You're Not Weird For Feeling Sad Post-Situationship

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

When I was 19, I began sleeping with a regular at the cafe I waitressed at. We were friends first, flirting over flat whites and eggs on toast. But then, it progressed into something… more. A situationship. Or, as we used to call it back then, friends with benefits.

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Like every 19-year-old on planet Earth, I was trying to figure myself out and was obsessed with being a Cool Girl.

“Cool Girls are above all hot,” read Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl novel released a few years prior. “Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

While on the surface I was chill about our arrangement, after a few trysts I (inevitably) began to develop feelings for him.

This happened slowly over the summer we were seeing each other. The lines began to blur when he whisked me away for a weekend down the coast.

While I was happy to keep things at a friendship level (when out of the bedroom), a quiet kiss on the forehead as we waited for our takeaway dinner caused me to question my feelings for him.

By the next weekend, I was crying down the phone to my best friend wondering why he was being distant and coming to the (very obvious) realisation that I’d developed feelings for him. Feelings deeper than the excitement of sneaking around his office after a few cocktails and losing an earring in the couch cushions.

He must’ve sensed it as well because the next time we caught up he suggested we call “whatever we were” off.

While it wasn’t a can’t-leave-your-bed-for-two-weeks heartbreak, I felt like I’d been through an emotional whirlwind and this fun summer secret ended up feeling heavy. So, why can situationships be just as devastating as a relationship break-up? There are two main reasons.

You’re bonded

No matter how hard you try to be the Cool Girl and not care about being in a monogamous relationship, sex can socially and emotionally bond you to another person.

This is because oxytocin (or, the love hormone) is released in the brain during hugs and orgasms. Dopamine (the reward hormone) is also released during orgasm which gives us feelings of pleasure, desire and motivation.

Essentially, your mammalian brain is being served a cocktail of feel-good hormones no matter who you’re doing the deed with, causing you – the patron at the bar – to want more of it.

Orgasms aside, situationships also give you a new person to welcome into your trusted circle. Although you may not be in a monogamous partnership, you can end up relying on this person for validation, comfort, or to have someone to chat through your day with.

This was the case for Lachlan Wilson.

“Over one summer, I had a situationship with a guy who was visiting from France. I was in my Samantha Jones era and he was here simply to see family and head home. We bonded over the most minuscule things and they slowly became ‘our things’,” says Wilson.

“Looking back, no cards were laid out and nothing was ever mentioned about ‘what we were’, which I regret to this day. I wasn’t heartbroken that he had to leave, I was heartbroken because it always took a lot for me to be vulnerable and I was left in the dust without any closure.”

Even if you know things are transient and temporary, it seems natural to mourn the hole that a human leaves in your life after the fling has run its course.

Lost potential

While some people may want their friends with benefits or situationship to be strictly casual, sometimes one person can hope to become more than friends.

For others, a situationship can be a painful reminder of what could have been. Jane Beech experienced this when her four-month situationship fizzled out.

“I met a guy on a dating app last year. At the time, I had problems at home that required me to travel back and forth from my home country to Melbourne, so we spent more time apart than together,” says Beech.

“While we were already doing couple activities when we [were] together, being apart for so long allowed us both to think seriously about whether or not we wanted to pursue the situationship further.”

“I think it’s totally valid to be heartbroken over a situationship because at the end of the day you’re still experiencing a sense of loss. I’d argue that for some people it may be even more heartbreaking than an actual relationship because you’re left thinking of everything that it could have been.”

While dating apps may promote a culture of disposable partners, it’s totally valid to feel a sense of loss or heartbreak over a situationship.

Yes, it may be a bit of fun and games but don’t forget that just because you don’t have an exclusive label, it doesn’t mean you should ignore another human’s feelings and needs (or your own).

Relationships, (even situationships) are fragile and people deserve to know where they stand; both in bed and out of it.