As I write my very first sentence of this article, my Spidey Sense is already tingling that I’ll be receiving hate mail from vengeful New Yorkers who, for some reason, think they need to track down my email address and send me a four-paragraph message about the superiority of the circular bread products in their region over all others. First of all, I lived in New York for five years, and you can sleep at night knowing that I ate a veritable fuckload of bagels during that time. Trust me; I know what good bagels taste like.
Alright, on to the Pagels.
When I was working in the Brooklyn VICE office, in pre-COVID times, every Friday was Bagel Friday, and what a delight it was to cruise into the office, grab a bready delight (I’m partial to egg everything bagels) toast it, crown it with a generous layer of schmear, and start my day by sinking my teeth into the perfect synthesis of crunchy-chewy-creamy. Unfortunately, I started noticing over time that like clockwork, a couple of hours after consuming a bagel, I would be literally falling asleep at my desk. I can tolerate most glutinous things without issue, but something about the particularly dense constitution of New York bagels was utterly fatiguing. Tragically, I had to stop eating bagels unless I could fully recover for the rest of the afternoon. Eventually, I learned that eating a single New York bagel is the equivalent of eating a quarter to a half a loaf of bread, which is, frankly, psychotic—like that meme about how you might not eat six string cheeses in one sitting, but for some reason, when deep-fried and served with marinara sauce as “mozzarella sticks”, you suddenly wouldn’t think twice about it. I’m just not sure that I want to start my day by eating the equivalent of six slices of Wonderbread. I need to save those calories for my true passions in life: dirty martinis and elaborate boba drinks.
Then, I moved to LA, where good bagels are few and far between (please also do not DM me about Courage Bagels; I’m aware of it), and anyway, these days, I’m pretty indoctrinated into the whole eating-nutritious-food-regularly thing (@3 a.m. pizza… I miss u bb), because it turns out that you actually do feel better if you expand your personal food pyramid to include more than just jalapeño margaritas and bodega sandwiches. If you don’t live within a 15-minute drive of an Erewhon, the truly iconic “heavenly” “fancy grocery store where all the celebs go,” you can shop for natural foods and healthy snacks online at stores such as Thrive Market and Bubble Goods. I’ve scooped some amazing stuff from Bubble, including Hella chocolate-hazelnut spread and The Flavor Society’s pizza chile crunch, but one of my recent hauls from the site included a paleo bagel substitute called Pagels.Never before have I been so curious about how an extremely un-paleo item (bagels) could be made paleo (gluten-free, grain-free, and suitable for hot cavemen). Here’s my honest review.
Pagels are pretty popular; they’re one of the best-selling products on Bubble Goods, and have picked up some steam on Amazon as well. A little background on the Pagel: For those who forget the “rules” of paleo, the term refers to a diet free of grains, sugar, most dairy, oils, additives, preservatives, and heavy processing, that focuses on meat, fruits and veggies, and nuts and seeds, thought to be the diet of our Paleolithic ancestors. The Pagel is produced by a brand called Bedrock Bakers, which “CrossFit enthusiast” Steven Friedman founded after discovering the versatility of cassava flour while on a wellness retreat in St. Lucia (relatable!). Also, just as a fun fact, Friedman’s son Maxwell Jacob Friedman is a rising wrestling star.
Everything Pagels (2-Pack, 8 Pagels) (opens in a new window)
Cassava is a root vegetable, and it’s dried and ground to produce the flour that is the base of Pagels, and has a high resistant starch content that makes it potentially beneficial for weight loss and gut health. The other ingredients in Pagels (depending on the flavor) include almond flour, potato starch, tapioca starch, yeast, salt, and honey.
I went with the Everything flavor, as any self-respecting bagel enthusiast would. My first impression was that they’re quite dense, and certainly not as bouncy as a traditional bagel—but, the distribution of everything seasoning was good, the size was about right, and I tried to remain optimistic that with the right preparation and toppings, the Pagel might pleasantly surprise me. The package strongly recommends toasting your Pagel, but I do not own a toaster, so I implemented my usual workaround: heating butter up in a hot pan and lightly pressing my carb of choice face-down until it browns and caramelizes. Once toasted, I found that visually, the Pagel actually served as a very reasonable facsimile to a New Yorky baby.
Next up—cream cheese. Sadly, my fridge was bereft of real schmear, but I do always have Trader Joe’s Everything but the Bagel Dip on hand, and I highly recommend it as a substitute. It’s made with Greek yogurt and has a pretty thick consistency, so while it’s certainly not the fluffy cream cheese you’d want on a top-tier ultimately authentic bagel, it offers the creamy, tangy coolness that balances the whole thing. Is it paleo? I have no idea.
At this point, I tried the Pagel before adding lox. Friends, there is crunch. There is chew. Again, there is a density difference wherein the Pagel is significantly more cakey or biscuity than its Jewish brethren. But for being paleo, it’s not half bad.
After layering on the lox, I can confidently say that the Pagel gets the job done. Is it the same as a “real” bagel? Obviously not. But what you’ve got to realize about bagels is that untoasted and without toppings, bagels are really not all that exciting. It’s the complete package that makes them so utterly cravable, and most of that can be successfully slapped onto a Pagel.
To be clear, Pagels are for those of us who have reasons why we cannot or do not wish to partake in a standard, supremely nosh-worthy and delicious bagel. Who should buy Pagels? Those who are low-carb, health-conscious, or calorie-conscious; a standard New York bagel can run between 320 and 800 calories before you even add spreads, plus 72 grams of carbs. Pagels top out at 260 to 300 calories, and 70% of the ingredients pass directly through the stomach (and are therefore undigested). Pagels are also a strong choice for our gluten-free friends, because if there’s a better gluten-free bagel out there, I have yet to encounter it (and in LA, you encounter lots of gluten-free baked goods of varying quality). They’re pretty on-par with a packaged bagel from a grocery store, Thomas’ or whatever; they do the job!
Sesame Pagels (2-Pack, 8 Pagels) (opens in a new window)
If you’re looking for a super-classic, more decadent bagel, these might not be for you—but I’d still recommend trying them at least once, with a pile of schmear and lox, just to figure out how much you’re in it for the bagel and how much you’re in it for the cheese and smoked fish. Huzzah.
Pagels are available at Bubble Goods, Amazon, and Instacart.
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