What I Learned About Style from Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You”

This video could be taken as the build up to a holiday sex tape starring Mariah and Santa, or as a home video to meant to make viewers fall in love with her. For productive purposes, let’s just go with the latter. Look, being cute and coy is a summer folly, and during these cold months we can’t just be expending precious energy throwing around snow and giggling and winking to get what we want. Some of us just aren’t built like that. Which is why Mariah’s onto something: just film it, then continue acting like troll in a floor-length robe for the rest of the season. Mimi is here to show us how to make the cutest and most bizarre home video around and lure in some unsuspecting suckers while you’re at it.

LOOK CUTE WHILE YOU DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE YOUR SLEIGH DRIVER IS
Ugh. Can we talk about how adorable Mimi is in this? Who could get mad at that? But f’real I do not recommend this look for anyone over age eight, especially with those white tights but GIRL. Precious. Forget the Mean Girls talent show, Mariah owned the sexy Santa getup first, and better.

IF YOU’RE BORING, CANCEL IT OUT WITH HOT PANTS
Mimi seems very excited about this caged collection of porcelain dolls. Boring. Know what’s not boring? That ass. Smoke and mirrors, people.

LOOK LIKE A KALEIDOSCOPIC DREAM ANGEL
Can we take a moment to consider how expensive five Mariah Careys would be? Do y’all remember the gold-leaf on her closet floor on MTV Cribs in like, 2010? Maybe I’m the only one who does because I’m gaudy as hell. Mimi is real cute in this ensemble, which you can probably find at Frederick’s of Hollywood. And then there’s the off-the-shoulder cowl cut. Those sweaters were everywhere. Underrated if you ask me. Nothing says Christmas surprise like knits that may or may not fall off when you reach for the gravy.

LET THEM KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A DIVA YOU CAN STILL LAUGH HEARTILY THOUGH A BLIZZARD
I think 2013 Mariah would only do this if those were tiny cashmere puffs sprinkled in front of a gold industrial fan. Me too.

MAXIMIZE YOUR ANGLES
Show ’em everything you’re working with by jogging with your arms like this. Cute face, slim waist, and a big behind.

HEY MALES: THIS LOOK IS UNISEX
Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber, using his color coordination, and snow-romp skills to seduce. Tangent: some Brit on the bus recently trapped me in a conversation just to say that films like Dumb and Dumber embarrass America, to which I did this:

ADDRESS THE COMPETITION LIKE “BYE HATER”
Versatile move. Mariah be like “Have fun taking the bus, bitch.” After you’ve lured in your bait with your frolicking and adorable antics, it’s best to gloat. And since riding off on a Ski-doo is considerably less romantic than riding off into the sunset, it feels like Mimi is leveling with us. Maybe happily ever after means hopping in your boo’s Taurus and riding off to an Olive Garden. Do you.

CODDLE ANIMALS AND LOOK CUTE BY ASSOCIATION
Even if it’s this albino devil-rabbit.

THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR
Red jumpsuit + reindeers = literally hot to trot. Throw your hands up like this and you’ll cover all the gesticular bases. It looks like she’s shrugging, shimmying, and throwing caution to the wind.

MAKE YOUR OWN FUN: START A SNOWBALL FIGHT WITH YOURSELF
The thing about having fun with friends is that you have to share all the attention. Some people accept this as a fact of life. Not Mariah. Take a page from her book and have a snow war with yourself. You always win, and you’re always the cutest one there.

Amalia knows the importance of an elasticated waistband over the festive period. Learn from her. She’s on Twitter – @graztifarian.