After a certain age, birthdays are no longer the joyous, celebratory occasions they once were. Eventually, I guess, we all discover that our birthdays have morphed somehow from a date we actively anticipate—strain toward, even—into just another boring old Friday. Sunrise, sunset, I write a different number on forms now; oh well.
(Much later, of course, the birthday devolves yet again into a mercilessly grim checkpoint, an all-too frequent reminder of one’s mortality, and a bear trap of despair. But that’s generally well after fantasy sports lose their appeal, and so I shan’t be discussing it.)
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That’s all to say that the day on which I write this is my birthday, and while I am likely not, as you read this, tearing open a ream of presents in front of my rapt audience or blowing out 27 candles as the chorus drones on, I am actually fine with acknowledging that I have gotten incrementally older today. I swear! I am at peace with my body, which is basically disintegrating before my eyes, and also with my mind, which is more and more resembling a not particularly well-maintained Compaq Presario. It is, a wise man once said, what it is.
Rather, I’m taking today at face value: as a time to reflect on the past year of hirings and firings, failures and successes, ice creams eaten and earned, and to peer anxiously at the next 12 months, wondering what they will bring. God willing, it’s more ice cream, because I love the stuff.
Daily Fantasy Sports
Just one team in the NFL is technically eliminated from playoff contention at this juncture, but we are all adults, here. Realistically, if any Titans or Ravens players spill champagne on their Jerseys this February, it will simply be because they felt like toasting laundry day. By the same token, if you had planned on greeting the 49ers’ team plane at the airport at the end of their season, don’t bother; they play at home in Week 17.
There are more than a handful of these sorts of teams who either are or should be packing it in for the season, the better to rest and ice and watch videotape of themselves losing football games and making mistakes. Unfortunately, taking that step requires a few things most clubs don’t have: intuition, perspective, chutzpah, a beer gut, a nice beard, maybe three good pairs of shoes, a poorly behaved dog and his friend the idiot, a mortgage, more books than you’d think but not enough to be impressive, and actually now that I think of it I have more than three good pairs of shoes.
There goes my hero. — Photo by Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports
Last Week’s Fistpumps and Faceplants
Drew Brees, QB, Saints – 23.48pts, 15th QB +
Tyrod Taylor, QB, Bills – 29.24pts, 7th QB ++
Devonta Freeman, RB, Falcons – 20.30pts, 8th RB ++
Mark Ingram, RB, Saints – 19.9pts, 11th RB +
Javorius Allen, RB, Ravens – 38.0pts, 1st RB +++
Julio Jones, WR, Falcons – 17.3pts, 21st WR +
Markus Wheaton, WR, Steelers – 14.0pts, 31st WR –
DeVante Parker, WR, Dolphins – 15.3pts, 28th WR +
This week’s DraftKings millionaire might well have been created to provide evidence for the theory that these tournaments are merely lottery tickets in sheep’s clothing. He leaned heavily on Steelers in constructing his windfall lineup. It could have easily been incredibly stupid, in retrospect, to fill more slots with Pittsburgh players than not, and yet it wasn’t; it was brilliant, but really only because it worked.
Coming in at “only just slightly less brilliant than that” was our slate of picks from last week, which doubled up on Falcons and Saints to a resounding thud, but made up for it with a 101mph heater down the middle named Javorius Allen. We may have picked the one Steeler who didn’t turn the Colts defense into a lovely little organic garlic pesto last weekend, but whichever DeVante Parker we ended up with rewarded a deep dive with a few catches and a score. Was it 1DontTryThisAtHome1 level? No way! We should definitely try it next week! What’s his secret?!
Winning lineup via DraftKings Research.
Jameis Winston, QB, Buccaneers – $5,500
Blake Bortles, QB, Jaguars – $6,000
Cam Newton, QB, Panthers – $7,500
DeAngelo Williams, RB, Steelers – $6,000
Lamar Miller, RB, Dolphins – $5,700
Typical. — Photo by Winslow Townson-USA TODAY Sports
LeSean McCoy, RB, Bills – $6,100
“The players think it’s all about them!” says Herm Edwards, in reference to God-knows-what, and who-cares-what-else. He’s probably talking about this, a statement by McCoy in response to a question posed by a reporter, in which McCoy does not explicitly reference himself at all. Fair enough, Herm! Fair enough.
Herm, if you didn’t know, is a regular on the local sports talk radio circuit, which means when he isn’t gesturing wildly while yelling into a lav mic in a Bristol, CT studio, he’s probably gesturing wildly while yelling into a landline phone in a soundproof room in his home. There’s nothing wrong with that of course—God bless him for providing producers around the country with more #Content—but it gives you an idea of where the guy is coming from. He’s just sayin’ stuff! That’s his job. To say things.
