogs on Nom Nom meal plans understand that they’re getting elite treatment here. I almost feel left out, so if somebody could come up with a pizza-and-burrito delivery system based on my own particular dietary needs, that would rule.
Read more about Nom Nom here.
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