Please Like Me - TV Party!

Growing up, music was my dad and television was my mom. Real dad was too busy burning rock in his car and real mom had to work three jobs.

You grow up fast when you don’t have any role models. Whatever I couldn’t pick up from the mean streets, I had to get from turning on the TV or the radio. So while Three’s Company and Bad Brains didn’t teach me how to throw an elbow during a game of street hoops, they’ve teamed up to teach me some really important life lessons.

AGNOSTIC FRONTIN'

I remember when I found out pro wrestling was fake—it’s a loss I mourn more than my own father. I forget now how it happened but I think it had something to do with Earthquake killing Jake the Snake’s pet python. Nobody likes a phony. Being exposed as a fraud can ruin some careers, just ask whichever one of Milli Vanelli is still alive. But more heartbreaking than even Ashlee Simpson’s failure jig was finding out that Agnostic Front were lip-syncing.

I remember being 3 years old and a huge Agnostic Front fan. Who wasn’t at that age? I stayed up real late to watch my heroes on a local cable access show only to be treated to this total shamola! I couldn’t believe it! Their guitars weren’t even plugged in! I walked up to my television and put my tiny Doc Marten right through the screen. That’ll teach those lousy bastards to pull one over me.

Lesson learned: Don’t believe the hype.

GLYCERAIN

Everyone remembers their first love. Mine was Gavin Rossdale. For the first 13 years of my life, I thought that love at first sight was just some ploy by the man and Hallmark to sell you stuffed shit. Then one day during Spring Break, I turn on my television and see this gorgeous man strumming his guitar in the rain. I was hypnotized. Soon tears were streaming across my face like the dreamy downpour on my screen. I unbuttoned my shirt and pressed it against the hot glass and I felt love enter my heart for the first time ever in my life. Love was real after all.

Lesson learned: Angels are real.

V FOR VACCINES

Jenny McCarthy was a babe for like 10 minutes in the 90s, but I was turned off by her crusade against vaccines. I guess she thought they caused autism or something, even thought everyone knows if it weren’t for vaccines we’d all be riddled with polio like a flock of baby FDRs.

I also know that if it weren’t vaccines we wouldn’t have Craig Nicholls of the Vines. According to the geyser of infallible information known as Wikipedia, Craig was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, a neurological disorder of the autism spectrum. Now I’m not a doctor so I don’t know what that means but apparently it makes you AMAZING. Look at that zany bastard go! And to think had he not gotten vaccinated there is a very real chance the world would have never experienced Vinesmania.

Lesson learned: Get vaccinated!!

@joesomar

Previously - YouTube Babies