We’re two weeks into the new series of Robot Wars – the sport for robots – and have thus found our second grand finalist. No, Shockwave was not the most impressive contestant, but it fought its way into the ultimate reckoning and should be praised accordingly. Here’s our 100% non-technical runthrough of all eight competitors.
SHOCKWAVE
Named after the enduringly popular brand of hair gel, or so we assume, Shockwave emerged as the surprise winner of episode two. This was despite rarely looking anything other than humdrum and suffering a truly savage beating in one of its round-robin encounters.
Videos by VICE
With their endearingly geeky dad-and-lad team of Ian and Will Thomas, Shockwave all but ambled into the Grand Final with a combination of good fortune and traditional English confusion. They were low-key in the qualifying contest, while their armoured scoop was hardly a stunning weapon and even got smashed to bits by Thor. Nevertheless, wins over Foxic and M.R. Speed Squared saw them comfortably reach the episode final.
Thor was heavy favourite for the deciding clash, but Shockwave flew out of the blocks and produced an attack that seemed to immobilise its opponent, or at least stymie its mighty axe. Thor stuttered towards the pit, and Shockwave helped them in to secure a surprise triumph.
You’d have to think they’ll struggle in the Grand Final, not least against the object of my affections, Carbide. Still, given their showing this week, you can also imagine them somehow bumbling to overall victory and celebrating with a round of ham sandwiches.
THOR
A builder by day – and presumably also by night if there’s an emergency call out and you offer him enough money – Jason Marston creates fightin’ robots in his spare time. He was the team’s sole member, which meant no arguments over the machine’s design and no one to say: “Please, Jason, do not have a jumper made up with ‘Thor’ on it, at least not with that design and those colours. Come on, Jason, let’s just go down the pub, you’ve been in this garage for days now and… are those bottles of piss in the corner?!” Yeah, no one to say that to our Jase.
A robot-loving loner he may be, but Jason produced what was the most consistently excellent machine of this episode, winning all three of its round-robin encounters, two by knockout. As such it was a travesty that it was beaten in the final, largely because the bloody axe didn’t work.
Thor was the true star of episode two
This leads to the main complaint about Thor. Famously, the Thor of Norse mythology possessed a bloody great big hammer, but his robot equivalent came equipped with an axe. Maybe the original robot used a hammer and was christened accordingly, which is fine, but it should really have been changed to the name of a famous axe-wielder – Lizz-E-Borden, perhaps? Alas, with Jason being the sole team member, there was no one to suggest this wonderful alternative.
M.R. SPEED SQUARED
They say the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long, which makes absolute sense and does not need to be held up to any scrutiny. This was certainly the case for M.R. Speed Squared, a robot that made up for its truly awful name by being bloody excellent – at least briefly.
Following a qualifying round demolition job, it looked the absolute business. Its 360-degree spinner was supremely menacing and made light work of Chimera. This, it seemed, was a worthy opponent for last week’s winner, the lovely Carbide.
M.R. Speed Squared mangles poor Chimera.
I mean, imagine the M.R. Speed Squared spinner coming up against Carbide in the Grand Final. The two robots would slowly edge towards each other, the smashed remains of their opponents lying on either side, acting as a grim guard of honour. Their eyes would meet (I know they don’t have eyes) and the pair would slow to a near crawl. Then, without warning, they would finally clash. As 360-spinner met bar-spinner, the arena would literally implode, swallowing all matter within it and leaving only an empty hole in space and time. The exception would be Professor Noel Sharkey, who’d be left sitting there stroking his little wizard beard and contemplating what fucking excellent weapons those two robots had. Alas, M.R. Speed Squared’s elimination means we’ll never enjoy such a scene.
FOXIC
Gather around, children, and let me tell you something about foxes: they’re all snivelling bloody cowards. Bollocks to what you saw in Animals of Farthing Wood, the fox is a nocturnal yellow-belly who hides away in holes while the mighty humans are present, then comes out under cover of darkness to pick on weaker animals, such as the idiot chicken. Though sometimes held up as noble and crafty, the fox is in truth a sissy creature. If a friend or family member expressed a fondness for this joyless courage vacuum, I would disown and wound them.
