I Asked Santa Which Celebrities and Politicians Are Naughty or Nice

It’s been a minute since Christmas was really that Christmassy. We might have less money than ever before, but there’s certainly a lot to be thankful for: Office parties are back with a gloriously messy vengeance, yuletide get-togethers are no longer restricted to support bubbles on freezing outdoor tables. We even get to hug our grandparents without the overwhelming fear that we might kill them – although this does mean receiving sloppy kisses from our least favourite aunt again. Love it or hate it, the true essence of Christmas has returned.

In this renewed festive spirit, some families will joyously (or reluctantly) unite for the first time in three years. Naturally, there will be tiffs over Monopoly empires, but there’s also a hell of a lot 2022 happenings to squabble about, too. From one unprecedented period to another, a lot has happened in the last year, and it’s easy to picture merry laughter across the dinner table turning into fierce fall outs.

Is Prince Harry a standup guy or a snake? Elon Musk – threat to free speech or defender of liberty? Which political leader has hurt this country the most? What wouldn’t Kourtney Kardashian do for money? If you were Will Smith, what would you have done?

To avoid the possibility of Christmas confrontations over these not-so-perennial questions, I meet Santa Claus at Rebellion Beer’s taproom just outside west London — courtesy of a professional agency called Santa’s Calling You — to put the fervent debates to bed, ahead of time. I ask Santa who’s been naughty or nice this year – and why on earth his local drinking hole is so far from Lapland.

Elon Musk

VICE: The nature of his Twitter takeover – from the reinstatement of Donald Trump to the banning of certain journalists – has seen Musk condemned. Does he deserve coal for Crimbo or a packed stocking? Santa: I’m loath to encourage the distribution of fossil fuels but yes, nothing more than coal. I’m totally for free speech, but hate speech is wrong. There’s no way I’d let Trump and all the other right, or left, wing zealots have a voice on my platform. But I recognise he’s a Marmite kind of guy.

You’re suggesting it’s not such a clear cut case – I guess Santa eventually sees both the light and the dark? Santa: I like to see the positive in everyone and he got the ball rolling with electric cars through Tesla. I don’t use engines either, if I was going to modernise my sleigh it would be electric with solar panels to recharge when I hit sunny time zones. But he’s also a stonkingly rich, self-centered showman. He regards himself as a Peter Pan character who doesn’t want to grow up – maybe the coal will help.

Verdict: Firmly on the naughty list

Julia Fox

The Uncut Gems actress says she does things “to give people something to talk about”. Going out with “Ye” and breaking up with him because of his “unresolved issues” is a pretty effective ploy – did you hear about it Santa: Well, no. But it depends whether those issues were unsettling to her well-being within the partnership – it has to be mutually beneficial. She obviously came to the conclusion that she couldn’t deal with whatever he was facing, but it’s never good for your motivation in life to be newsworthy.

Says someone giving an interview to VICE. Santa: You can’t share the good word in a vacuum. We people in the public eye can use our celebrity status to raise concerns around issues and causes that need spotlighting.

What issue would you like to raise today? Santa: Well, I didn’t watch a minute of the World Cup. I’m friends with quite a few LGBTQ people, so I had to make a stand. It gave me peace of mind to not just go along with it – I don’t support the regime in Qatar.

Verdict: Nice

Joe Biden

Santa: He’s in a tight spot, to be honest. He probably has to do a lot of things he doesn’t really feel comfortable with. There are so many people around him with influence who will push him in one direction, and it’s down to him whether he’s strong enough to push back. I give him his due for what he’s trying to do – compared to Trump, he’s a breath of fresh air. I just hope his family has peace this Christmas.

He’s been criticised for not getting some of his main policies through – do you think you’d do a better job? Santa: I’d have to eat a few less mince pies and get fitter to be president, but I’d always answer the call to help make a difference. I’d end homelessness and have a massive home building program. I’m used to handling all my elves and do a good job every year at ensuring everything is delivered in time – perhaps I’d make a decent project manager.

