That hunk of man in the Necros shirt is our latest columnist, Joe Somar.There’s a shit ton of terrible songs in this world, but music is so subjective that a bad song can hit you at the right moment and feel more perfect than Flipper’s discography. Here are seven examples.1. Buckcherry – “Lit Up”You don’t get to pick your family. Sometimes when you’re forced to hang around people with whom you don’t have much in common, you have to find some strange neutral ground so you can all just be humans together. For me and my dad, our big bond was cocaine. We couldn’t get enough of that shit. Whether we were going to play catch in the park or go watch some WWF at Madison Square Garden, we always made sure to dance with our favorite white lady (not my Mom) first. And wouldn’t you know it, “Lit Up” is the absolute best song to listen to while doing a shit-ton of blow with your Pops.2. Gravity Kills – “Guilty”When you look good in leather pants, making snuff films is a natural career choice for you. It’s dark and sexy, just like your pants. When you’re on set and you’re breaking the news to your “actress” that Vicious Todd is actually about to stab her to death, “Guilty” is the song you want blasting out of your shitty Macbook speakers.3. Lenny Kravitz – “American Woman”I would never in a million years rep the Guess Who version of this song—the idea of a Canadian having an opinion on our women makes me a little sick inside. But imagine you’re outside sipping on a frosty can of Diet Coke. The condensation is dripping down your beefy forearm and suddenly a super hot babe is walking towards you in slow-mo. You lock eyes and wouldn’t you know it, she’s digging you. Yeah, that could be pretty sweet but if Lenny started singing “American Woman” to the both of you while this shit was going down, you’d be eloping by the end of the night. Or at least you’d get an “old fashioned” from her in the nearest shitter. For our more “ethnic” readers, please re-read this and use the song “Smooth” by Santana instead.4. Smash Mouth – “All Star”The thing about odds is that it’s totally awesome when people overcome them. This is why the ironic enjoyment of the Special Olympics is one of the many things I cannot take lightly. Their motto is “Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.” Are you crying yet? If you’re not, congratulations on being a real-life ogre. So when I’m cutting together a highlight video of the 2001 games in South Africa, Smash Mouth’s “All-Star” is the only song that can match the triumphant spirit of this competition. It’s also a good song to come out to if you’re presenting a Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Award.5. The Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Give It Away”I am so glad I was born a man. Women have it the worst and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The worst thing that can happen to a girl is an unwanted pregnancy. I’d say about 60% of the girls I’ve slept with have had to get an abortion at some point (whether it be before or after me) and that’s a really tough decision to make. Even someone who is super pro-choice might get bugged out at the thought of the devil cake in their oven turning into a ghost baby that will haunt them forever. But what other choice do they have? How about give them up for adoption? And how do we get the word out? How about an ad campaign that features “Give It Away”? Sure, “what I’ve got you’ve got to get it put it in you” but that doesn’t mean you have to keep what I put in you. Let a rich white family raise that fucker.6. Dramarama – “Anything, Anything”Why does anybody take up kickboxing? To meet chicks, of course. Sasha Mitchell was on TV and he knew that adding kickboxing to his resume would get him exponential amounts of lady time. So when you’re at your dojo or just practicing your roundhouses while waiting for the bus, throw on some “Anything, Anything”. Any woman who sees you tossing out crescent kicks while that song is playing is sure to fall into the deepest possible love with you.7. B-Real, Busta Rhymes, Method Man, Coolio, & LL Cool J – “Hit ‘Em High”I’m a way better basketball player than people will ever know. I don’t know if it’s my asthma or terrible body that causes everyone to underestimate me but I’m the kinda guy that can turn your hoop dreams into hoop nightmares. Type the address of the basketball court closest to my house into Google Maps street view if you want to see a sick picture of me in mid-air. So how do you let everyone know you’re serious business? Show up to your local court with a basketball underneath one arm and a boom box playing “Hit ’Em High” over your shoulder. They’ll know just how bad of a motherfucker you are before you even slam your first dunk.@joesomar
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