If I see a fox in the street I will chase it until one of us literally dies
And now behold Foxic, a robot built in the image of the fraidy-fox. It somehow progressed past the qualifying round with the typically fox-like tactic of simply hiding from the opposition, then proceeded to lose all of its round-robin contests, presumably because it wasn’t pitted against a mindless poultry foe. Foxic didn’t seem to have much in the way of weaponry, was small, and looked orange in colour. Some of it looked like Lego, too. Goodnight, children, I bid you dream of lions and tigers – but never the bad, bad fox.
TOUGH AS NAILS
Resembling a huge monster-crab-robot, Tough As Nails was an interesting looking entry. The team hailed from Helvoirt in the Netherlands, and it was tempting to cheer for them simply because that’s a long journey to make for a qualifying round exit.
Disappointment wracks the Tough As Nails crew, while Thor megastar Jason looks on impassively
Indeed, Tough As Nails (shouldn’t it be “Hard”?) showed some initial promise, pincering DisConstructor early in proceedings. However, it was soon victim of a two-pronged attack, which is in no way ironic. Shockwave did the pushing, while Thor struck with his mighty hammer axe. Several heavy blows left Tough As Nails immobilised, literally double-teamed into oblivion. Start the car, lads – it’s a long way home.
DISCONSTRUCTOR
DisConstructor looked really promising at first glance, possessing a menacing spinning disk and a mighty titanium shell, which if we’re to continue the animal theme would make it a demented cyborg turtle from the future. Its opponents expressed concerns and we thought – in our ignorance – that DisConstructor was in it to win it.
A family team comprising a dad and two sons, it was striking how much all three looked alike, save for different hair colours (grey, dark brown, and brown). I mean, these men are actual clones. It’s difficult to imagine the sons have a mother given the incredible similarity to their father. It’s more likely they were created in a lab so that the old man would have someone to build fightin’ robots with, and save him from a Jason-esque solo show. To help tell them apart, one son wore a kicky scarf like Ricky Wilson circa 2006 (which is a slippery slope if you ask me).
Dara shuts his eyes in the mistaken belief he is seeing triple
Alas, for all their impressive engineering and sartorial flair, DisConstructor endured a poor qualifying round that saw the team exit at the first hurdle. It was flipped into the air early on like a big robot pancake, and upon landing the life had drained from its robotic carcass. It was swiftly dumped into the pit and out of the competition.
DRAVEN
Literally no memory of this one, to be honest. Had to look it up. Had to go on a Robot Wars fan page and ended up in a deep wormhole from which – if I’m honest – I will never truly emerge.
Research complete, it seems Draven was modelled on a bottle opener. Perhaps the most impressive feature was the team’s choice of matching hoodies, which looked great when they were brimming with confidence but fell rather flat when they exited in round one.
On reflection, this actually looks like a bottle opener sat on a pie dish
“Our big Achilles heel is probably spinning robots, remarked one team member pre-fight, “and we’re up against at least one.”
That “one” was M.R. Speed Squared. While its later exploits were sad and toothless – like late-era Mike Tyson – its qualifying round showing was a display of terrifying power – like early-era Mike Tyson. Draven was its victim here, ambling into a full-speed spinner that struck twice to immobilise the luckless opponent.
CHIMERA
Heavy metal machine Chimera also stood little chance against the early-Tyson power of M.R. Speed Squared. Admitting a fear of spinning robots, team member Phil Mann said: “We’ve tested [the tyres] and they can still run even if they get destroyed, we can roll on the rims.”
Here’s a thought, lads: given that spinning robots tend to be the most destructive, why not build something that can withstand them? You know, like how cars are fitted with seat belts in case of a crash. Like how you don’t hear the guys at Mercedes saying: “Our only concern is that, in the case of a crash, all passengers will be flung violently through the windshield, but we’re confident that won’t happen.” Think about the worst-case scenario and build something that counteracts it.
All smiles for Team Chimera, before literally everything went to total shit for them
Come the fight, Chimera was almost instantly hobbled by M.R. Speed Squared. Phil’s prescient advice was to “stay away from it”, though a better suggestion might have been to build a robot that wasn’t so ridiculously vulnerable to the attacks of its competitors. Heavy-metal-haired child-driver Jordan Mann was right to look surly, as his machine was soon obliterated beyond recognition. That’ll teach you to install giant, destructible tyres, you fools.
