Surprise Viagra Dosages, Cheating on the Beach, and Fun with Feces

You know Mish Way, right? She’s that great columnist of ours who covers things like crazy oil rig workers and condom-related sexual assault cases. Anyway, she started up an advice column for us and you’re now staring at the third ever iteration of it! Let’s get to it now, starting with a fair and serious look at drugging your partner with Viagra.

QUESTION 1

Hey Mish,

My boyfriend is much older then me, and we recently moved in together. The last three months have been a shit show of fights, sleepless (and sexless) nights, and tense situations where I don’t know if it’s right to even brush up against his member. Thing is, I still believe him when he says he cares, but three months has brought my sexual tensions towards a breaking point. I’ve tried offering romantic situations, challenges for sexual rewards, and yet none of my attempts have seemed to motivate him to start.

So I’m wondering, do you think it’s worth a shot to motivate him chemically? I’m interested on your thoughts on drugging your boyfriend with Viagra?

Sincerely,
Horny At Home
 

Dear Horny At Home,

Even though it can be hilarious in theory, I don’t think it is okay to drug anyone, like, ever. Do you remember that episode of Kenny vs. Spenny when Kenny slips what appears to be 10 million hits of acid into Spenny’s orange juice? If you don’t, basically Spenny got so high that he shit his pants and danced around the back yard in his underwear in the rain. Basically, he tripped out hard and Kenny had to babysit him.

What I’m saying here, is don’t drug people. It’s cruel no matter if it’s LSD, morphine, MDMA, or even just Viagra. You need to talk to your boyfriend.

You might also have to face the fact that your boyfriend doesn’t have a sex drive, nor does he care about developing one. Yes, it has been told to us over and over that women hit their sexual peak in their later years, while a man’s happens when he’s a horny teen or whatever, but I don’t think this “science” applies to all of us. Let’s say your boyfriend isn’t sexual and is not willing to change this, can you stick it out? Then, you have to ask yourself: is his lack of sexuality just purely that, or is he trying to tell you something about your relationship? Could it be possible that he doesn’t want to be with you, or maybe he just does not want to be sexual with you? These are only questions he can answer.

If it is just that your boyfriend isn’t sexual and does not want to be, but he wants to be with you regardless, is he the kind of person who would be into an open relationship so you can get your organisms from other people? Again, only things he can really answer.

If you do get down to business and suggest a chemical enhancement, pick Cialus over Viagra. Cialis activates in as quickly as 30 minutes and can last up to 46 hours – kind of like time release morphine, except it will not activate unless the man is getting horny. Levitra has a similar effect, but will only last 5 hours or so. Side affects of both pills are similar to birth control: nausea, muscle aches, upset stomach, dizziness, the list goes on. Oh, then just replace ‘spotting’ with ‘Rhinitis’ (the medical term for ‘coke drip’).

As Dr. Marta Meana once said, “the female body looks the same whether aroused or not. The male, without an erection, is announcing a lack of arousal.” Potentially, the female is in a constant state of “the promise” or “suggestion” of sex (which is fucked up when you really get into it, especially issues of consent and rape). So, then men without boners are not sexual or defective? Their “signal” is busted? Something to think about. Unpack that a little.

I digress. Go and talk to your boyfriend. It’s the only thing to do.

Best,
Mish

QUESTION 2

Dear Mish,

I’ve been traveling alone lately, and recently, I had one of the most exhilarating sexual experiences ever. The problem is, I have a long term boyfriend at home.

I’ve known this for a little while now, but one of my favorite things to do sexually, is have spontaneous random sex. I’m not saying I want to slut out, it’s just every four to six months I get a huge urge to sleep with someone new. Just once. And never call them again. Usually someone I know – but never friends or anyone that could get too messy.

I just don’t know how to explain this to my sweetie-pie boyfriend. I think he’s too nice for me? Maybe I’m just not as into him as I once was sexually? But he’s my best friend and partner and it’s hard to feel this way without thinking I’m a total bitch.

