Are You Getting Any? We’re Just Too Tired to Have Sex

Nina, 20 & Valeria, 23
Together for a year.

Quality of sex overall: 9/10
Frequency of sex: 3/10
Intimacy levels: 10/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 10/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 2/10

VICE: Hi Nina and Valeria, let’s talk about those low scores for frequency and amount of time.
Nina: Well, she goes to school and has two jobs, and I’m doing my Bachelor’s full time. With our schedules, it’s so difficult to find any time where we’re not completely dead from all the work and school. We might see each other and work on our projects together, but we don’t actually have time to do anything apart from our schedules.

Do you think that’s something that will change soon? 
Nina: Yeah, I do think it’s gonna change once [Valeria starts] her Bachelor’s degree. She’s doing a pre-course now, which you can’t get a loan for and that’s why she’s working this much. We’ll see each other [during] vacations.

The British Medical Journal research says that our generation is having less sex than generations before. Social media was mentioned as one factor, but would you say it’s more about the pressures of finding a work/life balance?
Valeria: I think it very much depends on your social status. We’re also both in the creative fields and with art students, studying doesn’t end after the class. It depends on what you do but I take a lot of time on my projects. My friends who study law or economics they have their classes and they’re free [in the evening] up until when they have their exams. I feel like I’m working the whole night — sorry, I’m going to tell my roommates to turn down the music…

No problem! Do you live together? 
Nina: No, that’s also another reason that time is limited. If we lived together, we would be sleeping together more. But I also don’t feel comfortable having sex when my roommate is home. If [Valeria] sleeps at mine and my roommate is also there, the chances [of us having sex] are very slim. I basically only know Valeria because of my roommate, as they worked together, so I feel like that also plays a part.
Valeria: It’s more about privacy for me. I don’t necessarily want anyone to hear me. But my house is way bigger than hers. At hers the walls are very thin, too.

You were talking about studying the creative arts taking up a lot of the time you’d have for yourselves. How different do you think your sex life would be if you had more structure?
Valeria: Yeah, I mean, obviously, it is way easier when you have a structured schedule and you know exactly when you’ll have time. For example, you would finish work at 5PM, go home, eat, take a shower, watch TV and before bed, I’m going to have sex. It takes out the spontaneity and the fun. It’s going to get boring. I think previous generations had this way more and a lot of the time, that’s when the excitement goes.

So it’s more important to have exciting sex as opposed to just like having sex for the sake of it?
Valeria: Definitely. I’m the type of person that prefers quality over quantity. I’m not that driven by my instincts, so I don’t necessarily mind the fact that I might not have sex for like, two weeks straight. This wouldn’t affect our relationship because I still have the same emotional bond and connection to [Nina], and I know that there is going to be a point that sex is going to happen.

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Is not having sex for a few weeks completely OK with you too, Nina?
Nina: It does feel like a long time but mostly because of school, social norms and my friends. I think in the art scene, it’s really open – everyone has all these sex stories. I hear them from my friends and I may feel like ‘Oh why am I not having that much sex?’ but I don’t actually need to have that much sex. I could easily go a year without having sex with someone. I can rarely ever come if I’m not just by myself. So I don’t think I could not masturbate for, like more than a month though.

Have you always struggled to reach orgasm with other people?
Nina: Yeah, but I mean I do really love having sex. I think the thing that turns me on the most is like making someone else come and the gratification afterwards. I had a great time and I don’t necessarily need to come, because it’s just super hard. Valeria is like the only person that made me after a lot of trying. I think I just take so much time to get comfortable.

Was it a long period of trying? How did you feel about it, Valeria?
Valeria: In the beginning it did bother me and it was a goal to accomplish it. But I don’t think that was the right approach. We ended up saying, ‘OK at some point, it’s gonna happen’. Now I feel like it’s not a primary concern. More because – I think on my part – I could be doing more, but then again, because I am so tired constantly. Stress also plays like a huge, huge part. When you’re stressed, like, honestly, this is like the last thing that is on your mind. It does require a lot of – I don’t want to say work – but a lot of trying out different stuff.

Is sex important in your relationship?
Nina: Personally, I do think it’s quite important and that the more often you have sex, the more connected you feel. There are periods where we don’t really have that much sex. My roommate is going away, so next week when it’s just us in my apartment, it’s definitely at the top of the list that we need to have a lot of sex. So the frequency [of sex] is not important but it needs to happen to stay connected.
Valeria: I agree that when [sex] does happen, then the problems in our relationship tend to get resolved. But I think my sexual drive is a bit on the lower side. When we have sex, Nina almost always initiates, which is totally fine and I prefer it that way. If she brings it up, I’ll usually go with it. But if I try and she’s not in the mood, she will turn me down.

Has that always been your sexual dynamic?
Valeria: I think Nina is the more dominant one and it works. But there are very specific points where you can catch her in the mood. But she’s quite moody – 
Nina: I’m not moody.
Valeria: Like in [the sense that] when you don’t want to have sex, you just really don’t –
Nina: I think that has a lot to do with having OCD. Even when I was like a teen, [sex and masturbation] was almost like this sacred thing. I would always have to prepare and be in the right headspace. If someone tries just out of nowhere and I’m not thinking about sex, then very rarely can I can get my brain to do it. It’s also with hygiene, I have a structure, like when I shower. I would always want to shower first and then have sex. Not having a shower before having sex would never happen.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

If you’re 18-30 years old and want to be featured in the Are You Getting Any? series, send an email to nana.baah@vice.com with the subject “Are You Getting Any?”.

@nanasbaah / @darinacreative