Getting Along is a column about taking care of yourself, setting boundaries, and having difficult conversations, for people who struggle with all three.
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But when someone is behaving in a way that is egregiously wrong or that really violates the social contract, it can actually feel harder to confront the behavior. Thereâs often a feeling of, This is so obviously out of line and this person doesnât seem to notice or care⊠perhaps *I* am the one who is wrong?But youâre probably not wrong!!! (And as long as youâre sincerely thinking about the issue from all angles and attempting to act in good faith on behalf of everyone involved, you're OK to proceed.) Being a good friend doesnât mean you have to listen to them grouse like this forever.If your friend is shouting through the bars of a jail cell of their own making, hereâs what to do.When someone is acting like an ass, itâs easy to tell yourself that itâs not your place to say something. Like, Yeah weâre friends, but weâre not *best* friends. Or, Yeah weâre best friends, but Iâm not their *partner*. If you really donât want to have a hard conversation, you can find endless reasons why itâs not your responsibility to be The One Who Says Something.But consider the alternative: perhaps you should be The One. We live in a society, and weâre all responsible for gently telling people when they are acting obnoxious. Therapist Ryan Howes put it to me this way when I interviewed him for my book: âAs a friend, itâs important to step in because people can be so unaware of what theyâre doing. A big part of our job as friends or in any relationship is to hold a mirror up sometimes.â
Accept that yeah, you should probably say something.
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Being your friendâs mirror isnât particularly fun⊠but neither is being the pillow they are screaming into. No matter how you slice it, this situation isnât going to be enjoyable for you, so you might as well try dealing with it directlyâat least that option includes the possibility that things will actually get better.If the conversation is happening in person, you can say a lot through your tone and body language. When the person says something particularly off-base, donât nod in agreement; instead, let yourself grimace, wince, or cringe. If theyâre really on one, they might not notice (or will pretend not to)⊠but in my experience, this when theyâll probably begin to get the sense that you think theyâre being kind of an asshole. (If they are ever going to get it at all.) They might even say, âDo you think Iâm being an asshole?â Which brings us toâŠInstead of âOh, totallyâ-ing your friend in the moment (while silently rolling your eyes, or thinking about how youâre going to talk shit about them to a third party later), just⊠say something! Keep your tone measured and fairly neutral; while your friend probably should feel a little bit embarrassed by their behavior, aggressively shaming them isnât going to help. If they are feeling attacked and defensive, they arenât going to be able to really internalize what youâre saying.Let's say your friend is venting non-stop about a third party, Tyler. Tyler is definitely in the right.
Let tone and body language do some of the talking.
Keep your judgment in check while telling them that you donât agree.
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Hereâs what you could say to your friend:âI actually see Tylerâs point.ââHm⊠I actually donât think [thing your friend is saying/doing] is totally fair.ââIf I can be honest, I actually think you should listen to what Tyler is saying.ââHm, I can actually see where they are coming from on this.ââI actually donât think what Tyler is [doing/saying] is that crazy.ââI think if I were in Tylerâs position, Iâd probably be pretty upset too, to be honest.âIn my experience, a calm response like this acts like a cooling balm on their heated spirit, and theyâll pause and ask you why you think that. And if they dismiss you entirely without hearing you out, well⊠that tells you a lot about your friend.Sometimes, it makes more sense to avoid the really grave âIâm not mad, Iâm just disappointedâ tone, and go for a response thatâs both light and also blunt. Instead of trying to communicate âThis is Serious,â you can aim for a breezier âHoly shit, your behavior is so bad, this isnât actually that deep!â When someoneâs POV is fundamentally not up for debateâbecause itâs racist, misogynist, actually a crime in some states, etc.âyou donât have to treat it as valid.So, that might sound something like:âWaitâwhat? Thatâs an incredibly [unprofessional/mean/weird/fucked up/out of line] thing to [say/do] to [your boss/your partner/your ex/the person who is presently upset about your friendâs repeated microaggressions]. Youâre lucky they arenât [firing you/dumping you/calling the cops on you].â
If the friend is doing something really egregious, lean into your negative reaction.
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If you canât be honest for some reason, at least absolve yourself of the need to be a good audience.
Let go of the need to convince your friend that they are in the wrong.
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âIâve told you how I feel about this, so Iâm not sure what you want me to say here.ââI think you know how I feel about this, so can we please table this subject for the foreseeable future?ââHey, I donât think weâre ever going to see eye to eye on this, and Iâm finding these conversations pretty draining. Can we change the subject?âIt makes sense that you would want to vent to other people about your complaining friendâit feels good to be able to say what youâre really thinking to someone, and a third party will presumably either validate your frustration, or tell you that youâre off base.But venting about every conversation you have with the obnoxious friend causes a few problems: First, it can trick you into thinking youâre solving the problem, when youâre actually just spreading the negativityâyour friendâs and now your ownâaround. Youâre also doubling the amount of time you spend thinking about it; to paraphrase @dril, youâre giving yourself brain damage by pissing yourself off.Sure, itâs satisfying to say these things out loud to someone⊠so now imagine how great it would feel to say everything (in a more considerate form, of course!) to the person who actually needs to hear it.Finally, by complaining to your other friends non-stop, you become that which you hateânow youâre the one venting non-stop about a situation instead of acknowledging your own agency or doing something to fix it. Sure, you might think the third party youâre unleashing on is totally fine with this and perhaps even likes it⊠but thatâs surely what the complainer is thinking about you, too.That doesnât mean that you canât ever talk with a third person about this stuff⊠but try to exhibit a little more self-awareness than the person youâre complaining about right now.Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.Rachel Miller is the author of The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People, coming May 2020. Follow her on Twitter.