What’s Gone On This Week: The Home Office Bins Off Shamima Begum

Welcome to “Pub Notes”, a column where NEO – AKA @MULLET_FAN NEO – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don’t miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

YOU’RE NEVER REALLY BRITISH UNLESS YOU’RE WHITE, UK GOVERNMENT REMINDS US ALL

SHAMIMA BEGUM, THE 15-YEAR-OLD WHO RAN AWAY FROM BETHNAL GREEN TO SYRIA IN 2015 WITH HER TWO SCHOOLMATES AFTER BEING GROOMED ONLINE BY THE ISLAMIC STATE, HAS HAD HER BRITISH CITIZENSHIP REVOKED BY THE HOME OFFICE.

NOW 19, SHAMIMA WAS FOUND IN A SYRIAN REFUGEE CAMP LAST WEEK, HEAVILY PREGNANT, SAYING SHE WANTED TO RETURN HOME TO THE UK. THE HOME OFFICE HAS SINCE STRIPPED HER OF HER ‘BRITISH’ STATUS AS SHE IS ELIGIBLE FOR CITIZENSHIP IN BANGLADESH, A COUNTRY SHE’S NEVER BEEN TO, NOR HOLDS A PASSPORT FOR, AND WHERE THE ITS MINISTRY OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS HAS SAID THERE IS “NO QUESTION” OF HER EVEN BEING ALLOWED IN.

FIRST AND FOREMOST, BEING A BRITISH CITIZEN ISN’T ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER OR YOUR MORALS, IT’S ABOUT YOUR RIGHTS AS A HUMAN BEING IN THIS COUNTRY. IF HAVING BAD JUDGMENT AGED 15 MEANS HAVING YOUR CITIZENSHIP STRIPPED OFF YOU THEN ALMOST EVERY CUNT I KNOW WOULD BE STATELESS NOW.

THE HOME OFFICE’S HANDLING OF THIS WILL ONLY AFFIRM WHAT MANY BROWN AND BLACK PEOPLE OF THE UK ALREADY SUSPECTED: BEING BORN AND RAISED HERE DOESN’T COUNT, “BEING BRITISH” IS ULTIMATELY DECIDED BY YOUR SKIN COLOUR, RELIGION AND CLASS.

DANNY DYER, WHO NOW SEEMS TO BE ONE OF THE FEW UK MEDIA PERSONALITIES WITH ANY MORAL COMPASS, RECEIVED SWATHES OF CRITICISM FOR STATING THAT SHAMIMA BEGUM “NEEDS A CHANCE, MAYBE, TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON AND MAYBE WE CAN UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT HOW [ISIS] GOT TO HER AND HOW SHE FELT IT WAS THE RIGHT MOVE TO JUMP ON A PLANE AND LEAVE THIS COUNTRY AT 15 YEARS OF AGE.”

WHAT’S LAUGHABLE IS THAT WE AREN’T EVEN OFFERING HER THE DUE PROCESS WE GAVE TO THE NAZIS AFTER WORLD WAR 2 AND WHAT MAKES THIS CASE EVEN MORE REMARKABLE IS THERE ARE MORE THAN 400 PEOPLE “OF NATIONAL SECURITY CONCERN” BELIEVED TO HAVE BEEN MOSTLY MALE FIGHTERS WHO HAVE RETURNED FROM CONFLICTS IN SYRIA AND IRAQ IN THE UK. SO THE NOTION THAT BRITAIN COULD NOT HANDLE HER THREAT, OR WOULD BE UNABLE TO ASSESS HER, MAKE THE APPROPRIATE JUDGMENTS, AND IF NECESSARY PUNISH OR REHABILITATE HER IS GENUINELY FEEBLE.

I CAN’T HELP FEEL IF THIS WAS A 15-YEAR-OLD WHITE SCHOOLGIRL WHO SURVIVED IN A WAR-ZONE AFTER GROOMED BY ISLAMIC EXTREMISTS, WHO SUBSEQUENTLY LOST TWO OF HER CHILDREN, THE ANGER WOULD BE DIRECTED DIFFERENTLY. IF THIS CHILD MARRYING A WAR CRIMINAL IS REASON ALONE TO HAVE HER CITIZENSHIP REVOKED, WHAT OF CHERIE BLAIR? MORE APPROPRIATELY, WHAT OF LONDON BORN-AND-BRED ASMA AL-ASSAD, WIFE OF THE SYRIAN PRESIDENT, WHO THERESA MAY ACKNOWLEDGES HAS USED CHEMICAL WEAPONS AGAINST PEOPLE? IS SHE TO HAVING HER CITIZENSHIP REMOVED? OF COURSE NOT, THAT WOULD BE AGAINST “BRITISH VALUES”.

“CONTROVERSIAL KARL LAGERFELD” IS DEAD AND HIS CAT CHOUPETTE IS SET TO INHERIT MILLIONS

KARL LAGERFELD HAS DIED THIS WEEK AND IT’S SEEMS ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIS TALENTS AS HE WOULD HAVE BEEN ALMOST CERTAINLY DESPISED YOU UNLESS YOU WERE RIHANNA OR GIGI HADID. AS ONE OF THE INDUSTRIES MOST REVERED FIGURES AND THE CREATIVE DIRECTOR FOR CHANEL FOR 30 YEARS, GLOWING TRIBUTES FROM THE WORLD OF FASHION POURED IN. OFTEN LABELED A “CONTROVERSIAL GENIUS”, LAGERFELD’S RELATIONSHIPS WITH MODELS AND HIS REPUTATION AS A DESIGNER WERE USUALLY STRONG ENOUGH TO LEAVE HIS BIGOTED COMMENTS UNSCATHED.

