The porn parody is a timeless honor bestowed upon only the top tier of A-list celebrities. For a person to be spoofed in porn, he or she (but who are we kidding, mostly she) need to be a household name, one that has been mentioned in at least a thousand talk show monologue jokes. Everyone from movie stars to sitting politicians have felt the unauthorized, unprotected penetration of the triple-X parody.
Miley Cyrus meets all of the porn parody requirements, namely, she is famous and people wanna watch her fuck. Molly’s Wrecking Ballz solves that problem. The good folks at Devil’s Film released it last week (watch the NSFW trailer at Porner Bros) and, knowing my unironic love of Miley Cyrus and my lifelong appreciation for the pornographic arts (see my browser history), they hooked me up with a copy. Let’s get turnt up and dig in, y’all…
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Scene 1: Liam Hemsworth
The very first thing that stands out, even from the movie’s poster: The pornstar playing Miley (named Miley Mae) looks way, way, way too much like the actual Miley Cyrus. She sort of looks like Miley’s half-sister if Billy Ray Cyrus banged a waitress at Waffle House. She’s paler, frumpier, and has more weird stomach piercings than the actual Miley. I thought I was watching porn here. Where are the big fake tits? Where are the 10 pounds of mascara? Where, I ask, is the body glitter?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all on board with the notion of portraying women with realistic body types so that young girls can aspire to having achievable figures. And that’s fine for actresses and models and Barbie dolls. But this is porn we’re talking about. Young girls don’t watch porn. Porn is for grown men who want to jack off to comically disproportionate women, wipe themselves off, and go about the rest of their day. Women in porn are supposed to be so cartoonishly figured that when you stare at them, you’re half sexually aroused, half morbidly curious about how they perform simple daily activities like sleeping on their stomachs and buckling their seatbelts. Take the Sarah Palin porn parody, for example. Lisa Ann and her ridiculous double Ds made Sarah Palin, the most abhorrent woman on earth, seem fuckable. It made you think, “Well, a lot of disgusting things come out of her mouth, but at least I’m watching disgusting things go into it.” Similarly, a XXX Miley Cyrus movie should be so hot that Billy Ray Cyrus himself would jerk off to it. But here I am, about to delve into a 60-minute movie starring a trailer park version of Miley Cyrus.
Like the real Miley, Porn Miley has a blonde Skrillex haircut, bright red lipstick and fingernails, and is constantly making a peace sign and sticking her tongue out—the international symbol for being Miley Cyrus. The first scene opens with Liam Hemsworth reading a screenplay. I know porn is supposed to be about fantasies and all but come on, pretty boy actors don’t know how to read. Eventually, Liam and Miley begin fucking and it’s like watching two uncooked pieces of chicken roll around on the floor of a barber shop.
Watching this scene makes me wonder what the real Miley Cyrus is like in bed. She seems like she’d get easily distracted and forget she’s having sex midway through. I imagine her dirty talk is just the way she normally talks: “Wow, y’all, this feels, like, really really good on my vagina and I’m excited about having an orgasm and stuff like that and like, I’m super excited to be having sex right now and like, I’m so glad we did all this molly before we started and we should totally do more after we finish with the sex and all that, this is great, y’all.” It also makes me wonder why 60 full minutes of porn are necessary. I’m up to my sixth minute and this is officially the longest I’ve ever watched porn. Someone should tell that to my dick though because I haven’t gotten aroused once so far.
After seven minutes, I get pretty bored with watching this dude get his weird Australian pecker sucked off by Miley Cyrus (although in the pornstar’s defense, his acting is better than the real Liam Hemsworth’s in The Expendables 2). I realize this is partially because aside from the squeaking of the leather couch and Miley’s occasional “Oh yeah,” the scene is completely silent. So I try an experiment: I put Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz on in the background and holy shit, it’s like flipping on a lightswitch. This changes everything. The album’s opener “Adore You” syncs up perfectly with couple’s missionary-style fucking. The two then switch it up and Miley starts riding him right as “SMS” comes on. “4×4” also sounds good except that the “Drive so fast, about to piss on myself” line is pretty off-putting while watching porn. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Four songs into Bangerz and I realize something: Miley Cyrus makes the best fuck music. It’s all going great until the money shot when Spotify decides to drop in a commercial for Avenged Sevenfold’s tour. Nothing kills a boner like thinking about terrible mallcore bands. Fortunately, this scene is too unsexy for it to be a problem.
