Sugar Weasel, the One and Only Clown Escort

The first email I get from Sugar Weasel the clown escort (real name Doug Wright) he said, “I’m sitting here, naked, eating jellybeans. I’d love to do an interview—that’s code for sex, right?”

Riiiiiiiiiiight. At first I’m slightly nervous that he is being serious, but it’s only fair since he himself is slightly nervous that I actually am an agent for the Vice squad, not VICE. Apparently being the only clown escort in America has landed him behind bars many times. Once we square away those details—“I swear to you, I’m not a cop!”—we are good to go.

Sugar Weasel speaks with a Texas twang that hints that he lives in Austin, though much of his work is in Las Vegas. A self-described hillbilly by day, at night he paints his entire body white, plops on a clown nose and gets paid to be an “adult entertainer, a world class lover, a rouge, and a scoundrel.”  Sugar Weasel has been working as a clown escort since the 90s when he used to run ads in the back of local newspapers in Los Angeles. (Around that time he also advertised as a “clown” for birthday parties. Once hired by the unsuspecting parents, he would feign some horrible accident, leaving horrified Beverly Hills’ tweens in his wake.) But in recent years he has transferred his skill set to hosting concerts, photo shoots, dominatrix work, and bachelorette parties.

VICE: So, even Sugar Weasels must come from somewhere. Tell me a little bit about your background. Where were you born?  
Sugar Weasel: I was born in Michigan and come from a long line of oddball performers and circus people. My dad’s dad literally ran away at 14 and joined the circus. I’ve been doing a fucked-up ventriloquist act since I was a kid; I called my dummy Harold Mancock III and would rattle of a string of vulgarities, throw in some made-up curse words, and get away with it by saying I had Tourette’s or some other bullshit medical condition. 

How did you grow into your current profession as an escort? Was there some critical moment in your past where you were like, “Light bulb! I’ll be a clown escort!” Or was it a slow process?
I’ve been clowning for over 20 years in some fashion. Originally I would feign heart attacks or commit suicide, usually at the expense of some unsuspecting partygoers who thought they had hired a Christian clown. The clown escort thing came later, when I was doing a gig at a gentleman’s club and the strippers were all trying to hit my shit.

What are you most known for?
Besides a great big dick? Actually, that’s it… My clientele is extremely diverse: recent divorcées, bachelorettes, punk rock chicks, and married women looking to fuck a grown man in make-up who acts mentally retarded.

Your job puts you smack in the middle of the American psyche when it comes to sex. How would you describe that psyche?
All of America? That’s a pretty broad demographic to make such a sweeping generalization. If pressed, I’d say mostly reserved in public but motherfucking freaks behind closed doors.

Are there regional requests? Like, do southern girls want you to pretend to be a pony and New York girls ask you to serve them lattes?
Chicago girls like me to put pickles and onions on my dick, but other than that, not really.

Is there anything you won’t do with a client?
I’ll do gay clubs or bar openings but I don’t have male clients. I’m not homophobic but my junk doesn’t work that way. Guess I’m just a ladies’ man.

What is one thing that you hate that clients do?
Haggle about price. Go hire another clown escort if you don’t like my rates. Oh, that’s right, I’m the only one there is.

What’s the oddest request you have ever gotten?
To have a menage a trois on the Showtime original series Gigolos with a couple for $500. I was like, hell no, my grandma watches softcore porn.

Have you ever been arrested?
I‘ve been arrested a lot. The last time was for drunk driving. The bitch of it was that I had 27 other clowns in a Fiat with me, and 14 of us went to jail that night.

Is there anything about your job that still makes you nervous or scares you?
Butt plugs. I don’t want anything larger than a baby carrot near my butthole.

What’s the one dominatrix tip you’d give to a starter dominatrix?
Always have a “safe” word or phrase. Mine’s “get your finger out of my asshole.”

I’m getting married next year, if I booked you for my bachelorette party what could I expect?
I’d definitely drink up all the liquor, maybe crank call the groom and pretend to be his gay lover from college, pretty sure I’d sleep with your sister. Wait… you mean like my act? Every time’s different, but you can bet it’ll be a horror show.  

You’re totally hired!