Sir, Please Do Not Try to Start an Orgy on the Kiss Cam

Sir! Sir! Stop that.

There is something inherently uncomfortable about the kiss cam. It’s always awkward to watch. There’s the looooooong delay from the time the camera fixes its gaze on a couple to when that couple recognizes they’re on the kiss cam and have to lock lips. Then there’s the usual beats that a kiss cam session has: attractive couple (yeah!), little kid and grandparent (awwww), opposing team’s players (haha, gay people, amiright?). But the best and worst part of the kiss cam experience is the people who absolutely go for it. Like our friends up there.

Some couples kiss in a perfunctory “oh ha ha we have to kiss in front of thousands of strangers? Great. I didn’t even want to come to this, you know” way; other times it’s a bit more of a tender embrace. This is not either of those things. These two are into this (especially the man-look at him go!) to an extent that it might be possible they misunderstand the concept of kiss camming and think that the point is to really get it on-to have full-blown intercourse-in the stadium. Check out that kiss. That is a “starting to have sex” kiss if I’ve ever seen one, and those people are obvious exhibitionists. You get the sense that they are extremely attuned to the current of raw sexuality running under the surface of everyday life if a dinner party gets kind of loose and people are talking about blowjobs, you can be sure this couple will be the first to make the “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we all started fucking?” not-joking jokes and the first ones to take their shirts off. It’s probably pretty uncomfortable to be their friend.  

The real star of this outstanding .GIF, though, is the innocent bystander with the receding hairline. He’s having the time of his life, these (presumably) drunk people behind him are exploring each other’s face holes and looking like grade-A buffoons. Is there anything better than seeing some strangers make complete asses of themselves in front of thousands of others? There is not.

Then, as the backward-hatted lothario presses his body up and into his beloved’s, his momentum carries his beer along with him and his hand ever so gently taps into the head of the seated man. The kisser doesn’t care about the beer-he doesn’t care about anything but his erection, obviously-so he drops the cup, letting his hand travel along the top of the bystander’s head, as if to say, “What is happening right now is so incredible that it must be shared with others. We want you to be a part of this with us.” Suddenly, he is the one who is being embarrassed in front of the San Diego Padres (guessing!) faithful. Is he angry because of the unexpected invitation to get involved in some kiss cam threeway action that could lead to a hotel-based night of cocaine and “Aren’t my wife’s tits amazing? They are. It’s OK. Touch them. I want you to touch them”? Or is he angry because he can’t tell whether his nipples are suddenly hard because of the cold beer that was just splashed on his now sticky T-shirt or the unexpectedly soft carress? (Damnit, Leigh, now I’m doing it.)

There are rules for the kiss cam: 1. The kiss cam is a weird idea in the first place. 2. Kiss your significant other when you’re on the kiss cam. 3. It should be a kiss that you’re fine with hundreds of children seeing. 4. Just because there is a kiss cam in the stadium doesn’t mean that you can just make creepy passes at hot bald men. This is not the 70s. Thank you.

David Matthews has never appeared on a giant video screen for any reason. Follow him on Twitter.