Scene 2: Beyoncé
The second scene starts with Miley going to town on herself in a dressing room. Someone opens the door and would you look at that, it’s “Beyoncé.” Bey is demanding to know what Miley is doing in her dressing room and screaming something about their Twitter beef. Eventually, as happens in porn, they settle their differences by fucking. Obviously, the pornstar playing Beyoncé is no Beyoncé but then again, who is? But I’ll give her this: At least she’s going for it. Armed with a strap-on, she keeps dirty talking in character, saying things like “Suck it like I suck Jay.” That’s going the extra mile. Good for you, Porn Beyoncé.
If this wasn’t the real Beyoncé, would the sign say “Star Beyoncé”? Case closed.
I put “Drunk in Love” on to see if my homemade porn soundtrack experiment applies here too and it does. Although, hearing Real Beyoncé’s voice while Porn Beyoncé’s mouth is flapping about loving black dick or whatever is a total mindfuck, which has been the only worthwhile fuck the movie has offered so far. Eventually, Jay-Z’s verse comes on. Even with two ladies going to town on each other, the verse is still unbearably awful. Although it’s pretty hilarious when he starts rapping to “eat the cake” right as Miley Cyrus is eating out his girl’s butt.
Watching Beyoncé and Miley “collaborate,” I start to think about all the sad music writers and liberal bloggers out there and all their worthless thinkpieces questioning whether Beyoncé’s videos are sex-positive or pondering the cultural significance of Miley’s race appropriation or whatever. I’m thinking about what their reaction would be to seeing the most influential black woman in the world dominating a white pop star with a huge strap-on. Salon writers’ brains would probably turn into Error 404 messages.
Scene 3: Alan Thicke’s Son
In the third scene, Miley gets fucked by Alan Thicke’s son and for a guy named “Thicke,” he isn’t very. Since there is nothing creepier than watching two people bone and hearing only the slapping together of raw flesh, I put “Blurred Lines” on and naturally, this also syncs up beautifully. Thicke singing “I know you want it” is a nice replacement for the scene’s complete lack of dirty talk. The song “Lost Without U” (by the way, a message to grown adults: stop naming your songs like you’re a teenage girl on Twitter) comes on and the slow jam makes the scene look sort of romantic. This is starting to feel like a love scene—a love scene taking place on a red leather couch with a bunch of graffiti in the background. Soon, the song “Give It 2 U” (again, STOP IT) comes on and the chorus “I wanna give it to you” makes for some nice sexy background noise.
Why is Miley wearing flesh-colored underwear under her VMA unitard? Shouldn’t porn be MORE slutty than reality?
The scene ends with Miley taking a facial from Alan Thicke’s son while flashing the Miley peace sign and doing the side tongue thing. The poor actress is forcing it so hard you can almost hear the director from off camera yelling, “Do it! Do the peace sign! No! Do it the way Miley does it! More tongue. MORE TONGUE!”
Update on my dick: Still deader than Thicke’s career will be by next year.
Scene 4: Justin TImberlake
“Justin Timberlake” makes an appearance in the, thank god, final scene, asking Miley why she doesn’t follow him on Twitter. They settle this by—you guessed it—fucking. The guy who plays Justin Timberlake, although bearing no resemblance whatsoever to the real Justin Timberlake, is the best actor in the movie so far. At least he’s done his research and is saying things like, “Yeaaaah, twerk with your mouth.”
At this point, I want to mention that all of the guys in this movie have gross dicks. I know dicks are inherently gross but it’s like the casting call read: “Attention: Must have a cock that looks like it belongs on a slightly more evolved chimpanzee.”
I put on Spotify’s most popular Justin Timberlake song which is an unfortunate one to listen to while watching porn: “Cry Me a River.” Seeing Justin aggressively grabbing Miley’s pigtail buns and forcing her head down on his shaft while hearing a song about making a girl cry makes the whole thing feel kinda rapey. At some point, “Bringing Sexy Back” comes on and is a much more appropriate song choice although not entirely accurate as I wouldn’t describe the experience of staring into Miley Cyrus’ dirty butthole to be “sexy.”
After Justin brings sexy back all over her tits, he does what most guys do after coitus: He takes out her phone and forces her follow him on Twitter. End of movie.
Wait, actually, it ends, obviously, with a close up of Miley, tongue out, peace sign flashed. End of movie.
[Update: In rewatching it, I think maybe the Justin in the last scene is Justin Bieber? It’s really hard to tell.]
Dan Ozzi is worried his dick will never be the same. Follow him on Twitter – @danozzi
See also:
Oh God, Here Is Ron Jeremy Reenacting Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” Video
