Last night I attended the 15 year anniversary of something called Television X, (or as I like to call it, “HOLY SHIT am I ever glad that I’m gay!”). I learned a lot. For instance, did you know that porn channels still exist? I’m not sure what their market is. I guess it’s that extremely lucrative “people who have money to spend on porn but have never heard of the internet” demographic.
Also, did you know that porn stars have die-hard fans? These guys were waiting out in the rain for the ladiez to arrive, and each time one did they would hand them an 8 x 10 glossy of their vagina for them to sign. Awkward!
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Inside the party, they had these huge screens playing some of Television X’s highlights. I had no idea straight porn was so weird and creative. Some of the stuff was so out there that it made me feel like a new-born deaf baby in Japan.
Seriously! Look at this stuff! These guys are in the wrong industry, they could make a KILLING in advertising.
At one point an old lady came out and started mopping the stage. There was something totally ‘not right’ about her, but I couldn’t figure out what it was…
Ohhhhhhhhhhh
! It’s that!
contestants.
This is the most elaborate self-harm I have ever seen.
Seriously, what happened in this guy’s past to make him hate himself that much?
Speaking of tattoos, this almost made me cry.
MUM! What are you doing here!?
Welcum 2 ur fantasy.
This guy was also on
Big Brother
. I know this because he was telling anyone that would listen that “Samanda” had given him the necklace he was wearing. I guess if you wanna look that sharp, you’ve got to be willing to pay the price.
At one point Wesley Snipes’ character from
To Wong Foo
stopped by to wish Television X a happy birthday. Which was nice. Welcum back 2 ur fantasy.
At midnight, they brought out a big birthday cake. I was excited to have a piece but…
OHMYGOD IT’S NOT REALLY A CAKE IT’S A STRIPPER. After this, I had to go outside for a breather. It was massively unnerving being in an environment where any object could potentially turn in to a stripper.
And this is where my evening took a turn for the worse. Because I’m scared of getting sued, I feel I should tell you that, even though this was something that I was directly involved in, no-one is guilty of anything until it has been proven. That said: Once outside, a friend of mine (allegedly) took a photo of me and the (alleged) albino Big Brother guy, (who I’ve just googled and can confirm is called Darnell [allegedly]) on his phone. Then out of nowhere Darnell (allegedly) called us “niggers” (which was weird, because we’re both white), then (allegedly) snatched my friend’s phone and ran back inside the club. (According to one witness,) I went in after him and asked for it back, at which point he (reportedly) found a security guard and told them that I was some crazed fan who wouldn’t leave him alone (which is only partly true), it was the weirdest thing that anyone has ever done to me. I thought I was being pranked by a celeb-pranking show with an extremely small budget. After that, I’m not sure what happened. There was a lot of shouting and a lot of name calling. Eventually the police came and took statements, and now I shall SEE HIM IN COURT. I’ll let you know how that goes.
