I Tried to Break All My New Year’s Resolutions in a Week

It's January, which means one thing: We get to start our lives all over again! New year, new us! No more bad habits, only good ones. No more sitting in front of Love Actually with a third mince pie and some cheese. Just dewy skin, overflowing bank accounts and a renewed lust for life. 

At least, that's how January is supposed to go. In reality, the expectations we set for ourselves in the new year can sometimes feel more stressful than beneficial. Maybe “learning a new hobby” sounded fun in the moment, but who wants to spend another night crocheting trousers for someone's baby? That's what Primark is for. And why do you have to suddenly “go to the gym”? What is everyone preparing for? This isn't Hunger Games. 

With that in mind, I decided to test out a theory. If sticking to New Years' resolutions is stressful, what about purposefully breaking them? Or, more than that, turning them into “anti-resolutions.” Would I feel better or inevitably worse? Is there any real point to resolutions, or do we just set ourselves up for guilt and failure?

There was only one way to find out. I tried to break all the most standard New Years' resolutions in a week. 

This is pretty much every non-sober person’s New Years' resolution because December is essentially 31 days of socially accepted alcoholism. Come January everyone emerges – pale, pasty, ballooning in the face – and tells themselves that they never want to see another gin and tonic again. 

Not me! Instead of drinking less, I decided to drink more! As you can imagine, this was very easy. I had a few friends over, listened to five or six Rihanna albums in a row and enjoyed a stream of Desperados before transitioning to Jack Daniels. By the time it was midnight, I was freestyling into a mic and telling everyone I wanted to join a band. I had a great time, honestly. 

Nothing prepared me for the hangover that followed. I’m not in my early 20s anymore and was therefore rendered completely useless for the entire day, and honestly some of the next day too. At one point, around 1PM, when I was trying to “edit a piece”, I actually nearly cried. During our weekly pitch meeting, I was surprised my colleagues didn’t think I was dead.

You know what's annoying about food? The fact that unhealthy food tastes good and healthy food tastes bad. What's that all about? How is it that a delicious cheeseburger makes you feel like shit, yet eating rocket is like chewing down on bitter grass?

Anyway, everyone tries to eat healthier in January after eating so much weird shit, like pork wrapped in even more pork. Not me! I decided to eat much worse than usual. Lunch was a packet of Lunchables with a side of Dairylea dunkers, washed down with Sprite (not pictured). I don't know if this even counts as food, but I enjoyed eating like a six-year-old in the playground. 

For dinner I had a plate of potato wedges and hot sauce. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t relish every single moment – especially with my hangover – but I wouldn’t choose this as a lifestyle choice because I don’t want to develop scurvy.

What better way to erase the effects of drinking and junk food than some good solid exercising? Not for me! Instead of exercising more, I decided to exercise less and less throughout the week. As you can imagine this wasn't difficult. I just laid down on the sofa and didn’t move. Feel free to try this at home.

I did start feeling a little restless and sluggish after a while. Even going to the shops and getting some fresh air gives you a bit of energy, and I was getting zero.

Relaxing? Good. Purposefully not moving for hours on end? A one-way ticket to depression.

Right this very moment, there are people doing coding courses or learning Japanese for the very first time – and good for them! Nothing like a new skill to make you feel like an accomplished human being with a brain. 

The opposite of learning something new is, of course, doing something old. Which is to say that I spent approximately seven to eight hours watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, even though I've seen them all before. You know what though, there’s nothing like watching RHOBH when you already know what’s about to come out of their mouths (“You’re a pig! You’re a slut pig!”).

New hobbies are overrated when we have old ones.

Hmmm, yes I could make some new friends this week, or I could just stare out the window at the rain, alone and in silence. I decided to plump for the latter. I have enough friends anyway (six or seven, at a push?). If I made another one, I’d have to relegate someone to “acquaintance” and I don’t think I’m ready to do that. Besides, I like spending time alone. This anti-resolution wasn’t particularly hard for me.

In fact, I have to say, none of this was very hard. And once the whole week was through, I had the distinct feeling of accomplishing nothing. I thought I’d feel good having “stuck my middle finger up” to “the Man” by breaking all these New Year’s resolutions like a craaazy rebel, but instead I just felt tired and bored and a little understimulated.

I’m not saying that resolutions are good and everyone needs to become shiny polished versions of themselves. Fuck that! But a little bit of looking to the future, in the hopes of positive change, can be nice.

That said, this week wasn’t the worst thing to happen to me. I’ve always wanted to eat Lunchables for actual lunch. And my favourite thing on this earth is to relax. So listen: just because it’s January doesn’t mean you have to immediately pick up the dumbells and start working out like the Incredible Hulk. Why not watch a bit of Housewives. Crack open a can. It’s your 2022.

@daisythejones