The problem with coaches and players and other fringe-level NFL detritus like ol’ Herm being such a prominent part of our weekly saying-things regimen is obvious; with the exception of Jon Gruden, and maybe not even him, who among the studio crews and booth guys on any network could easily hop back into the game proper, in any capacity? That may sound suspiciously like the kind of battleaxe these very commentators would wield against outsiders and critics, i.e. “That guy hasn’t played the game,” “He lives in his mother’s basement,” and so on. But it’s different.
It’s different because these guys have made a second career out of saying what they know as a result of having been inside locker rooms and huddles some time ago, and decidedly not what they have learned anywhere else. So, at what point do we push back? What’s the expiration date on the experiential evidence that former players and coaches vacuum-seal and pack away for their inevitable run on broadcast TV? Is it ten years? Is it five?
I humbly submit that it’s right around the time they stop behaving like grown adult men and begin to resemble, startlingly, a mewling, angry Muppet Baby. Just a thought!
Ronnie Hillman, RB, Broncos – $4,700
Odell Beckham, Jr., WR, Giants – $9,100
Devin Funchess, WR, Panthers – $3,600
Cecil Shorts III, WR, Texans – $3,600
Weekly Fantasy
Should you, the fantasy football GM, also take advantage of this time of reflection to relive some of your more memorable goofs and blunders, well then, certainly no one can stop you! Unlike many of the men (and it is always men) who cash NFL checks for doing basically the same job as a fantasy player, you are generally assured that your team will want you back next year. As a result, you may judge that the cost of reflecting on a doomed Week 7 trade is not worth your time. In that case, crack a damn beer and click out of Yahoo until next August.
For the rest of us, there’s a lot of data to sift through, some of it worthy of a cringe and not much else. Here’s a good, painless place to start, though: are these guys on your bench? Should they be there next year?
When you’re surpassing fantasy football expectations with regularity. — Photo by Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports
Your call-ups:
Philip Rivers, QB, Chargers
Marcus Mariota, QB, Titans
There are certain things I’ll just never understand. Quick story: one of my most embarrassing memories is from my high school days working at GameStop. It may be common knowledge by now that you can save a little scratchola buying used products at game retailers; then again, as physical media goes the way of the dodo and the little punch cards you would get from the donut shop that gave you a dozen free donut holes after you bought 144 normal-sized donuts, maybe people are forgetting that games used to come on discs altogether. They used to, and goofs like me used to sell them.
Anyhow, a customer was in line buying Pirate Gaiden 5 or whatever the hell, and was emphatic that he did not want a used (or opened, which was done for display purposes) copy. “Sales Associates” like myself were instructed to push used merchandise because of its higher margin, but this policy did not take precedence over game reservations or club memberships. It was simply good practice and, if I may say so, a better value for the consumer in the end.
Some people just want the new stuff, though, and that’s fine. Maybe it’s a gift for your dorky cousin or socially awkward child, how should I know? Maybe you really like cellophane. Maybe you’re too into cellophane, and it’s really becoming a problem for your family. I really don’t know you, so it isn’t for me to say, but if you like cellophane that much—it’s like any other substance in this regard—I think a professional should be consulted, at the very least. It’s not healthy.
I’m getting off track, you weirdo. Point is, 17-year-old me says to the guy, who again, is simply in the mall to process a transaction for Insane Taxi or something, “I’ll never understand that.” I was prompted to say this not by alcohol or any other drug which would make it an understandable or at least forgivable thing to say, but merely in reference to his antipathy toward taking home a used copy of DumpSim 2000.
What the fuck! Why would I say that? The guy can do what he wants. It’s his money, after all. It isn’t as if I get a bonus for the percentage of used games sold on my watch, either. Hell, I was probably logged in to the manager’s account on the POS system, and anyway what would a bonus for a high schooler making $5.15/hr even look like? Health insurance? Overtime? Come on. This is America, and more specifically the Gamestop part of America.
So here I say: I will never understand why Marcus Mariota is fighting desperately for respect among ESPN’s fantasy football rankers. You can play with anyone’s numbers, granted, but taking his average from the 10 games he’s actually played so far and applying it to a 12-game season, he’d rank eighth among QBs this year in my league’s (pass-heavy, even, which for a running QB is not ideal) scoring format. That’s just five points behind Philip Rivers, who is, well, now that you mention it, ranked as the 20th QB this week at ESPN. Ah, well.
Shaun Draughn, RB, 49ers
Spencer Ware, RB, Chiefs
Javorius Allen, RB, Ravens
James White, RB, Patriots
DeVante Parker, WR, Dolphins
Pierre Garcon, WR, Washington
Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Titans
Ted Ginn, Jr., WR, Panthers
Tyler Lockett, WR, Seahawks