LAGERFELD OFTEN TALKED OF HIS DISLIKE FOR WOMEN WHO WERE ABOVE SIZE ZERO, CLAIMING CRITICISMS STEMMED FROM “FAT MUMMIES SITTING WITH THEIR BAGS OF CRISPS IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION, SAYING THAT THIN MODELS ARE UGLY”. HE ALSO REPORTEDLY CALLED THE SINGER ADELE “A LITTLE TOO FAT”, HOWEVER HE LATER SAID HIS REMARKS HAD BEEN TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT AND WERE ACTUALLY IN RELATION “TO LANA DEL REY”.

THE DESIGNER ALSO SAID HE WAS “FED UP” WITH THE #METOO MOVEMENT, AMONG A LONG-LIST OF OTHER OPINIONS THAT YOU COULD MIX AND MATCH WITH KATIE HOPKINS OR ANNE ROBINSON (ALBEIT, HIS TALENT EXTENDED BEYOND THEIR ONLY TANGIBLE SKILL OF BEING ABLE TO RAISE ONE EYEBROW AND SAY SOMETHING EXTREMELY CUNTISH).

LAGERFELD DID INDICATE IN INTERVIEWS THAT HIS CONTROVERSIAL PERSONA WAS AN ACT: “I AM LIKE A CARICATURE OF MYSELF, AND I LIKE THAT,” HE SAID. “IT IS LIKE A MASK AND FOR ME THE CARNIVAL OF VENICE LASTS ALL YEAR LONG.” SO IF HE WAS A MASTER WIND UP MERCHANT OR NOT IT DOESN’T MATTER NOW AS HE’S DEAD AS FUCK AND ALL THAT’S IMPORTANT IS THAT HIS FAMOUS KITTY CHOUPETTE MIGHT INHERIT A LARGE PART OF HIS £150 MILLION FORTUNE. ACCORDING TO FRENCH NEWSPAPER LE FIGARO, CHOUPETTE WILL UNDER GERMAN LAW BE ENTITLED TO THE MONEY IF SHE HAD BEEN NOMINATED AS HIS “HEIR”.

LAGERFELD SAID HIS LOVE FOR CHOUPETTE KNEW NO BOUNDS AND HE WOULD MARRY THE BLUE-EYED BIRMAN IF IT WERE LEGAL: “THERE IS NO MARRIAGE, YET, FOR HUMAN BEINGS AND ANIMALS,” HE ONCE LAMENTED AND SAID HIM AND CHOUPETTE COMMUNICATED “WITH THE EXPRESSION OF OUR EYES.” THE LOVE WAS RECIPROCAL IT SEEMS AS CHOUPETTE UPLOADED AN INSTA-MEMORY TITLED “RIP DADDY”. WHATEVER YOU THINK OF WHOLE BIZARRE MATTER, I’M IN NO DOUBT THAT BEING COMMEMORATED BY MY CAT IS HOW I’D LIKE TO BE SEEN OFF THIS PLANET.

HERO MAN NEARLY DROWNS IN SHIT SAVING DOG

THERE ARE NO GOOD DEATHS AND ONLY A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS POSSIBILITY FOR A BAD DEATH, RANGING FROM THE MUNDANE ACT OF SIMPLY DYING WITHOUT CLEARING YOUR INTERNET HISTORY TO THE MORE EXOTIC ERADICATION OF GETTING A PARASITE ON A PACKAGE HOLIDAY.

DROWNING IN SHIT WOULD DEFINITELY GO DOWN AS A BAD DEATH. HOWEVER, DROWNING IN SHIT TO SAVE YOUR DOG AT LEAST OFFERS YOU ONE OF THOSE EXTREMELY RARE, SOUGHT-AFTER NOBLE DEATHS, WHICH I IMAGINE PROBABLY WASN’T CROSSING BRIAN MARSHALL’S MIND AS HE FOUND TURDS RESTING UPON HIS CHIN AFTER HE DIVED INTO A SLURRY HEAP TO SAVE HIS 17-YEAR-OLD DOG BELLA.

HIS WIFE CHRISTINE LATER SAID HE WAS “WITHIN MINUTES” OF DYING AFTER BECOMING STUCK FOR NEARLY AN HOUR IN THE SOUP OF ROTTEN FEACES IN A FIELD IN BEDFORDSHIRE, WITH ONLY HIS NOSE, EYES AND MOUTH VISIBLE WHEN THE EMERGENCY SERVICES ARRIVED. HAVING SPENT MY CHILDHOOD, LIKE MOST PEOPLE, THINKING QUICKSAND WOULD SOMEHOW POSE AN OBSTACLE IN MY LIFE, I STILL THINK ANYONE WOULD BE TOTALLY UNPREPARED FOR THE EVENT OF SINKING INTO THIS EXTREMELY EVIL BOG.

BELLA WAS DESCRIBED AS THE HERO OF THE DAY AS SHE RAN TO A NEARBY VETS TO ALERT PEOPLE. “SHE SCREAMED AND YELLED, AS SHE IS A BIT OF A DIVA,” SAID CHRISTINE, AS SHE RAISED THE ALARM. THE RESCUE WAS DESCRIBED AS “VERY LUCKY” AS THE BEDFORDSHIRE FIRE AND RESCUE SERVICE USED A “NEW RESCUE TECHNIQUE” TO GET THE MAN LITERALLY OUT OF THE SHIT.

ONCE HE WAS EXPERTLY PULLED FROM THE POO HE WAS TAKEN TO BEDFORD HOSPITAL SMELLING “HORRIFIC” AND TREATED FOR HYPOTHERMIA, BUT WAS HOME BY THE EVENING. AN ALL ROUND FEEL-GOOD NEWS STORY.

@MULLET_FAN_NEO