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Canada’s media is salivating for a Trump.
We’re dying for it. Our bodies are ready. Bring us our Daddy, we need it, we need it so, so bad.
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It’s not surprising, the marauding cheeto that is America’s president-elect has been a ratings and viewership bonanza for our friends down south. We saw that and have been searching for our very own lil’ xenophobic demagogue ever since. Canadian media is in dire straits, viewership is down, people aren’t buying papers, and activist organizations masquerading as media have moved in.
There are two obvious candidates for the now-necessary role of the Canadian Donald Trump who revives a stagnant conservative party made up of elites. In the beginning, we had Dr. Kellie Leitch, a Conservative insider who wanted you to believe she was actually the ultimate outsider. Many fell for her Trumpian charms.
Then, by the grace of Saint Ayn Rand, we got Kevin O’Leary, who dipped his toe in the leadership race recently and called Trudeau a “surfer dude”—which is a pretty solid burn if you live in Alberta.
Read More: K-Money Is Here to Make Canadian Politics Great Again for Fuck’s Sake
So with all that in mind, I decided to rank Canada’s prospective Trumps in order of most Trumpiness. Here are the five scientific categories I’ll be ranking them by:
Believability
Most photos eating fast food
Dumb things said by mouth
Actual terrifying threat to humanity and dignity
“Fuck you” money
Believability
We’re starting off easy here. Since one of the people running is an honest to goodness rich person that doesn’t seem to give a fuck—not a single one—and has made his name being a total dick on a reality show. The other is a red Tory wearing the skin of a drunk libertarian she found and smothered under a bridge (the skin doesn’t even fit that well.)
This one goes to O’Leary. Edgar the alien gets no points.
O’Leary:
Leitch:
Most Photos Eating Fast Food
THIS IS WHAT A LEADER DOES!
For the life of me (the twenty minutes I spent looking, I HAVE A DEADLINE PEOPLE) I couldn’t find photos of either of these people eating fast food, which, as we know, has been a staple of Trump. So, no points are awarded in this round and may god have mercy on Mr. O’Leary and Ms. Leitch’s souls as this is a critical oversight for both of them.
I hope this haunts the two of you. Try harder. [Editor’s note: This is what actual campaign trails are for, watching politicians eat some town’s “WORLD FAMOUS burger.”]
Both candidates:
Dumb Things Said By Mouth
Ok, fuck… we’re going to have to condense this round, bear with me folks. While Leitch has been making a Canada-wide dumb things tour, O’Leary has been in our collective consciousness for a much longer period of time. Leitch has been making not at all subtle dog-whistle statements for some time now. She spends her days spouting off articulate versions of what your drunk uncle spews seconds before he calls your grandma a ‘bitch’ and spills the gravy all over your Aunt Jennie. Her crowning achievement thus far is probably saying “the people the CBC calls the ‘comment section’ need to be heard.” [They do not.]
However, O’Leary has been on the record saying “You got to pay Daddy… I need dough and I need dough every month. You got to pay Daddy number one,” which is unequivocally an amazing thing for a human with a functioning brain to say.
O’Leary takes this round, but only slightly.
O’Leary:
Leitch:
Actual Terrifying Threat to Humanity and Dignity
Ok, now that we ranked statements for their pure, sweet, tasty dumbness we need to rank which one of those pose a threat to humanity and our collective dignity. While O’Leary won that last round because what he said was kind of beautiful in its stupidity, it wasn’t hurting anyone but his children. Leitch however, even though she comes off as one of the most disingenuous politicians in recent memory (and that’s saying a lot, LOOKING AT YOU TRUDEAU), has a select few people gobbling up her dumb, dumb, dumb message.
So, while O’Leary has said some terrifically stupid things about the economy and what not, Leitch is actively stirring up resentment against the other with her xenophobic “Canadian Values” bullshit. In terms of threat to humanity Leitch runs away with this.
But my fair readers, don’t forget, this round includes dignity as well. O’Leary has taken a picture of his head coming out of a toilet and got slobber-knockered on an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy, so he gets a couple points here as well.
Well done folks, you’re both winners here.
Leitch:
O’Leary:
“Fuck You” Money
Is this even a question?
O’Leary has an [alleged] net worth of $300 million, which while not Trump level, is still a ton of cashola. Leitch, a surgeon and politician, certainly has a ton more money than the regular Canadian but nowhere in the ballpark of O’Leary. So while both are among Canada’s elites, O’Leary is certainly the more, uh… elitier.
O’Leary:
Leitch:
Final Verdict:
O’Leary 16; Leitch 10
So, we have a solid winner here, Mr. Wonderful is Canada’s most Trumpiest Trump! While Leitch had a massive edge over O’Leary in terms of xenophobia she just couldn’t topple the personality that is O’Leary.
Congratulations on your win, bud. And Ms. Leitch, if you’re reading this, don’t be too sad about your loss, because if you look at it real close it’s clear to see that, really, all of Canada is the loser here.
Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter.
