We Made Three Real Estate Agents Take the Sociopath Test From ‘Blade Runner’

It takes a special set of skills to become a real estate agent. Are you a gifted liar? Can you gesture at storage? Are you able to unlock a door, and then also lock that door 15 to 20 minutes later?

Congratulations, you got the job! The one downside is that lots of people now assume you’re a paid up footsoldier of the landlord class, happy to fleece decent people out of half of their monthly wages for some tiny shithole buried in mold. Although considering real estate agents have a reputation for lacking compassion, maybe you won’t care about any of that.

To find out if every property professional is as sociopathic as the public imagines them to be, I put a few through the Voigt-Kampff test from Philip K Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? and the classic movie inspired by it—Blade Runner, obviously.

In the book and film, the test helps the LAPD’s Blade Runners determine whether or not someone is a ‘replicant’ (a bioengineered humanoid who lacks the capacity for empathy) who must be ‘retired’ (killed) at any cost.

In the context of this article, it helped me determine whether or not these three estate agents are sociopaths.

LYDIA, 27

VICE: You’re in a desert. You look down and see a tortoise crawling towards you. You reach down and flip the tortoise on its back. It’s lying there, flapping its legs around, and can’t get back over without your help. But you’re not helping. Why?
Lydia: Oh, god. I think the main question is why did I flip it over in the first place? But why would I leave it? Maybe it’s, like, really injured and I want to put it out of its misery? But I can’t actually bring myself to kill it. 

So you just leave it there to slowly bake?
Yeah. 

Okay. Describe, in single words, only the good things that come to mind about your mother.
Caring. Lovely. Kind. Fun. Umm, cute. Yeah, I love her.

You’re in a crowded street and you hear a child crying loudly behind you. You ignore the sound and continue walking. Why?
Not my problem? You hear babies crying all the time. 

Okay, let’s get more direct. You’re holding a newborn baby in your arms and it won’t stop crying. After hours of soothing, it’s still screaming. What do you do?
Ugh. Probably call my mum. 

Your mum doesn’t answer the phone.
Umm, I’d probably go for a walk? 

There’s torrential rain and gale force winds outside. 
[Laughs] Oh god, I think I’d just have to leave it in its cot and put some headphones on. That is actually a thing anyway, isn’t it? Crying therapy.

I believe it’s called the “cry it out method.” Final question. You’re watching a person drown in a lake. No one is around, and you can save them, but you choose not to. Why?
[Laughs] What an awful question. Jesus. I don’t know. The only thing I can think of is it’s someone who’s done something awful to me, or someone who’s just done something really horrible in general. 

GEORGE, 34

VICE: A butterfly lands on your hand, its wings delicate and colorful. You slowly crush it. What do you feel?
George: My first thought is what that would physically feel like, which I sort of imagine being crunchy for some reason. But emotionally… I don’t know, not good? Killing a butterfly feels worse than, like, swatting a fly.

You come home and find your pet dog wagging its tail excitedly. You kneel down, look into its eyes, and then slap it in the face. Why did you do that?
[Laughs] I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m finding that so funny. Why did I slap him in the face? Umm, he’s done something bad? But I don’t think I’d actually be able to slap a dog. 

You see a homeless person asking for food. You have a full meal in a bag, but you walk past them. How do you justify that decision?
I can actually imagine myself doing this, and you know what? I don’t actually know how I’d justify it, or if I even would. I honestly think I’d just walk past them, clock I have a sandwich in my bag or whatever, and just keep walking.

You’re watching a movie where the villain succeeds and the hero dies. You find yourself cheering for the villain. Why?
I’m watching The Sopranos? 

An actual villain, not an antihero.
I mean, some villains are just better to watch than heroes. Thingy [Javier] Bardem in No Country for Old Men—he’s a fucking psycho, and like a proper villain, but he’s more compelling than the other characters. 

You’re standing in front of a painting that everyone around you admires. You hate it, but you say you love it. Why do you lie?
Path of least resistance. 

Fair enough. Last question: You’re at a party, and everyone around you is laughing at a cruel joke made about someone who isn’t there. You laugh along. How does that make you feel?
Bad, probably. I’m trying to imagine it. I think it depends on whether I know the person as well. Like, if they were a friend I’d feel worse about it than if it was someone I’d never met. 

LIAM, 31

VICE: A wasp lands on your arm. Do you swat it, squash it, or just let it do its thing?
Liam: I’d shoo it on away. 

Someone gives you a calfskin wallet for your birthday, along with a photo of the calf the wallet is made out of. How do you react?
Calfskin? Yeah, I’d be happy with it, depending on the brand and the size. Yeah, I’d be happy with it. I’d say thank you, that’s for sure. 

You see a man lying injured on the street and everyone around him is ignoring him. What do you do?
You try to help him?

You witness someone feeding a stray cat poisoned food?
Oh god, I don’t really like cats. No, I’d obviously be like: that’s wrong, you probably shouldn’t feed that cat poisoned food. 

A coworker asks you to lie for them. How do you respond?
It depends on whether it’s a personal thing or a work-related issue, and who it is. But yeah, I probably would lie for them. 

Okay. You’re at a restaurant and a waiter brings you the wrong dish, but they seem very stressed. Do you complain?
Umm. Probably not, no. I’d probably take it. ‘Thank you very much, sir. Yep, that was great.’

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