Dear god Norway, first Australia, now you?
Why the hell do we have all these countries trying to step to Canada and take away the only real thing we have—our massive, Earth-shattering size. As Canada’s premier defender of our throbbing bulge, our most adamant and hard-nosed supporter of our girth, I am here to say: back down, Norway—you don’t want none of this.
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What’s this rather feisty Canadian boy going on about, you wonder. Well, let me clear it up to you—Norway holds the title for the world’s biggest moose statue and that’s bullshit. I’m here to set the record straight.
Originally, and rightfully, the world’s biggest moose was held in the Saskatchewan town of Moose Jaw—a very poetic home for the world’s largest moose, right? Proud and rippling with muscles, the ten-metre tall Mac the Moose (points for the name but you forgot the K) welcomed visitors to Moose Jaw and allowed drivers to mumble to their passengers the nice tidbit of trivia that, “you know that’s the biggest moose statue in the world?” But then a Norwegian sculptor—an artistic terrorist of the highest order—decided that she would shit all over Moose Jaw’s pride and joy and built a statue called “Storelgen” in Oslo so they could steal Mac’s title.
They built it the ugly-as-sin Storelgen in 2015 and it hurt then like it hurts now, but just recently a couple of comedians reminded us that we’re Canadians—we, not Norway, are the long and thick kings of moose-related art. We need to remember that now, because of Norway, all Moose Jaw holds is simply an above average moose and we’re not—WE ARE NOT—going to stand for this international act of aggression (a four-year-old act of aggression, yes, but still.)
Because of you, Norway, the fine people of Moose Jaw went from living in the town with the world’s biggest moose to just living in Saskatchewan—do you know how brutal that is? How dare you cuck the fine Moose Javians like this, Norway?
HOW DARE YOU!
Look, do I need to break down why you mustn’t dare pretend to be bigger than us?
According to Google—I’m not giving Norway the proper respect of looking up their information on anything but Google—Norway is 385,203 square kilometres. Well, Canada is [cocky little chuckle] Canada is 9.985 million square kilometres. Yeah, makes you seem pretty small in comparison, huh? When people see Canada’s size they go weak at the knees and their eyes go wide and mutter under their breath, “goddamn, that’s a huge country.” When Switzerland is trading with you they’re thinking of us and our wide open fields and the fact we’re so girthy we stretch from the Atlantic to the Pacific.
What even do you have Norway? Some fish cuisine, sure, but what after that? What do you even have that could touch us, the ruler of the bulky? Sure, Norway may not have fucked up their oil wealth as we have, but who cares about little things like the economy? Everything I could find that was neat about Scandinavia was out of Sweden— we’re still cool Sweden, just don’t make like a giant beaver or something—like… you have nothing and whatever you do we do it better.
You have pickled herring and we have back bacon. You have Mats Zuccarello, we have Connor McDavid. (Editor’s note: Mats Zuccarello has appeared in 47 more NHL playoff games than Connor McDavid, with 31 points compared to McDavid’s nine.) Hell, just Newfoundland has more moose than your entire country. Google tells me your biggest movie star is a man named Aksel Hennie who I assume maybe works the door at one of Ryan Gosling’s or Ryan Reynolds’ (that’s right, we got both Ryans) house parties. What’s even your best band, A-Ha? That’s cute, maybe if they need a confidence boost they can borrow a platinum record from the hundreds of records that Nickelback, the pride of Hanna, Alberta, has set.
So, you know what, Norway? You just keep your giant moose, it’s not like we’re overcompensating for something.
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