One time after I came on a guy’s face, he told me my jizz “tasted like Earl Grey tea.” I wasn’t sure what to make of his comment. I love Earl Grey tea, and my cum could taste way worse―some dicks taste like microwaved burritos―but I didn’t want to splooge bergamot orange-infused semen on my one-night stand’s face. I hate when gross precum lands on my lips, and as a Catholic, I’m a firm believer in do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
HiPleasures claims to sell the solution to my problem. The self-proclaimed “adult sexual wellness and health company” has released a pill called Sugar Cum that makes males’ “funky tasting junk” taste sweet. The pill’s ingredients include tropical fruit similar to those in Jamba Juice smoothies: proprietary blend, pineapple extract, acai extract, papaya extract, wheat grass extract, and cinnamon.
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As ridiculous as a “smoothie for your peen” sounds, the product has tons of potential customers. I’m not alone in my concerns about the taste of my jizz. All across America, men worry about their seed’s flavor. “My sperm tastes bad, help?” one man asked on Yahoo! Answers. “It tastes kind of like sour apple mixed with soap.” Guys’ lady friends are concerned too. “[The worst cum I ever tasted was] probably the first guy I gave a blowjob to, at age 16, in Poland on the class trip visiting death camps,” a 24-year-old female college graduate told me. “It was the worst only because I wasn’t expecting him to come in my mouth, and I wasn’t used to the taste yet, so it made me feel icky.”
Many people have turned to the internet to solve this issue. “Eat pineapple” is the blogosphere’s typical response, but according to Dr. Lawrence Ross, pineapple does jackshit. He told Psychology Today, “In healthy men, the composition of seminal fluid is constant because it includes a precise mixture of components necessary to support sperm.” In other words, to change cum’s taste, guys have to alter their entire diet, which is unlikely to happen considering most dudes love A1 sauce and steak.
Could Sugar Cum solve this problem and let guys continue to eat at the Outback Steakhouse before they jizz all over their significant others’ faces? I decided to try the sexual supplement to find out.
Skadoo, 2014
To test the pill’s effectiveness and to write this as scientifically as possible, I decided to taste my sperm three days in a row. On the first day of my experiment, I would swallow my cum without the pill; on the second day, I would eat my jizz after I drank a Jamba Juice; and on the third day, I would eat my semen after I digested Sugar Cum. I remembered my sixth grade science class and that every experiment needed a control, so I tried to eat similar foods during my three-day stint: a variation of blueberry-flavored greek yogurt, oranges, grits, bacon, bourgey fruit juices, rice and beans with either lime or guacamole, and chicken tikka masala with rice. (I obviously kept drinking Earl Grey tea.)
Day One, Regular Diet:
I cranked off to a Broke Straight Boys episode on my iPad. After I orgasmed (thanks, frat bros!), I scooped my load into my hands and tossed it down my throat like a shot of vodka. At first, my sperm tasted like a lemon-flavored greek yogurt, then an overwhelming taste took over my mouth—Oprah’s new Starbucks chai tea with a splash of lemon. I hadn’t drank Oprah’s overpriced liquid gold in over 24 hours, but the beverage’s bizarre flavor―which is best described as Lohan tears dipped in warm unicorn blood―overpowered the chicken tikka masala that should have dictated my jizz’s taste. Thanks to Oprah, my cum tasted like magic.
Day Two, Jamba Juice:
Unfortunately, Jamba Juice didn’t work Oprah’s wonders. At first taste, my Orange C-Booster smoothie rendered my sperm flavorless, but a strange aftertaste reminiscent of Flintstone’s vitamins and precum followed my first dose of semen.
To confirm Jamba Juice’s nasty side effects, I licked the red briefs I had came in as I listened to the Cranberries’ “Linger.” Once again, my sperm tasted like a Wilma Flinstone-shaped vitamin dipped in precum.
Sugar Cum Yin-Yang (Circle of Life), 2014
Day Three, the Sugar Cum Pill:
The Sugar Cum directions say to take the pill an hour before sex. With sucking and rimming, I usually last 30 to 45 minutes in the bedroom; I took that into account and swallowed Sugar Cum an hour and a half before I would orgasm.
My roommate was in the kitchen directly outside my bedroom, so I masturbated lying down on the hardwood floor as far away from the door as possible. I busted a nut and licked my cum off my fingers. A flavor reminiscent of a blueberry Jamba Juice hit my tongue. I barely tasted any jizz, rice and beans, or chicken tikka masala. I was experiencing a miracle: Sugar Cum had made my jizz taste like Jamba Juice―until I realized I was choking.
You see, after I swallowed, an intense burning filled my throat. My throat felt itchy—like acid was trapped in my trachea—and then I coughed. The pill made me gag several more times and then thick saliva—or partially more cum—shot up my throat.
I lied on the floor, worrying I was having an allergic reaction to sperm like that chick from XoJane. The idea of an ER visit made me more nauseous, because I’d have to explain that I had eaten my own cum. Instead, I took a shower to calm down. Several minutes later, my sore throat started to die down.
The pill forced me to spit when I wanted to swallow. That’s fucked up, but I’m not sure what’s worse: gagging on cum that tastes like a bloomin’ onion or gagging on cum that tastes like blueberries? Oprah chai tea made my jizz both delicious and easy to digest, but I’m way too broke to drink a Starbucks tea every time I bust a nut. It seems like no matter what, cum is going to leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Mitchell Sunderland is VICE’s Associate Editor. Follow him on Twitter.