Any insights?

Sincerely,
Confused, and kind of slutty
 

Dear Confused (I’m not going to call you slutty because you are not being slutty, got it?),

You are not a slut or an asshole or a bad girlfriend or whatever. Yeah, you cheated on your boyfriend while you were traveling abroad, but guess what? I have cheated on every single partner I have ever had. I am not proud of this, but it’s happened. People cheat.

I have cheated and been cheated on. The funny thing about cheating, is that it never becomes real until someone gets caught. It’s like, “If a tree falls in the forrest and no one is around to hear it, did I really just cheat on my boyfriend?” Yes, you did. You allowed another naked body to fiddle around with your body, and in our society, that is considered cheating.

I remember the first time I got caught cheating. I was dating a guy named Jim (obviously not his real name, who dates a guy named Jim except Pam from The Office?) Jim was the best, but my ex-boyfriend weaseled his way into my life and at one point, I ended up sleeping with him. I did it because we had loose ends I thought we needed to tie, but that ended up being untrue.

I didn’t plan on telling Jim right away, but he found out and busted me. I came clean. I couldn’t lie my way around it. He was pissed. He didn’t talk to me for a week and then, he forgave me. Jim taught me a lot about trust, love, and respect. I am forever in debt to his wisdom and I will always feel bad for what I did.

Now, the lesson here is not that people should forgive people who cheat. No. Everyone is going to react differently. The lesson is that it is perfectly normal for you to feel sexual urges towards other people. However, unless you and your boyfriend work out some kind of “monogamish” relationship (Dan Savage’s term for an open relationship), then you have to realize you can’t have your cake and eat it too (and by “cake,” I of course mean boyfriend, and by “too,” I mean random beach sex with strangers.)

I think you need to do some serious thinking about what you want. It’s fine to be selfish in theory, but, trust me, when that boyfriend of yours finds out, and you see his face and how much you’ve hurt him, you’re going to feel like a huge piece of human garbage. Breaking someone’s trust sucks, especially if he is your partner and best friend, as you claim.

Good luck,
Mish
 

QUESTION 3

Hi Mish,

Is there a way to have fun with feces safely during sex? What are the risks? I want to do some poo play, but I don’t want to get sick.

Thanks!
Interested In Poo Play
 

Dear Poo Play,

I wish I had a personal story to tell you about all my experience with shit and sex – actually, I’m glad I don’t. My boyfriend is totally grossed out by shit. He can’t even talk about it.

Anyways, poo play, (or if you are a doctor, coprophilia), is pretty much safe. From what I have read (and what my shit-gobbling friends have told me) is that shit play usually has to do with a Master/Slave relationship. Some people like to be human toilets. Others like to watch someone shit on them. Others are into “farming,” or collecting piles of shit from public places to use sexually. Others are into fucking/eating/sucking dirty, shitty assholes. The list goes on, but for the most part, the common thing scat theme explores fetishes of humiliation.

Scat play is generally safe, but you have to follow a few rules. I mean, technically, most sources say you can eat human shit. You won’t die. It’s just three quarters water and the rest is dead blood cells and bile and mucus and everything our body no longer wants.

Here are the risks: cuts, scrapes, unbroken skin or even your eyes are cause for concern. Shit is risky because you can transmit bacterial and yeast infections, viruses like hepatitis and possibly HIV (but only if blood is present, very rare). Feces also attack the immune system and even parasites can be found in stool. Short scat sessions are less risky. Here’s the basic rule of thumb: keep scat play like actual scatting – quick. Be careful of feces getting near your genitals and always, always clean yourself carefully.

And remember, if you think you can’t handle the risks that come with making shit sexy, then there is always this cool Korean “Feces Wine” you can get which is made from fermented dog, chicken, and human excrement.

Shit on, baby girl.
Mish

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