“Isn’t that a contradiction!?” a friend who identifies as an introvert exclaimed when I told her that I was working on a guide to help introverts navigate parties this holiday season. “The idea that there are introverts out there who would like to party gives me the willies.”
Understandably, for many introverts, the thought of partying is triggering in more ways than one, translating to sweaty palms, awkward conversations replete with fillers and dead ends, and one eye glued to the exit. It doesn’t help that we live in a world designed for extroverts. During the COVID-19 lockdowns, however, it momentarily seemed like the world order had been reversed, and that extroverts might finally understand what it was like being on the other side.
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But it’s 2022 – almost 2023 – and the world order seems to be restored to normal, or whatever “normal” might mean to us now. What does it mean to be an introvert, though? At a time when cultural gatekeeping around words and their meanings has never been more intense, this seems a pertinent question.
According to New York-based clinical psychologist Anjali Gowda Ferguson, “introversion” as a term developed in the early 1900s to describe individuals who are quiet, reflective, and more focused on their internal worlds.
“Psychological science has also documented some differences in brain chemistry between introverts and extroverts. Extroversion is identified with more risk-taking behaviours and seeking of stimuli,” she told VICE. “Some social scientists argue that it is impossible for [anyone] to be entirely introverted or extroverted, and that we all have varying degrees of [introversion and extroversion.]”
She explained that if one were to apply the trait-environment relationship, there is a suggestion in psychology that a person’s inclination towards introversion and extroversion is influenced by the environment they were brought up in. There’s also the gene-environment interaction in which a person’s inherited personality traits will determine how they respond in a particular environment.
So, for example, a person who identifies as an introvert might prefer to work on their own and need time making decisions in a large work setting, but that same person can be more outgoing and open to risk-taking in smaller, more familiar environments like a get-together at a family member’s house. The same applies to extroverts, too, who may not behave in “extroverted” ways in all settings. In this sense, introversion and extroversion are both person and environment-dependent, Ferguson said.
So, for introverts who might find themselves in a situation where they have to party (and don’t want to feel miserable about it) or who are just “party-curious,” we spoke to mental health experts for their spin as also legit introverts who seem to have cracked the cheat sheet through a process that can only be described as trial and error. Here’s how to survive and maybe even thrive mingling with fellow humans celebrating the last few days of the year:
1. Identify your willingness to party
Do you really want to party or is your decision to put yourself out there influenced by extroverted friends pushing you too hard to do things that you don’t want to in the first place? Psychologist Utkarsha Jagga said that it is crucial for an introvert to first understand if they are willing to (happily!) take the party plunge. So, how does an introvert identify that their decision is solely theirs and not an attempt to please the people around them? “The litmus test is that you should feel comfortable at every stage before the party – from the time of receiving the invitation to [readying to] book a cab,” she said. “If you [find that] you are having to constantly convince yourself [to do things] and spiralling, then it’s not going to work.”
2. Hold no expectations
According to Anannya Sarkar, a 27-year-old journalist, things can get taxing when an introvert walks into a party expecting everything to work out well. Because that’s not how parties work. There will always be a surprise conversation to handle or an awkward situation to navigate that no one could have anticipated.
“I go with an open mind, knowing that I have the option of leaving any time I want,” said Sarkar. “If I’m talking to someone about a topic I’m comfortable with, like football, then that’s amazing. But if the conversation shifts to politics and there are strong disagreements, I can simply excuse myself and move on without being chained to a thought or a person.”
3. Choose your corner
For introverts, the idea of jumping onto a dance floor can be intimidating. For 29-year-old writer Arshia Dhar, the idea of dancing is plain scary. And yet, it’s important to her that she doesn’t completely cut herself off from the overall vibe at a party.
“Even though I’m a formally trained dancer, I know that I cannot dance at a party because of my introversion,” said Dhar, who prefers to attend large social gatherings accompanied by a friend, so that she isn’t alone. “I usually pick a corner where I can grab a drink and just simply be.”
Jagga added that it’s important to ensure that the “corner” is not a place that has the potential to overstimulate, as that may cause panic. An introvert might need to retreat to that space from time to time so that they can recover from the noise and heightened energy. “The corner can just be a space near the bar area or across the dance floor,” Jagga suggested, adding, “You should also tell your friends where you are, so that they are not worried and know where to find you.”
4. Have an exit strategy
One of the biggest anxieties that 33-year-old software engineer Arjun Singh faces when he attends a party is not knowing how things will develop over the course of the night.
“As an introvert, I can’t leave things to fate, so I hate random plans that have no structure,” he said. “I cannot thrive in unpredictability and I’ve seen that this is the case with a lot of my introverted friends, too.”
To cope better with the anxiety of not knowing how things might pan out, experts recommend having your entry-and-exit plan down to the tee. Who are you going with, what mode of transportation are you taking, how long are you going to be there, and who are you going to leave with? Jagga said that it helps to have answers to these questions, so that you don’t feel you’ve been put in a spot.
“Before attending the party, have a plan to leave,” said Ferguson. “This may involve setting a curfew for yourself or [having] a strategy that you’ve developed with a friend. Pay attention to your internal cues and limits on socialising and [rid yourself of] the guilt you may feel when deciding to leave the party early.”
5. Tag along with an extrovert
During my own introverted phase in my early college days (while introversion was largely a “phase” for me, experts suggest that it is more a personality trait), tagging along with an extrovert was tremendously beneficial for me. An extrovert knows their way around a party, including where to get the best drinks and the places with the best music and crowd, and can also steer you away from draining conversations and dreary souls.
Your extroverted friend needs to be sensitive and attuned to your introversion, too — from being aware of your triggers, knowing a little bit about your past, and how to put you at ease. But it’s important not to burden your friend with the responsibility of babysitting you and for you not to act like they have to cart you along like a newborn in a stroller. Ideally, their role should involve helping only when things seem like they are likely to spiral out of control.
6. Stay hydrated
This might seem like an obvious tip, but we’ve all been guilty of not drinking enough water, especially while partying. For an introvert, it’s even more critical to stay hydrated as a parched throat is the last thing an introvert needs when faced with having to make conversation while random strangers sway their hips to dance music. As Jagga advised, “You want to stay hydrated when you know that there could be alcohol and substances involved. It helps you stay grounded.”
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