I Put Butterscotch Lube on Dicks (and Ice Cream)

Listen, giving head can be a very umami experience. If your partner is hydrated, eats well, and blessed by the chemical powers that be, some real tasty alchemy can go down that makes you feel like you’re slopping down dicks and savory crêpes—sorry, galettes—during sex. There’s just no better flavor profile than that of pheromones, warm sweat, and Santal 33; all the better if it’s garnished with a little acidity from a situationship’s rusty Citi Bike. 

That’s why I’ve never been big on flavored lubes. “Ma Nature’s ambrosia has served me well enough,” I would write back to merchants (PR people) slinging their Willy Wonka-ass sundries (strawberry lubes and candy bras). Not to drag those with a sweet coochie tooth (do you!), but it just wasn’t my jam. Nothing yucks my yum more than overly-perfumed, powerfully-scented, cheap lube. Still, I dreamt of a lube designed for horny, savory snackers. When would someone understand that my partner’s ass should taste like a chocolate chip cookie with Maldon Salt?

Luckily, good things come to those who wait, and gooder things come to those who accept samples of butterscotch lube. The latest addition to GOAT-ed lubrication brand Wicked Sensual Care, this butterscotch-flavored, water-based lube was dangled in front of me with the promise of “melt[ing] in your mouth like candy” and maybe, just maybe becoming my new condom-ment (sorry Mom; sorry god) of choice for dicks, coochies, and ice cream alike. 

Tie your bibs tight, kings, and let’s talk lube specs.   

A few weeks ago, this Food Disgust Test made the rounds in the VICE office. It gauges how open-minded test takers are about sharing food, various food textures, tastes, and smells. Unfortunately, it reiterated that while I’m down to try almost anything, my gag reflex does not quit. This is tragic news for any aspiring deepthroat queen. “Maybe,” I thought, “this butterscotch lube could cure me.” 

I explained some version of this to my friends while digging around for the lube in my bag, which brings me to the first plus (and minus) of the lube: The black color of the bottle is a little hard to find in a bag, but it is compact enough to toss into your slutty everyday carry bag with ease. There’s also an easy locking function on the bottle—just twist it to the right—so that it won’t sploosh all over your wallet and copy of Polish for Beginners.

In hindsight, I should have done an Iron Chef secret ingredient-style reveal of the lube with my sexual partner. Still, the lube delivered on its novelty factor, and paired really well with both 1) the sediment-heavy natural wine that we were drinking and 2) the natural musk of his dick and balls. “It’s kind of sticky,” he said, while I garnished his penis ants-on-a-log style with the lube. He wasn’t wrong, but the slight stickiness is also what ended up being half the fun; if you’re using flavored lube, you want to be able to Tootsie Pop-slobber all over it without having to reapply every two seconds. 

Hats off to the butterscotch flavor, Wicked Sensual Care. I braced myself for something über sweet, like a Werther’s Original, but y’all treated me to a lube that delivered all the salty-sweet goodness of salted butter caramels from the Brittany region of France. Not only did it help reduce my gag reflex, but it turned ball gargling into an experience that rivals some of my favorite dessert menus.  

Next, I decided to drizzle the lube on some ice cream. I chose vanilla bean by McConnell’s Fine Ice Creams—a Santa Barbara, California classic—and was pretty floored by how much it tastes like actual butterscotch topping. Granted, this is a water-based lube, so it didn’t pack the same thickness as legit butterscotch, but it tasted the same to me even if it was clear instead of amber. And maybe that’s a me problem, or a fact that could open up a dialogue about artificial food flavoring, production, and consumption in America, but I’m so tired. Also, I’m horny, and that’s a form of resistance under capitalism all on its own, right? 

It’s a little sticky. But, again, this is a foreplay- and blowjob-centric lube. I tried it on one of my favorite phallic rabbit vibrators by the (surprisingly amazing) Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy line, and it worked like lube is indeed designed to work, but this nectar really shines during fellatio. Let it. 

Nothing yucks my yum more than powerfully-scented lubes, but this butterscotch goodness is different. If you’re the kind of person who says things like, “I just really would rather eat some babaganoush over a Snickers bar,” and wants to tame their gag reflex, this stuff comes in clutch. Not only is the flavor profile surprisingly Michelin Star-worthy, hitting the perfect note between sweet and salty, but it turned ball gargling into an umami aebleskiver experience. Whether it’s moonlighting as an ice cream topping or getting drizzled on your lover’s nethers, it’s a pantry staple.  

Purchase Butterscotch Lube at Wicked Sensual Care and Walmart.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.