Verdict: Nice, even though he’s like an inappropriate grandad whenever he’s passed the mic

Liz Truss

Santa: The fact that a small proportion of the nation – the Conservative party members – could elect a new prime minister is just a farce. Then she galloped into making changes that no-one had voted for – they caused chaos.

Who elected you? Santa: It’s different for me: I was born for the job.

Like the Dalai Lama? Santa: Yes, like him I’ve grown into the role (since the birth of Saint Nicholas some 1,700 years ago) – more people have heard of me, though.

Verdict: Perhaps the naughtiest of them all – he wished there were more words to choose from

Will Smith

Santa: I’ve always loved his films, but the slap was a bit OTT – even though it must’ve been a stressful and traumatic time in the Smith household with Jada’s illness. If Mrs Claus had been insulted I’d have been pretty unhappy, but I would’ve just put Chris Rock in with the reindeers for half an hour.

What did you think of Rock’s reaction? He didn’t really have time to retaliate given how quickly Smith retreated to his table. Santa: It was very big of him to stay calm and make a joke of it. He could’ve threatened lawsuits and all that, but he was quite gracious – he was the bigger man. Violence doesn’t solve anything. I’m not that keen on people pummelling each other in a boxing ring either, but at least that’s sanctioned.

Verdict: Regretfully naughty

Prince Harry and Prince William

Santa: I don’t usually like to get involved in family squabbles, because if you end up taking sides people get alienated. Reading between the lines, it seems they’re a pretty dysfunctional family and it can’t be easy to be a member of it. But I’m a lifelong republican and I don’t want them to be so important: They’re in a very privileged position compared to the homeless and those struggling to pay their utility bills this winter.

I’m sure they’d pay you generously to mediate the dispute. Santa: I’d be supportive of a reconciliation: Whatever’s happened, you’re talking about brothers who have gone through so much together. Will has long accepted his role and that he’ll be king one day, while Harry took the brave  decision to put the happiness of his family first. I just wish them both a happy life.

Verdict: Both nice, despite being born into extravagant wealth thanks to our blood, sweat and tears.

Climate Protesters Who Threw Soup on Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’

Santa: I was relieved to hear the painting wasn’t actually damaged – and the activists actually have quite a valid point. It tugs on my heart that young people care enough to protest and live by their convictions, when most people are just like: “It’s not my problem, I can’t do anything.” Change starts with an individual, then a group of individuals, and then affects society.

I guess their weapon of choice was pretty nice-list friendly? Santa: I’ll let you into a secret, tomato soup is Santa’s favorite soup – with lots of ground pepper. But they should’ve used some sort of tin with no brand advertising, because Heinz got great publicity from it.

Verdict: Nice, even with their criminal records

Kourtney Kardashian

She recently got hate for being appointed sustainability ambassador of fast-fashion brand Boohoo, then releasing a “greenwashed” collection. She bangs on about loving the earth, but was also exposed for her excessive private jet use and water over-usage during a drought. Santa: Their marketing department has scored an own goal hiring her to promote eco-friendly clothes. I think they could’ve chosen a better role model, it’s definitely a hypocritical move. I don’t know what her motivations are – I suspect it’s money, but I’m not going to paint everyone with the same brush. I’d want to know more details before I put her on the naughty list – it’s a serious matter.

Santa’s verdict: Neither naughty, nor nice

Drake

Recent lyrics, including a supposed dig at Megan Thee Stallion, have seen him branded a misogynist. Then there was the disturbing news he’d been texting Millie Bobby Brown and Billie Eilish when they were teenagers.  Santa: He’s a guy of influence and obviously an idol to a lot of young girls – his behaviour seems very dubious to me. But how he lives his life and who he dates – so long as it’s above board – is up to him. I don’t know how any of his relationships have evolved, there has to be hard evidence of whether he has been perverse or deviant.

He’s also been taking 20-minute plane journeys.  Santa: Well, that’s taking the piss, isn’t it? I have a good friend who’s so green that he hasn’t taken a flight in 40 years because he doesn’t want to add to the problem. That’s the total opposite to this guy – it’s appalling.

Verdict: Naughty

@matthabusby